5 ways we can teach kids how to handle romantic rejections

The internet has changed how kids learn about sex, but sex ed in the classroom still sucks. In Sex Ed 2.0, Mashable explores the state of sex ed and imagines a future where digital innovations are used to teach consent, sex positivity, respect, and responsibility.

Have you ever had a weird question about sex? We want to know about it. Fill out this Google Form and your response may be included (anonymously) in a future story.

There's a pressing need to address violent responses to romantic rejections. Women are often killed as a result of saying no to men's advances, and a cornerstone of the fast-growing online "incel," or "involuntary celibate," community is seeking revenge against women believed to have "unfairly" rejected men. 

One solution is teaching children how to cope with and handle rejection, romantic and otherwise. The earlier you discuss rejection with kids, the better, says sex educator Lydia Bowers. 

Learning how to cope with rejection is key to understanding consent as a whole. And while consent education is getting more attention as of late, Bowers feels that we're still "absolutely missing that rejection piece."

"We can [tell our children], 'Ask permission,'" Bowers says. "But if we're not teaching our kids how to handle when the answer is, 'no,' we're doing our children and society a disservice. How many headlines are we seeing now where something violent has happened because someone was rejected?"

SEE ALSO: No matter how technologically advanced we get, kids still love fart noises

Teaching young people about rejection makes the blow far less painful and intense when it comes. This should happen early: Waiting until a child has actually experienced a romantic rejection is far too late to begin educating them, Bowers says.

What can you do? Here are five tips to get started:

1. Teach children how to respect and empathize with others' feelings

This is "fairly critical" to kids learning the basics of consent and boundaries. Start with simple explanations, especially for young children. The definitions of all these concepts can be gradually expanded on.

"I usually define 'empathy' as trying to understand how someone else feels, and 'respect' as caring enough to consider how someone else feels before you act," Bowers says. "Those are the very basic definitions that I like to give, especially when [kids are] younger." 

Lucinda Holt, director of communications at Rutgers' sex education website Answer, recommends showing children how to empathize by having them "interrogate their own feelings": "Put them in the position of the person who has decided that they don't want to play, and say, 'Well, what if you decided that you didn't want to play with this person and they kept insisting, how would that make you feel?'"

Having conversations with young people about what they feel when they're rejected, and then asking them to imagine the other person's feelings, can make a huge difference.

2. Show them the importance of respecting boundaries

"When it comes to teaching young people, especially small children, about rejection, it's really important that they learn to respect other people's boundaries," Holt says. "And when I say respect other people's boundaries, I mean respect when someone says either, 'No, I don't want to play,' or, 'No, I don't want a hug.'"

Though it can be a painful experience for children to recognize that at times other children don't want to play with them or be their friends, adults can help navigate those hurt feelings.

"When someone decides to set a boundary with you because they don't want to be in a friendship with you, or they don't want to be in a relationship with you, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it just means this isn't right for them right now," Holt says. "Getting smaller children to respect that and accept that is one of the first steps to get children to understand rejection."

3. Acknowledge that rejection is something everyone experiences

Whether it's a job rejection or a romantic rejection, sharing your own experiences is a great way to show kids that everyone will face rejection sooner or later — and that it's OK.

Bowers says that it's useful for adults to explain just how normal the pain is: "We can sit next to a heartbroken child and say, 'I know, we've all had heartbreak at some point.'"

Karin Coyle, chief science officer at ETR — a research, training, and education development non-profit that focuses on subjects like sexual and reproductive health, in addition to smoking, drugs, and wellness in schools — says this is also important for slightly older children on the cusp of forming romantic relationships. 

"These experiences are new for these young people; for some of them, they're just entering this realm and experiencing romantic feelings and then having to navigate when someone rejects those feelings. Those are all new experiences," Coyle says. "So teaching them to identify what that's like, that they aren't the only person that has experienced those rejections, is valuable."

4. Provide kids with outlets to express their frustrations

Rejection is tough to get through, even when you're an adult, but it becomes easier to manage if you have an outlet for releasing your frustrations. Bowers recommends introducing your kids to creative outlets they can channel their anger or sadness into.

"Depending on [a child's] age, having a journal to pour their feelings into can be beneficial," she says. "And, if it's a younger child, pull out the Play-Doh, pull out a black crayon or a dark vivid purple or red, and let them scribble as hard as they can."

Whatever the outlet, let kids know it's okay to vent or express their frustrations, as long as it's not in a way that's harmful to themselves or anyone else.

5. Keep talking to children about rejection

Continuing the conversation as children get older is also important. But, Holt explains, when kids are used to talking about these concepts at such a young age, it becomes easier to enter and maintain discussions as they get older.

"If you start early, you open the door to say, these kinds of conversations are normal for us to have," Holt says.

As long as children can discuss anything with parents or sex educators, they're far less likely to "shut down" or feel uncomfortable with a range of topics — not just rejection, she adds.

"For example, when faced with questions about their body parts, or how pregnancy happens, and your response is to change the subject, or say, 'We don't talk about that,' or 'Don't touch that,' or 'Don't do that,' that shuts them down and they never ask again," Holt says. "Whereas if you've been having these conversations all along, it won't be so weird to have these conversations later."

WATCH: 'Love, Simon' unites diverse audiences through a relatable genre and tone