25 Tweets About Married Life That Are Hilariously Accurate

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017

I sent my wife a text.

Her typing bubble popped up for 10 minutes.

All she sent me was "K."

I'm as good as dead.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2017

[grocery store]
me *hits back of wife's leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 12, 2017

My husband wrote a note so he would remember to ask me how my hair appt went, in case you're wondering what it's like to be married 25 yrs.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 17, 2017

[kids gone for the evening]
wife: DATE NIGHT???
me: DATE NIGHT!!!
[we fall asleep watching 60 minutes]

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 16, 2017

I picked a restaurant

- marriage sext

— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) July 5, 2016

"I really like our fall wreath this year"

Is a thing I instinctively say because I'm finally getting good at marriage.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2017

“You’re just getting in the shower NOW???” - Me to my husband 10 minutes before we’re supposed to leave for any event

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 22, 2017

ME: we’re not getting any younger. the decisions we make now will affect our future
WIFE: *holding phone to chest* do you want guac or not?

— rob HELLiott (@rockymomax) October 15, 2017

Relationship status: I must be the authority because my wife always questions me.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 11, 2017

Idk how many times my wife will yell down the stairs without the kids responding

So far, it's more than 36.

— Jackson (@kerouac741) October 22, 2017

My favorite thing about being married is having someone to follow me around and shut off all the lights in every room of the house.

— bubble girl (@JessObsess) September 28, 2017

Accidentally sent my husband a nice text when I was waiting for him to notice we weren’t speaking because I was vaguely mad about something.

— EricaTriesToTrick (@EricaWhoToYou) October 25, 2017

So, I’m not certain what the perfect tenth anniversary gift is...

But according to my wife, it’s not a BFF necklace from Claire’s Boutique.

— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) October 18, 2017

Me: *sets down my beer*

Wife, three rooms away: I didn't hear a coaster.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 14, 2017

ME: you know what they say, measure once, cut twice
WIFE: that's not right. What did you just build?
*kids fall out of treehouse*

— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) May 4, 2015

My wife asked me to slice up 4 blocks of cheese for a cheese tray to take to a party. We ended up bringing a cake.

— Dan (@Social_Mime) October 19, 2017

me: Good morning
wife [not talking to me because of something I said in her dream]

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 24, 2017

Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?

— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017

Me: Did I snore last night?
My wife: No you woke up screaming from a nightmare.
Me: Awesome.

— Phil (@geowizzacist) October 8, 2017

Riddle: If a couple has been married for 25 yrs and they go car shopping in the rain, how long until they fall out of love?

Answer: 14 mins

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 10, 2017

My husband arguing with me about how I like to argue is the spark that keeps this marriage alive.

— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 22, 2017

Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.

— Jersey Devil 😈 (@better_off_dad) October 15, 2017

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 22, 2017

WIFE: I'm having friends over tonight but ur welcome to hang out with us

NARRATOR: but he didn't hang out with them, not even for a second

— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) October 21, 2017