9 London tourist attractions that are overrated and uncool
LONDON — As an American living in London, I’ve done my share of sightseeing.
After several rounds of visiting friends and family, I'd wager that I’ve seen more of this great city’s attractions than most lifetime Londoners — many times over.
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While I have come to believe that the magic of London is best discovered in quirky pubs off quiet side streets and wandering through its lesser-known neighborhoods, I concede that some of the more famous sites are also truly worthwhile — Westminster is a wonder to behold, the Tate Modern is national treasure, and one can spend hours walking the halls at the British Museum.
BUT.
You can only trudge through Trafalgar so many times before one begins to feel just a bit resentful towards some of the more inane attractions — and I say that knowing full well that I come from the land that boasts the world’s largest ball of twine as an enticement for tourism.
So, here is my completely subjective and overly cynical list of London attractions that, for various reasons, I believe to be a waste of time, money, and/or brain cells.
1. Prime Meridian — Royal Observatory, Greenwich
Image: Getty Images
Let me first say, you should definitely go to the Old Royal Naval College in Greenwich. This UNESCO World Heritage Site sits among several historically significant places, including the fascinating National Maritime Museum and the heath at nearby Greenwich Park offers sweeping views of the city to boot.
While you’re exploring the area's many points of interest, you COULD also pay a whopping £9.50 ($11.77) admission to gain access to the Prime Meridian Line — i.e. that completely made-up place on Earth that claims to be the dividing point between the eastern and western hemispheres which, by the way, isn't even accurate anymore according to modern satellite data.
You COULD pay £9.50 to take a photo with an invisible line.
You COULD pay £9.50 to perpetuate the acknowledgement of completely arbitrary manmade boundaries.
But if/when you suffer death by selfie stick (that you paid £9.50 for) don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Image: Lindsay Davis
2. Madame Tussauds — Marylebone
Image: Getty images / Luca Teuchmann
Also known as, hell on earth. RE, death by selfie stick. Also, creepy as hell.
To be fair to Marie Tussaud, the French artist who founded the original museum in London during the early 1800s, there is certainly an impressive craftsmanship that goes into producing the lifelike sculptures.
And if it weren't for the maddening crowds, maybe I would better appreciate the artistry in the near-perfect replication of treasures like the Bieb's glistening abdomen.
Or maybe not.
Image: Lindsay Davis
3. Oxford Street — Soho
Image: Getty Images / Peter Macdiarmid
I will never understand the inexplicable human tendency to see a hellish crowd and like a moth to a flame, feel the urge to join the masses. This flaw in human behaviour is observable on Oxford Street, where one can visit the same 10 high street shops that have multiple locations around the city. But these are messier and more chaotic, so that makes for a better shopping experience, right?
Nice lights strung across the road around the holiday season though.
4. Big Ben — Westminster
Image: Getty Images / George Rose
OK, obviously, you’re going to see the giant clocktower that basically defines British tourism. You really couldn’t miss it if you tried, and it's not that I have anything against Gothic Revival architecture. But here’s the thing: “Big Ben” is a lie. The city has deceived you — you can’t actually see Big Ben, because Big Ben is the name of the bell inside the tower, not the tower itself.
I don't know about you, but I don't like feeling duped by a clock.
It is possible to arrange a tour of Elizabeth Tower (its real name) that includes a viewing of Big Ben, but these are only offered to UK residents.
More shade from a clock. Whatever, Ben, I don't have the TIME for you anyhow.
5. The River
Image: Getty Images / Sean Gallup
The Thames (pronounced "Tims") is the river that cuts London in half, and as such, would seem like a pretty critical centerpiece of the city. It is not. Other than some admittedly sweet bridges, there isn’t much going on here. Basically, don’t expect to lounge around at riverside cafes — not a thing.
In the river's defence, it is worth noting that despite its murky colour and being declared biologically dead 50 years ago, today the Thames has made a remarkable comeback.
6. The M&M's World — Leicester Square
Image: Getty Images / Mike Kemp
....Why? They aren’t even British?? Don't go in there. Don't. Do. it. And on that note, Leicester Square is a wasteland of floating Yodas. I won't be a party pooper and tell you how they do it, but frankly, if you stare long enough it's pretty obvious. If street acts aren't your thing, enter at your risk.
7. London Eye — Southbank
Image: Getty Images / George Rose
This is 30 minutes of your life you're never getting back, plus whatever ungodly amount of time you spend waiting in line just to get on the thing.
The Eye was intended to be temporary to commemorate the new millennium, and IMHO they should have stuck with that plan. But at £21.20 for your standard ride, London's most popular tourist attraction brings in a LOT of cash money to the capital, so it's not going anywhere.
The thing is, there are some truly spectacular views of the city available elsewhere — fo' free.
In the Eye's defense, Kate Moss has ridden it 25 times. Each to their own, Kate.
Image: Lindsay Davis
8. Piccadilly Circus
Image: Getty Images
Spoiler, there is no circus. Just a statue of a winged baby and too many people.
As this Trip Advisor review points out, Piccadilly Circus is basically a "Times Square 'wannabe' but like its slightly brighter American counterpart, these iconic billboards serve one function: advertising. By visiting this overhyped street junction, you're making an unconscious decision to contribute to the glorification of our hyper-consumerist society and validating the hypocrisy of late stage capitalism!!!!!
Marx would not be impressed.
Image: Getty Images / Carl Court
9. Abbey Road — St. John's Wood
Image: Getty Images / Carl de Souza
I understand that for the diehard Beatles fan, this place might have great significance. But I think the sense of sanctity tourists attach to Abbey Road only adds to the tragedy.
Eager resolve to capture their own reenactment of the iconic album cover swiftly turns to disappointed resignation when the individual(s) realise that Abbey Road is in fact a relatively busy road with many impatient drivers who have little patience for the silly whims of tourists.
Nor do the street's unsympathetic residents seem to care that it's supposed to be a 1960s Volkswagen Beetle parked in the distance, not a 2016 Ford Fiesta.
On these grounds, I argue that it's best to keep how you imagine the Abbey Road crossing in your mind unscathed by modernity.
Image: Lindsay Davis
