28 Honest Tweets That Explain What Married Life Is Actually Like
The longer you’ve been married, the more you realize that many of the weird things you and your spouse do are actually quite common among other couples.
You’re not the only ones who brag to each other about all the household chores you’ve completed, build passive-aggressive pillow walls in bed and have legitimate arguments about whether you should start a new show on Netflix or rewatch “The Office” for the umpteenth time.
Below, we’ve gathered 28 relatable tweets that will ring true to married folks.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 17, 2018
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 9, 2018
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 13, 2018
*Sees pictures of husband when he was younger*
“I’d hit that*— Starchily Master (@StarchilyMaster) May 2, 2018
I bought a dozen doughnuts for me and my wife.
She said, "Oh, good. We'll have leftovers."
Then we both laughed.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2018
134% of marriage is telling your husband NO, he is NOT sick.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 18, 2018
“I don’t have the authority to make that decision.”
My stock answer when someone asks me if my wife and I would like to do something.— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) November 12, 2018
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) November 25, 2018
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*— Yaron Melman (@NrouteHQ) November 25, 2018
My wife and I have his and hers closets, which is another way of saying my wife has two closets.
— John sleeps on the couch (@atomicmojo) November 16, 2018
It is impossible for my husband to drive by a gas station without announcing the price of gas.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 19, 2018
Me: Your blinker has been on for like 20 minutes
Wife: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 25, 2018
My wife called because she had a flat tire. I immediately drove out to her and held the flashlight while she changed it.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2018
Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!
Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders
Wife: Wait— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) November 20, 2018
My husband unloaded the dishwasher so I guess now it’s time to have a parade for him
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) November 11, 2018
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 7, 2018
ME: Hi. I'm in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 13, 2018
My husband sure naps a lot for a person who gets a hell of a lot more sleep than I do.
— Mom (@OhThatMomGlow) November 4, 2018
Marriage unlocks the more advanced level of Netflix and chill: argue over Netflix and sleep.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 9, 2018
One fun Christmas tradition we have is waking up tomorrow and getting to see where my wife moved all the ornaments we hung on the tree today.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 26, 2018
I need another pillow to make the wall higher, I can still see you on your side of the bed.
~Married sext— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) November 21, 2018
Therapist: what’s your greatest fear?
Wife: that we’ll outlive our kids.
Me: the Pillsbury biscuit container.
Therapist: um what?
Me: I can’t tell when it’s gonna pop open. it really freaks me out.
Wife: I want to change my answer to that.— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) November 18, 2018
[during sex]
wife: This doesn’t mean that I like you— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 10, 2018
If my wife happens to ask, please say it’s normal for the house to shake when the furnace turns on.
— Fransplaining (@fransplaining) November 20, 2018
If a book of Dad Jokes came to life it would be my husband.
— Jo (@Just__J0) November 25, 2018
Husband: you’re not shaving your legs anymore?
Me: I can’t, it’s no shave November and I’m winning.— AnxiousMomma (@anxiousmommaof2) November 8, 2018
70% if marriage is informing your spouse what you cleaned that day.
“Did you see I did the dishes?”
“I did. Did you see I cleaned the living room? Like, I didn’t clean it all the way but you can definitely see I worked on it. “
“Yeah. You can’t tell but I did some laundry.”— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) November 17, 2018
My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have ninety three photos of our dog sleeping since last week.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 22, 2018
