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The 32 Most Overlooked Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Charlotte Andersen

May 19, 2017 at 1:31 PM

<p>Think infidelity is the worst marriage-killer? The truth is even scarier than that — it really <em>is</em> the little things that will make or break your relationship.</p>

<p>"There are many ways to cheat using the internet. One example I call cyber-straying involves covertly looking up old flames and high school sweethearts, despite being (supposedly happily) married to someone else. Curiosity compromises trust, and secrets are relationship saboteurs.The key to resisting temptation is to avoid it. Use Facebook to keep up with family and close friends, not shadow your high school flame. And reflect your marital status in <em>your</em> social media profiles to avoid old flames reaching out to you." —<em>Wendy L. Patrick, Ph.D., president of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://advantagespeaker.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Advantage Speaker;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Advantage Speaker</a></em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a13857/what-is-cheating/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:"It Wasn't Exactly Cheating";elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">"It Wasn't Exactly Cheating"</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"No amount of counseling or talking through a problem is going to fix broken attraction. If one or both partners gains a lot of weight, loses passion, or changes significantly in some way, it is going to impact the romantic connection, turning marriage into a roommate or friendship situation. This leads to romantic temptations that often end marriages. I believe this is one of the main issues couples face but nobody wants to discuss, because it seems 'shallow' to suggest physical attraction and romantic chemistry might be important even after years of marriage, and many therapists themselves are in 'dead bedroom' scenarios and don't know how to adequately help couples." —<em>David Bennett, certified counselor, relationship expert, and co-author of seven self-help books </em></p>

<p>"One of the most overlooked reasons why marriages fail is how people define compromise. While compromise is considered to be the cornerstone of any relationship, most people assume that means that some of the time, each partner gets what they want. Actually, the true definition of compromise in the context of marriage is that neither party gets what they really want. Marriage is tough. You have to be constantly ready to give something up, even after it seems like you've already given up everything. Without accepting this definition of compromise, people move towards a break-up." —<em>Ashwini Nadkarni, M.D., director of Digital Integrated Care in the department of psychiatry at Brigham and Women's Hospital and an instructor at Harvard Medical School</em></p>

<p>"Even when things get tense, frustrating, or busy, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be polite and courteous toward your spouse. This is the person you are sharing your home, finances, and life with, yet people continue to treat their co-workers and friends with more decency than they do the person they marry. A simple 'please' or 'thank you' really can go a long way, and is one of the easiest things to do." —<em>Cydney Bulger, a family law attorney in Florida</em></p>

<p>"Couples often do not talk about money, and many people bring undisclosed debt with them into a marriage and hide their spending afterwards. Another issue is that money is power in our society, and I often see highly compensated professionals exercising their power over their mates by controlling the funds." —<em>Adrienne Grace, certified divorce financial analyst and author</em> of Going From We to Me: A Financial Guide to Divorce</p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/money-career/a46093/when-to-talk-money-with-your-significant-over/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:How Often Should My Husband and I Talk About Money?;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">How Often Should My Husband and I Talk About Money?</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"When we're upset with our partner, it's all to easy to call a friend or family member to vent. Don't do it! Your friends and family will often take your side and in the end look at your partner in a negative light. They may not hear the whole story, just your perspective, and give you advice that negatively affects your relationship. Set boundaries with others, including friends, in-laws, and children. Don't share personal details of your relationship, such as fights or your sex life, with others s. If you feel the need to speak with someone about your issues, seek out a therapist. Therapist are neutral parties who will not take sides." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=318497&search=hershenson&ref=2&sid=1488894923.8327_24335&name=hershenson&tr=ResultsRow" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kimberly Hershenson;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Kimberly Hershenson</a>, a couples therapist based in New York City</em></p>

<p>"Dr. Gary Chapman wrote the book <em>The 5 Love Languages</em> to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse. We all have a predominant love language: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, or gift giving. When someone speaks our language, we feel loved. Speak a different language and despite being loved like crazy, we won't know it because it's not the language we know." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kim Olver;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Kim Olver</a>, author of </em>Secrets of Happy Couples</p>

<p>"A main issue in marriages is incompatibility in conflict resolution. While some people grow up in families where shouting is the way to solve a conflict, others grow up in households where they ignore the matter. If a couple comes from two different sides of this, it'll be difficult to resolve conflicts agreeably and create difficulties in communication." —<em>Jeannie Assimos, chief of advice at <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.eharmony.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:eHarmony;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">eHarmony</a></em></p>

<p>"Too many couples spend their time planning a wedding and not planning their marriage. They don't invest enough time talking about their expectations for the future. They don't discuss important issues like budgeting, family boundaries, children, and priorities. Instead, they spend their time talking about wedding favors, caterers, and guest lists. If people invested more time into planning their future together as a couple, they could address their expectations and adjust their plans to meet one another's needs." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.amymorinlcsw.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amy Morin;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Amy Morin</a>, psychotherapist and the author of </em>13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do</p>

