9 Tips for Texting Your Crush
Texting, while a powerful tool that allows you to quickly and effortlessly hit up your bae, is also horribly anxiety-inducing. Sending that first message and then waiting for a response is maybe in the top 10 worst moments of your life. To help bring you some sanity, here are nine ways to cope with the most irritating texting dilemmas humanly imaginable.
1. When you want to show off that you’re out with your friends and totally didn’t just spend the entire time dissecting your text exchange so far. Sending a photo of whatever you’re currently doing with your friends (THAT INVOLVES NO PART OF YOUR ANATOMY) drives the point home that you are independent and fascinating, naturally. But it also gives them something to ask you about. “Oh wow, where are you hiking?” and “Did you really just spend seven hours in a Target?”
2. When you’re worried you’ve made it obvious that you’ve fantasized about eating an entire sushi dinner off this person’s body. Neither one of you should be totally dominating the conversation. Keep an eye out on those text bubble sizes and make sure it’s an even ratio, unless you are sharing a lasagna recipe, in which case, carry on. Also, you don't need to feed their egos with unwarranted "lol"s. Even if this person is a young, time-traveling Louis CK, they've got to earn your laughs like everybody else.
3. When they respond but give you absolutely nothing to work with. Nothing is worse than dreaded conversation killers like “how’ve you been?” (“I’m good, you?” “I’m great!” “Cool” 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀). Ask them a question. Ask them lots of questions. If they really like you, they’ll respond to “So, what did you do the rest of the weekend?” with a “Went to [specific musical festival, so you can now ask me about what bands I like, and I can do the same, and we can commence Gchatting YouTube links and showing off our respective refined tastes until we inevitably bone].”
4. When they reply every time but take five hours to do it. If they don’t respond for a while, don’t assume they’re ignoring you. Try and resist every urge that might compel you to send them what you are really thinking, which is approximately 3,000 texts that all consist of “???????” You’re not dating yet! You’re just texting and getting to know each other. Their texting style might be slower than yours. Send them a Vine of a dog dressed like a taco and move on with it.
5. When you see them typing “...” and then it suddenly disappears. OOF. Take a deep breath, flip your phone over, watch a full episode of your favorite Netflix show (one that you’ve seen before and isn’t too plot-heavy because Rachel Green’s head might turn into a walking ellipses bubble in your head.) If by then they haven’t come up with a response, just leave it for a day or so. It might be that they struggled to find the right words, or that they honestly just started typing and forgot. Either way, ball is in their court.
6. When the conversation just fizzles out and you’re convinced it was 100 percent your fault. Lulls are OK/totally normal, no 1. No. 2: Now is as good a time as any to ask them what they're doing this weekend, since no one wants to get stuck in texting-only purgatory (a place of never-ending "what's up?" "nm, hbu?" bubbles. ) The weekend line is brilliant in its casualness and bounce-back ability; if they don't respond with flat-out asking you out, it gives you the perfect opportunity to flaunt all the cool things you'll be doing without them, like going to several birthdays, or trying to figure out how many breadsticks you can eat before a restaurant stops counting them as free.
7. When they want to hang out, but won’t give a time or place. Is it annoying that they can't spend a little time and come up with a specific location? Yes. But, to give them the benefit of the doubt, they might just be super nervous, and if that's the case, you can show off your best power move and pick the spot. "Hey, are you free Tuesday night to help me consume multiple pizzas?" gives an exact time so if they're actually interested, they can swap days (or propose something equally as good.)
8. When you've now sent them 17 text messages, several hilarious article links, and a relevant YouTube video, but they still won't text you back. They're either really flaky or not that into you. Either way, despite one scenario feeling slightly more hurtful than the other, the outcome is the same: They’re not engaging with you when you send them “Which Donald Trump Sniffle Are You?” and you deserve someone who will text back “I got: the one after he blames it all on the microphone.”
9. When they only respond in emojis/GIFs/“lol.” Good lord, dump them. You just read an entire article about how to text better and they can’t type out words on a device that is supposed to make communication faster and easier than ever in recorded history??? You’ll gain the same level of emotional fulfillment from an unattainable celebrity crush or a small cactus. Bye. 🌵
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