28 Tweets That Create A Hilariously Honest Portrait Of Married Life
Love is patient, love is kind. Love can also be a huge pain in the butt ― just ask anyone who’s been married longer than six minutes and they’ll tell you so.
Not convinced? Below, we’ve rounded up 28 really funny tweets about the realities of married life that are right on the money.
me *buying flowers and chocolate*
cashier: Early Valentine’s Day present?
me: I have to wake my wife up from her nap— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 6, 2018
Me: *texting* Real quick, what's our antique sword budget?
Wife: Don't.
Me: Is that more or less than $678.99?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 1, 2018
Not to brag but I did what my wife asked me to do today.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 3, 2018
Me: Hey, remember that time you weren’t annoying?
Husband: When?
Me: Exactly.— Just a Girl (@perfect_messs) January 27, 2018
Me: *empties dishwasher*
[three minutes later]
Wife: *checks cabinets to make sure I put everything away right*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 30, 2018
I don’t care how curious I am about the answer - if my husband orders me to “Google that,” the conversation is over.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 2, 2018
“Can you just be mature for once?,” my wife wasted her breath asking
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) February 4, 2018
I hate it when I’m right about something but my husband won’t admit I’m right so I have to keep bringing it up for our entire marriage.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 29, 2018
If my wife has taught me anything, it's that there isn't a limit to the amount of time you can spend shopping for throw pillows
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) January 27, 2018
My wife is either watching This is Us in the other room or she just got a call that everyone in our family is dead.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 7, 2018
My husband texted that he can't wait to show me the spreadsheet he created with our finances so if anyone is curious about what marriage is like after 20 years, this is it.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 30, 2018
Husband (in shower): you have like 8 bottles of shampoo and conditioner in here.
It's like he doesn't even want a hot wife with good hair.— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) October 17, 2016
[young couple]
Her: I love your manly scent.
[married couple]
Her: You smell.— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) February 7, 2018
My husband went grocery shopping 1st thing this morning.
I guess he didn’t like the pasta w/ ketchup sauce and garlic english muffins we had for dinner.— 10,000 Pretzels (@MommaUnfiltered) January 13, 2018
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 7, 2017
Me: Looks like it's time to play everyone's favorite game!
Kids: *clapping and cheering excitedly*
Husband: No one wants to help you find your glasses.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 31, 2018
I'm mad at my husband so I'm cooking him some turkey bacon.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 2, 2018
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.— Paul (@Grommit56) February 3, 2018
“OMG! Would you stop blinking so loud?!?!”
-marriage— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) January 29, 2018
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
wife *turns the TV up*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 6, 2018
Marriage is your wife:
- Saying you are "the smartest person she knows"
- But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 3, 2018
Me: *waits in car*
Wife: *unplugs toaster, closes curtains, checks oven, notifies NASA*
[10 miles later]
Wife: I forgot my purse— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 10, 2018
*standing atop a mountain*
“There it is, family. Drink it all in. Nature’s majesty. Let it quench your thirst for visual perfection”
Wife: You forgot to pack water, didn’t you
Me: Yep— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) February 6, 2018
Marriage is thinking to yourself “I’m a grown man and I’ll do what I want” but never saying it out loud.
— Spaced (@Spaced_Cowboy00) February 3, 2018
Husband watched me eagerly lick a bunch of brownie batter off a spatula and I waxed his back so that's enough sex stuff for one day
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 21, 2018
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 9, 2018
Alexa ...
Tell my wife she’s wrong.— A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ (@SteveKoehler22) February 7, 2018
Me: I'm feeling motivated.
Wife: What are you going to do?
Me: Wait till the feeling passes.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 7, 2018
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