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34 Alternatives to Couples Therapy That Will Strengthen Your Relationship

Charlotte Andersen

April 14, 2017 at 12:35 PM

<p>Relationship pros share their secrets for avoiding their offices.</p>

<p><span>"A major relationship problem these days is that there are more distractions than ever before, all of which are pulling us in a thousand directions. We are viscerally bombarded with images, sights, and sounds. One research study showed that we touch our phones 2,500 times </span><em>a day</em><span>. Even if you're not on your phone, listening for notifications means you're not able to give your partner all your attention. Bonding as a pair means being the center of the other's undivided attention so thoroughly that you can feel a shift. Turn your phone off when you're with your partner, or at least put in on airplane mode, to feel that shift." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.facebook.com/AnjhulaMya" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Anjhula Mya Singh Bais;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Anjhula Mya Singh Bais</em></a><em>, PhD, International Psychology</em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3279/causes-of-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:8 Habits Couples Therapists Say Always End a Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">8 Habits Couples Therapists Say Always End a Marriage</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"People often focus on what is 'wrong' with their partner. But you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Reading, writing, going to therapy, working out, self reflecting, yoga, meditation, doing what you always wanted to do (like pottery or refurbishing a car) all serve to deepen the connection with yourself. Bettering yourself makes you spark with joy and that joy is contagious and will spill over into your relationship, making it feel fresh again." —<em>Bais</em></span></p>

<p>"Every day, write down 3 things that your partner did or said that made you happy or that you were grateful for. When couples are in distress, they tend to focus on what their partner is doing wrong or what their partner isn't doing. This exercise begins to shift perspective from making one person the 'bad guy' in the relationship." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.chantelcohen.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Chantel Cohen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Chantel Cohen</em></a><em>, owner of CWC Coaching and Therapy in Atlanta, GA</em></p>

<p><span>"When a relationship is in trouble, loving touch is often one of the first things to go. You may think, 'But I don't want to touch my partner, I'm pissed at him!' But you don't have to desire your partner, you just have to be willing to touch, caress, rub, kiss, hug, lean against, hold hands, massage. This is not supposed to lead to sex (although it can). This simply restores a connection outside of the bedroom. When we touch we release oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone. Just a simple hug or touch can help you feel more connected to your partner." <em>—Cohen</em></span></p>

<p><span>"Therapy doesn't have to happen in a formal setting with a counselor. Simply setting aside uninterrupted time to talk to your partner can really help. Instead of snapping back and arguing in the heat of the moment when you're feeling defensive, resentful, or unfairly blamed, it's better to set aside time to really talk about the issue when you're both calm. Make it an actual appointment and schedule it on your calendar." —</span><em>Gabriella I. Farkas, M.D., Ph.D., psychiatrist at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine at The Zucker Hillside Hospital</em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3941/marriage-tips-from-longtime-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"Make a date night that is cemented in stone. This can be any occasion where you spend time just the two of you talking and communicating without phones, computers, or televisions. Use this time to solve problems by speaking face to face and quietly looking into each other's eyes." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.askaudreynow.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Audrey Hope;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Audrey Hope</em></a><em>, relationship expert, host of </em>Hope For Relationships,<em> and addiction therapist at Seasons In Malibu rehab facility</em></p>

<p><span>"One of the things I teach couples in trouble is the importance of boundaries. It's essential to establish a clear set of rules and boundaries for your relationship. Often, couples fight because they let things slide without clarity. For fear of confrontation, they suffer from lack of communication and clarity. When you know where you stand and it's talked about in the light of day, problems can be solved without a therapist." <em>—Hope</em> </span></p>

<p>"Nature and movement can be excellent therapy. Take a walk together after dinner. Breathe the fresh air and clear your day by walking together and talking about issues, and general things that are on your mind." <em>—Hope </em></p>

<p><span>"When you've been together a long time, it's easy to forget to do all the little things you did when you first met, like give each other compliments. But from research and over 30 years of counseling experience, I can tell you this is one of the most 'therapeutic' things you can do for your relationship. Every day, try to notice something different and offer a since compliment to your partner, even if things are tense otherwise." —</span><em>David Kaplan, Ph.D., Chief Professional Officer for the </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.counseling.org/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:American Counseling Association;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">American Counseling Association</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"This may sound counterintuitive, but spending time apart can be an effective way to strengthen a relationship. So long as the couples can agree on boundaries and are mutually respective of those boundaries, it can be a powerful time for each person to take time out of the relationship to do some self-reflection. When your life revolves around another person, it's easy to lose your sense of self and an unhealthy co-dependence may form. Taking time out to get back in touch with who you are outside of the other person can be a healthy way to come back to the relationship with new eyes." —<i>Uebergang</i></span></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g595/happy-marriage-secrets/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:13 Secrets for a Strong, Happy Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">13 Secrets for a Strong, Happy Marriage</a></strong></p>

