To that end, we’ve gathered 27 tweets that accurately and hilariously capture the realities of married life.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
I feel sorry for my Wife.
If it wasn't for me, everyone would call us a beautiful couple.
— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) November 10, 2017
Me: The legend of this day shall reverberate through the ages
Wife: Seriously? You did one load of laundry
Me: Behold my majesty
— Son of Dad (@Steven37366100) November 15, 2017
Wife: Darn. Prince Harry is off the market.
Me: Why does it matter? You weren't on the market.
Wife: *refuses to make eye contact*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2017
It’s so nice when my husband’s away that the dog can fill in as the loudest breather of the household.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) November 16, 2017
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 11, 2017
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Me - You almost ready?
Wife - Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me - Yesterday at 7.
— Dan R (@Social_Mime) June 21, 2017
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) November 20, 2017
For the first time in 16 years, I remembered where we keep the tape without having to ask my wife, so our marriage is going well right now.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 21, 2017
the chicken in my wife's spicy chicken burger was bigger than the bun while mine was smaller and I know ill bring it up in a future argument
— brent (@murrman5) August 27, 2017
Me: *walking on the moon*
[text from wife]: Can you bring home some more milk?
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 18, 2017
My wife and I are tackling a home improvement project together.
Just thought I'd give you a heads up.
This is my last post as a married man.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2017
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
— Gorilla Von Nips (@GorillaNipples1) November 11, 2017
I don't know which is worse
1) My wife whistled for me to come downstairs
2) I did it
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 28, 2017
I didn’t even know it was possible to argue about a topic you agree on until I got married.
— not the WORST mom (@nottheworstmom) November 28, 2017
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) July 1, 2017
Husband is currently mad at me because I can’t show him how to do something that I don’t even know how to do.
— Kris (@Miss_Kris85) November 30, 2017
My husband almost threw away a package of cookies because they were crumbled so now we have to go marriage counseling. I just hope it’s not too late.
— Judy Bean️’s (@jnapsalot) November 19, 2017
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 20, 2017
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) December 3, 2017
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 4, 2017
H: why is the heat turned up so high in here?
Me: so I can sleep with a fan on.
— she’s unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) December 1, 2017
I’m gonna need my husband to hurry up and finish his story so I can tell the same story but, like, a lot better.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 3, 2017
I feel like if I use my demon voice then it's ok to interrupt the scary movie my husband is watching to ask him if he wants nachos.
— Wendy (@_wendyb07) November 6, 2017
95% of any Home Depot trip is spent trying to find my husband again.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 28, 2017
- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.