40 Hilarious Tweets About Marriage That Just Nailed It This Year

I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.

Current count:23

— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

— Lady Lawya 🎄 (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017

Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?

— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017

Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.

— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017

Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.

Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.

Me: We’re skipping both, right?

Wife: Obviously.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017

My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017

Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017

Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017

Husband: you walk really loud.

Anyway, marriage is fun.

— Wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017

Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017

Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017

"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017

Hubs, "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"

Me, "You didn't marry no quitter."

Hubs, nodding, "My Queen."

— Lady Lawya 🎄 (@Parkerlawyer) July 6, 2017

I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017

wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017

Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.

-marriage

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017

Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017

Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck

— Valerie ❤️s Presents (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017

Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017

Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.

Me: So it's a can't opener?

Wife: I can't believe I married you.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017

Husband: *choking on a curly fry*

Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!

— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017

The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.

— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017