I am the mom of a transgender child. How will it hurt you to let my daughter be herself?
As the mother of a 9-year-old transgender girl, I am angry about the bills moving through the Kentucky legislature, especially HB 470. Angry, yes, but also disappointed, hurt and fearful. HB 470 and other bills go against recommendations for gender affirming care approved by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Although my anger is justified, I’d like to put the “angry mama bear” aside and give you a glimpse into the cozy, soft nestling that happens in our den. I invite you into a few glimpses from our story.
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The story of my transgender daughter
We drove our newborn baby home from the hospital wearing a fuzzy blue soft hat. We thought the baby was a boy. When she was three, she tugged at my sleeve as I nursed her infant sibling. Her face was beaming. She was wearing a pink sweat suit with a tractor on it, intended for the baby. I laughed, thinking it was funny. She looked hurt and confused when I laughed.
In preschool, she started growing her hair long, “So I can look like a girl,” she said. She wore the 2-3 dresses she found in the hand-me-down box any chance she could get, even though we bought and encouraged her to wear brand new “boy” clothes.
The first time she went to school wearing a fuchsia sequins sparkle shirt, I was scared. I warned her, “You know, it’s possible that some people might be uncomfortable with you wearing a girl shirt… they might say mean things. Are you sure you want to wear that?” The answer was an adamant Yes.
Going into Kindergarten, I still thought my child might “grow out of it,” but I was realizing this wasn’t just in play or jest: wearing girl clothes and growing her hair long was my child expressing who she was on the inside. One summer day, she was wearing a dress as we walked into a Dairy Queen. An elderly man said, “Good afternoon, young lady.” She positively glowed and said, “Did you hear that? He saw me as a girl!”
As my kids grew into imaginative play, she always played the girl. When I asked her about it, she said, “Mama, I’m always the girl!”
When she was six, she said, “Mama, can you call me a girl from now on?” This wasn’t a surprise.
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How could I help my child transition?
Of course, I was worried. The world doesn’t treat trassgender women very well. The murder and suicide rate for trans women is staggering. If I supported my child to be who she is on the inside, would I increase her risk of violence?
As I looked further into those awful murder and suicide statistics, I found the number one factor that helps bring those numbers down is family acceptance and support (followed by school and community support). So my husband and I made the decision to support her for who she is.
One evening, she was snuggling contentedly with me and my husband. She suddenly broke away. Her body tensed and her brow furrowed and she asked… “Mama, Dada… will I grow a beard like Daddy when I grow up?” We weren’t sure what to say. This was all so new to us. I think we said something like, “well, I’m not sure. How would you feel if that happened?” She literally curled up in the fetal position and started shaking and whimpering like a wounded animal. “Please don’t let that happen. I don’t want to grow a beard and look like Daddy. I’m a girl. I want to look like Mommy when I grow up. Please don’t let that happen to me.”
Over the years, my child’s interests have changed, but her gender identity has not. My child is now nine. Being a transgender girl is only a small part of who she is.
This weekend, our family was able to forget all about the laws that want to force her to be something she is not. We went for a hike in the woods. We went for a bike ride. She rode her skateboard. She climbed trees and scaled the side of a steep hill with her dad, saying “Mom, look at me! Look where we are! We’re so high!” The life that flows inside of her is vibrant, alive, full of love.
Please don’t take that love of life away from my child.
I’ve been vulnerable. I’ve shared deeply from our family story. I ask you: how will it hurt you to allow my child to be herself? What are you afraid of?
Brittany “Rae” Strobel lives with her husband and their three amazing children on a family farm in Kentucky. To learn more and take action visit www.fairness.org/legislativeaction, call your legislators at 1-800-372-7181 or message them here and here.
This article originally appeared on Louisville Courier Journal: I am the mom of a transgender child. Why can't you let her be herself?