<p>"When couples are similar in how they cope with difficult thoughts and feelings but they don't realize it, it can cause contention in their marriage. You only see the problems in your spouse, not in yourself." —<em>Lynn Waldman, divorce coach, and incoming president of the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4098/signs-you-should-get-a-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:9 Signs It's Time to Get a Divorce;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">9 Signs It's Time to Get a Divorce</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"Marrying for the wrong reasons, like for the money or settling to not be alone, leads to an unstable foundation. At some point, the couple will realize they aren't compatible or one might start to love themselves more and want to be with someone who fulfills their needs as they start to value themselves." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://eliciamiller.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Elicia Miller;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Elicia Miller</a>, Core Emotional Healing Expert</em></p>

<p>"People confuse chemistry for compatibility. You can have chemistry with a lot of people, but that doesn't mean you are compatible. In order to be compatible, you need to share basic core beliefs, values, and agendas. Chemistry is what sweeps people off their feet in the beginning, but you need to be compatible with one another if you're going to make it over the long haul." —<em>Morin</em></p>

<p>"An oft-overlooked reason is the issue of mental health in one of the partners. If you're married to someone who is depressed, anxious, schizophrenic, or bipolar, it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship because the individual's emotions can be random. It can be a great strain on a person without the mental illness to accommodate that in their partner." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.southshorefamilyhealthcollaborative.com/stephen-duclos/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Stephen Duclos;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Stephen Duclos</a>, certified sex therapist, family therapist, and mental health counselor</em></p>

<p>"One overlooked reason is simply not having great sex. At the outset of a relationship, sex is always great. But as people move into longer-term relationship, they have to deal with how to keep sex exciting and how to stay on same page in terms of their sexual proclivities. Both partners must find a way to communicate their needs and wants about sex." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://sexandthesoma.com/holly-richmond" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Holly Richmond;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Holly Richmond</a>, Ph.D., certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor</em></p>

<p>"When life gets busy, it's easy to lose sight of each other and forget about scheduling date night and time together. All intimate relationships need periodic and regular tune-in time to talk and reconnect." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://devinpricemft.com/michelene-wassil-mfti/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Michelene Wasil,;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Michelene Wasil,</a> licensed marriage and family therapist in San Diego, CA</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g631/100-date-ideas/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Top 75 Date Night Ideas of All Time;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Top 75 Date Night Ideas of All Time</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"Financial pressures and very different or even opposing financial styles — spending versus saving, risk versus reward — can sabotage a marriage even more effectively than sexual issues or even fundamental differences such as whether to have children or not." —<em>Jephtha Tausig-Edwards, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City</em></p>

<p>"When only one of you is on a path to healing, self-love, and growth, and the other is not willing to join you on that journey, it means that the partner with new-found self-esteem will not tolerate old patterns of the relationship. Both must be in therapy and be willing to change and learn, or else one will have to walk out the door and never look back. If only one of you is on the path to wholeness and the other is not, there is no hope for the relationship." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.askaudreynow.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Audrey Hope;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><i>Audrey Hope</i></a><i>, relationship expert, host of the </i>Hope for Relationships<i> show and an addiction therapist at Seasons In Malibu rehab facility</i></p>

<p>"Couples often invest all of their time into their careers while neglecting their relationship with their partner. When this happens, resentment begins to build within one or both partners. Most couples don't have the tools needed to work through these resentments, which often lead to feeling disconnected and detached. This disconnection due to not keeping the relationship a priority will quickly lead to marriage failure." —<em>Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist and psychotherapist</em></p>

<p>"Marriages where one or both members of the couple have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder can be plagued by misunderstandings, anger, and frustration. These problems often arise from the misinterpretation of undiagnosed ADHD symptoms or, if the ADHD has been diagnosed, from both partners being unsure of what to do about it. The good news is that by understanding the role that ADHD plays in your relationship – by correctly interpreting what is happening to you and learning ways to make the interactions more positive – couples can not only improve their marriages, but thrive." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drhallowell.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Edward Hallowell;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Edward Hallowell</a>, founder of The Hallowell Centers</em></p>

<p>"In marriage, people focus on being in love with their spouse. While true love is a critical component in a relationship, it is equally important to <em>like</em> your partner. Too often spouses focus on the negative and they forget what initially attracted them to their spouse or the positive characteristics they do possess. The secret to everlasting love is everlasting like." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://urbanbalance.com/therapist/pam-schur-lpc/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Pam Schur;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Pam Schur</a>, psychotherapist</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3941/marriage-tips-from-longtime-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"What happens when your hobby becomes all-consuming, and doesn't include your partner? Whether it's politics, yoga, Ironman training, or golf, it can drive a wedge in between you when one person is finding his/her satisfaction outside the relationship and the other person is left feeling lonely. Sometimes, a partner may become so different from the person their spouse married, that they become unrecognizable. It can result in the other partner, the one who has not changed or evolved, feeling or being perceived as unattractive, lazy, and sometimes even annoying." —<em>Lynn R. Zakeri, a clinical therapist in the Chicago area</em></p>