Go On a Couple's Retreat

<p><span>"Can't afford to go to a pricey couple's retreat? Make your own by doing something adventurous together, whether it's a short weekend getaway hiking in the mountains, visiting a theme park, or just a new experience that will get your adrenaline pumping. Sharing an exhilarating experience with your partner can trigger a whole range of positive emotional shifts in the body and the shared adventure will provide a precious memory you can reflect on in times to come. It can also be a gateway for deeper conversations and connection." —</span><em>Joshua Uebergang, life and relationship coach at </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.towerofpower.com.au" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Tower of Power;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Tower of Power</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Meditation can be done together or separately, but it's useful because it teaches you to stop and refocus instead of communicating out of a place of stress, anxiety, or pressure. If you're able to take the time to calm down and tap into the right emotions and feelings, you're able to address any issues or concerns in your relationship from a better place." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://drnikki.com.au/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Nikki Goldstein;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Nikki Goldstein</em></a><em>, Ph.D., sexologist and author of </em>Single But Dating — A Field Guide to Dating In the Digital Age</p>

<p><span>"There are a lot of relationship books and theories that can walk you through the basics of couples therapy without having to spend the time and money to see a therapist or psychiatrist in person. I especially like ones founded on scientific principles and research, like <em>The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work</em> by John Gottman. This will give you a better understanding of how relationships work along with tips and tools you can do on your own to strengthen your marriage." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.mikefraziermd.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Mike Frazier;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Mike Frazier</em></a><em>, M.D., psychiatrist and couples therapist</em><br></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/g4267/marriage-tips-from-ex-spouses/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:25 Divorced People Reveal the One Thing They Wish They Knew Before Their Marriage Ended;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>25 Divorced People Reveal the One Thing They Wish They Knew Before Their Marriage Ended</strong></a></span></p>

Schedule 10 Minutes to Talk Daily

Help Someone Else, Together

<p><span>"Getting away from the grind of daily life by going hiking or camping is a great way to reset the relationship. Doing something in nature together helps you learn to rely on yourself and your partner and see how well you can work together." <em>—Simonsen</em></span></p>

<p><span>"In relationships, it's the little stuff that builds up resentments. Maybe you stubbed your toe and your partner didn't ask if you were OK. Or perhaps you had a horrible day at the office and you just want to vent, but your partner turns his or her attention elsewhere. Each time your partner makes a 'bid' for your attention, respond to them. This can mean saying, 'Go on, I'm listening' or be something as small as putting your phone down when your partner initiates a conversations with you." —</span><em>Erika Boissiere, founder of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.trisf.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Relationship Institute of San Francisco;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Relationship Institute of San Francisco</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Part of what makes therapy so helpful is getting time to ask and answer important questions. But you don't have to sit in a therapist's office to do this. Try asking your partner positive questions every day. Avoid anything accusatory or just informational. Instead ask, 'How was your day?' 'What was the best interaction you had today?' or 'Is there anything I can help you with?'" —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://devinpricemft.com/michelene-wassil-mfti/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Michelene Wasil;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Michelene Wasil</em></a><em> of Preventative Health for Happy Families</em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a10915/what-happy-couples-do/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:8 Little Things Happily Married Couples Do Every Day;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">8 Little Things Happily Married Couples Do Every Day</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"We train for many important things in our lives like our careers or sports yet no one gets an education or training for marriage. Thankfully, there is a type of marriage school. </span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.soulmatesnotroommates.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marriage School;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Marriage School</a> <span>is a self-study DIY version of our marriage counseling program. It's ideal when one person is completely resistant to marriage therapy, as the other person can start working on it on their own. It can teach you how to go from being roommates to soulmates." —</span><em>Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, licensed clinical professional counselor, a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and founder of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Marriage Restoration Project;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Marriage Restoration Project</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Tell other people in front of your partner what you admire about your partner. Publicly discuss them, but only with positive comments about memories that touched you, how amazing they are, how they surprise you with their love and attention, or a recent thing that happened that made you smile. They'll feel affirmed and appreciated." —</span><span><em>Kristina Orlova</em></span><em>, a family therapist in San Francisco, CA</em></p>

<p><span>"Feeling unappreciated and taken for granted is a major reason people seek marriage therapy. We all want to be appreciated. In distressed couples, there tends to be a negative bias in how we view our partners' behavior and intentions. Expressing appreciation by telling them thank you redirects our brains to the positive things our partner does or to their good qualities." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.drmelaniegreenberg.biz" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Melanie Greenberg;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Melanie Greenberg</em></a><em>, Ph.D., psychologist and couples therapist in Mill Valley CA and author of </em>The Stress-Proof Brain</p>

