Below, we present 40 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets of 2017.
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
— mama77️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017
Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Husband: you walk really loud.
Anyway, marriage is fun.
— Wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Hubs, "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"
Me, "You didn't marry no quitter."
Hubs, nodding, "My Queen."
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 6, 2017
I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck
— Valerie ️s Presents (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 16, 2017
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017
Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.
— Jersey (@better_off_dad) October 15, 2017
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 2, 2017
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- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.