<p>"Crises of any kind — death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness, moving, natural disasters, etc. — are emotionally stressful situations and can add strain to or even end a marriage. Ideally, these situations would find a couple drawing closer, becoming supportive and comforting each other, but too often the opposite occurs. The couple grows apart in their grief and depression." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.successfulsecondmarriages.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Patricia Bubash;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Patricia Bubash</a>, counselor, author, and speaker</em></p>

<p>"A couple's inability to switch from 'parent' mode to 'couple' mode after kids are born can damage the relationship. When a couple has children, usually the first thing to go is together time. Most parents expend the majority of their energy on the kids, work and home, leaving little time and interest in their spouse. This lack of interest often leads to alienation and can leave one or both spouses feeling alone. Feelings of loneliness and inattentiveness can lead to infidelity, depression and/or frustration causing a demise in the relationship." —<em>Schur</em></p>

<p>"When we feel valued in a relationship, we don't tend to leave. Simple words, like 'thank you,' can have a powerful effect in making a person feel appreciated for his/her unique strengths, talents, and values." <em>Heidi Krantz, founder of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.reinventionlifecoaching.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Reinvention Life Coaching;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Reinvention Life Coaching</a></em></p>

<p>"My research shows that people who marry approximately between the ages of 28 and 32 have the lowest divorce rate. Prior to age 28, the younger you are, the more likely you are to get divorced. People who marry young are more likely to be immature. People change much more quickly when they're young. And you're less likely to have the support of your family and friends. They might say 'I told you so' if their marriage runs into trouble, rather than providing the support that might help an embattled marriage survive tough times." —<em>Nicholas H. Wolfinger, Ph.D., professor of Family and Consumer Studies at the University of Utah and co-author of </em>Soul Mates: Religion, Sex, Love and Marriage among African Americans and Latinos</p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g1373/divorce-proof-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:40 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">40 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"Resentment is a deadly poison which can erode the fabric of the relationship and wipe out the positive sentiments one or both partners feel for each other. " —<em>Jason Wasser of The Family Room Wellness Associates in Fort Lauderale, FL</em></p>

<p>"Infidelity is a common cause of marriage breakdown with good reason. But the problems started way before the cheating happened. Relationships can easily drift if we do not actively seek to maximize and prioritize them. Then they become gray and boring, making it easy to slip away—often to another person who is more 'exciting'." —<em>Brian Taylor, author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00Z9D5012?tag=syndication-20&*Version*=1&*entries*=0" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Marriage You Never Dreamed Of: Practical Steps to Extraordinary, Lasting Love;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Marriage You Never Dreamed Of: Practical Steps to Extraordinary, Lasting Love</a></p>

<p>"People don't realize their relationships, especially their intimate romantic ones, are opportunities to heal old wounds. But in the process of healing your wounds, your wounds will be triggered. You have to give it time to work and not just bolt at the first sign of problems." —<em>Shirani M. Pathak, licensed psychotherapist and founder of the <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.relationshipcentersv.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Relationship Center of Silicon Valley;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Relationship Center of Silicon Valley</a></em></p>

<p>"People enter relationships with preset beliefs about how they expect their relationship to be. Often, these expectations come from the models they saw in their family of origin or from previous relationships. When expectations are not communicated and therefore not met, huge disappointment can result. Often the person, feeling sad and disappointed, will convey those feelings through passive aggressive behavior which leads to resentment." —<em>Wasser</em></p>

<p>"Many of us are age 8 or 12 or 17 inside, not the 30-something man or woman we appear to be. We all bring baggage to the marriage and you have to be able to see past the issue and understand who your partner really is before you can heal hurt. Understanding your own and your partner's past and how it plays a role can help resolve issues." —<em>Andrea Hall, Certified Equine Gestalt Coach, Withers Whisper, LLC</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g801/happy-marriage-checklist/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Ultimate Happy-Marriage Checklist;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Ultimate Happy-Marriage Checklist</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"We live in an on-demand culture that teaches us we should get what we want immediately. In a marriage, this often manifests as each partner putting way more emphasis on their own needs versus the needs of the other. However, if you focus on putting your partner's needs first, you're in a better position to get your needs met (unless you are married to a narcissist)." <em>—<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://cameronlpc.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Bruce Cameron;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Bruce Cameron</a>, licensed counselor and executive coach in Dallas, TX</em></p>

<p>"Marriage is often seen as a contract rather than a covenant. Because of this, people leave out of their own displeasure too early, opting out the way they would out of a business arrangement. A covenant, however, implies a different value set, and a key to keeping marriages intact is to recognize the higher importance of their marriage covenant." <em>—<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://cameronlpc.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Bruce Cameron;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Bruce Cameron</a></em></p>

Think infidelity is the worst marriage-killer? The truth is even scarier than that — it really is the little things that will make or break your relationship.

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