<p>"Remembering why you got married in the first place is a great way to strengthen and repair your relationship. It can be as simple as re-reading your vows to each other or as elaborate as a full wedding. We worked with a couple who renewed their vows 33 times in 33 different countries! Every year, they reflect back on what they have learned and what needs to be worked on." —<em>Janis and Carly Spindel, mother and daughter relationship coaches, founders of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.janisspindelmatchmaking.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Serious Matchmakers;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>The Serious Matchmakers</em></a></p>

<p><span>"Figure out what you ideal relationship looks like and find a couple that embodies that. You can ask them to 'mentor' you in your relationship or go to a professional relationship coach — it's less formal than therapy and can often be done online or over the phone. It focuses on learning skills to improve the relationship rather than digging through past problems." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.innovcounseling.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Mayi Dixon,;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Mayi Dixon,</em></a><em> relationship zpecialist</em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4275/divorce-throughout-history/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:What Getting a Divorce Was Like Every Decade Since the 1900s;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">What Getting a Divorce Was Like Every Decade Since the 1900s</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"There are many levels that you can and should connect with your partner on. A lot of couples find strength in spirituality. You can try going to church together, researching different philosophies, or doing something less formal but still spiritual to build that bond." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.dionmetzgermd.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Dion Metzger;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Dion Metzger</em></a><em>, M.D., relationship expert, psychiatrist and author</em></p>

<p><span>"Chances are you were friends before you started dating, so go back to that moment. What it was that first attracted you? Why do you like each other? What are some of the activities that sparked you both really liking each other and made you feel connected? Sharing food in a restaurant? Playing scrabble? Going on a long bike ride together? Then recreate some of those memories together." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.smarthealthpsych.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marni Amsellem;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Marni Amsellem</em></a><em>, Ph.D., psychologist </em></p>

<p><span>"Address your own relationship issues by discussing similar topics about someone else's relationship. Perhaps you've read a book or seen a movie in which a couple has issues that strike close to home. Or you have friends with similar struggles. You could lead that discussion almost like a book club. This could be a springboard into discussing some of your own issues." <em>—Amsellum</em></span></p>

<p><span>"If a couple does not feel ready for therapy, one thing they can do is make sure they know and understand each other's 'love language.' For instance, if you feel loved by physical contact but your partner feels loved by spending quality time together, you need to adjust your actions so giving is not based on receiving." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.lynnzakeri.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Lynn R. Zakeri;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Lynn R. Zakeri</em></a><em>, marriage counselor</em></p>

<p><span>"Apps offer a fun approach to learning a variety of skills like communication, conflict management, enhancing intimacy, cognitive exercises, and games that you can play as a couple and individually. Find a flirty app and install it on both your phones — then use it to stay in touch all day." —</span><em>Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and author of relationship blog </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://yourejustadumbass.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:You're Just a Dumbass;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">You're Just a Dumbass</a><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3846/signs-you-need-couples-therapy/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:15 Signs You May Need Couples Therapy;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">15 Signs You May Need Couples Therapy</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"The foundation of a good relationship and one of the skills we work on most is communicating and listening. You can work on this at home. Commit to open communication about feelings about what's going well in the relationship and what needs work. Each partner should take a turn listening without interruptions, criticism, blame, or judgment." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drfranwalfish.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Fran Walfish;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Fran Walfish</em></a><em>, Ph.D., family and relationship psychotherapist, author of </em>The Self-Aware Parent<em>, and co-star on We tv's </em>Sex Box</p>

<p><span>"If you have children, a fabulous alternative to couples therapy is to seek out parenting guidance. Often, when parents focus on child issues including discipline, rules, boundaries, and behavior, their marital relationship benefits as well because this requires self-examination. Self-awareness leads to better relationships." <em>—Walfish </em></span></p>

<p><span>"A relationship is a partnership. It's a team. Work on team building and strengthening exercises that don't feel like couple's therapy. Joining a co-ed intramural sports league, entering a competition such as a 5K, half marathon, or mud run, or ballroom dancing will give you something to focus on other than the stress of your relationship while helping you learn to work together as a team." —</span><em>Steve Ward, CEO of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://mastermatchmakers.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Master Matchmakers;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Master Matchmakers</em></a><em> and founder of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://lovelab.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Love Lab;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Love Lab</em></a><br></p>

<p><span>"It's so important to keep your sex life active. Schedule a time for sex — it may sound strange but you'll be surprised how the anticipation will whet your appetite, just like it did when you were dating. Introduce new forms of novelty to compensate for the inevitable diminishing partner novelty. Overcome any disagreements about initiating sex by taking turns. The brain chemistry stimulated by sex is critical to renewing your bond." —</span><em>Patty and Greg Kuhlman, marriage counselors and the originators of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://stayhitched.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marriage Success Seminars;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Marriage Success Seminars</a></em><br></p>

Relationship pros share their secrets for avoiding their offices.

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