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Sleep now because you’ll never sleep again!
The love you’ll have for your child is one you’ve never felt before!
Yada, yada, yada. Blah, blah, and blah.
Instead of a bunch of cliches, wouldn’t it be great if people told you things that were actually helpful – or at the very least honest about life with kids. You can depend on us for that kind of straight talk. Herewith, 25 things no one tells you about having a baby – but should.
1. You will be pregnant for 10 months, not 9 – full-term is 40 weeks, you do the math.
2. Your sex drive goes bananas in the second trimester and you will feel — wait for it — sexy!
3. Naming the babe is super stressful – it’s incredibly difficult to find one nameyou both love, and even then, you will be full of doubt.
4. You’ll poop on the table during delivery – and your partner will see it.
5. Expect a boob transformation – they will be HUGE, even early on, and your nipples will turn almost black (maroon if you’re fair-skinned) and expand to the size of coasters. What?!?!
6. There is a thing called a mucus plug. You will likely pass it vaginally before you give birth. Google it now because it’s alarming (to say the least!!), if you aren’t expecting it.
7. There’s always the chance that labor will go smoothly and be fairly easy.
8. OMG the placenta is HUGE and looks like a scary, bloody jellyfish.
9. Hemorrhoids, oh you painful, awful hemorrhoids.
10. If you breastfeed, your nipples may blister and bleed.
11. Breastfeeding is the most crazy primal thing you’ll ever experience – your baby can smell the milk and will come at you like a wild beast.
12. Sex (ugh) that doesn’t hurt afterwards may require the help of a physical therapist (or some good accessories).
13. You will wear a giant maxi pad for weeks after delivery.
14. You will have change-your-bed-and-your-PJ’s night sweats the first week of your baby’s life.
15. You will be horribly constipated after giving birth. And the first poop is excruciatingly painful – take stool softeners!
16. Hearing other babies cry in public will cause an instant letdown of milk right then and there, so always wear nursing pads.
17. You might be more hungry while nursing than you were while pregnant.
A YEAR IN
18. If you have nice perky boobs, breastfeeding will turn them into flapjack ta-tas when all is said and done. (And they can end up smaller than they were pre-pregnancy.)
19. You will pee your pants FOREVER – and likely never jump on a trampoline again.
20. Your friend group will change. You might not think you need new friends, but it’s the women who had babies at the same time as you that you’ll relate to the most.
21. Your hair will fall out in droves as soon as you stop breastfeeding.
22. The grocery store will become a private oasis of alone time that you look forward to.
23. Birthdays will crush you. Another year? How is that possible?
24. You will hate every coworker and friend without children who complains about not having time to do _____.
25. Your first period will be the worst ever, reminiscent of when you were 13, and stayed home from school with cramps.