These 24 Tweets Are An Accurate Representation Of Married Life

When you do it, it’s annoying, when I do it, it’s adorable.

Me, explaining life to my husband

— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) January 22, 2018

If you want to discuss the correct way to squeeze a tube of toothpaste every night, then being married might be right for you.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 30, 2017

I'm pretty sure my husband didn't breathe this loudly when I met him.

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) December 23, 2016

Husband: What's for dinner?

Me: Ah, we have two very fine options this evening! You may have Whatever The Kids Didn't Eat, or, the more appetizing, Something You Make For Yourself.

— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 23, 2018

Each night my wife takes three pillows that aren’t for sleeping off of the bed and puts them on a chair that’s not for sitting.

— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) January 18, 2018

My wife asked if I thought she should go on a diet.

I bought her doughnuts.

Marriage level: Expert.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2018

Having a wife and daughters means that at any given time 80% of your home’s interior is covered in stray hair ties.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 23, 2018

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

— yabkat (@ohen39) October 25, 2017

{me on my deathbed)

Husband: Do you know where my socks are?

— Lilybreau (@Lilybreau) January 25, 2018

Me [online shopping]: How cute is this teapot?
Husband: *couldn’t possibly care less*
Me: oh and it’s only $50
Husband: what?
Me: what?
Husband: what?
Me: *typing in credit card number* what?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 24, 2018

wife *spends 5 minutes telling me why I shouldn’t do something*
also wife: But do what you want

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 25, 2018

There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s unless you’re married.

— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) January 13, 2018

Don’t get married until you hear how they chew gum.

— The Eh Factor 🇨🇦 (@AngelaEhh) January 18, 2018

WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that

ME: [loading dishwasher the exact way she likes] hand me another bowl

— eric (@ericsshadow) January 16, 2018

My husband has an advanced degree and 18 questions about how to use a dishwasher pod.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 22, 2018

I just want the optimism of my husband who thinks if he throws a bunch of dirty laundry on top of the washing machine it will just wash itself.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 27, 2017

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 15, 2018

My wife left to get a haircut so I’ve got maybe 2 hours to practice my “that looks great!” face in the mirror

— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) January 18, 2018

My husband just made a joke about needing a life coach like I’m not standing. Right. Here.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 31, 2017

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) January 17, 2018

My wife didn’t add all of the butter the box of mac & cheese called for so I guess we are doing whole 30.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2018

My husband asked to accompany me doing a ton of errands today and this must be how a divorce starts.

— Lori (@loribuckmajor) January 13, 2018

I don’t think it’s a coincidence mini beer fridges are the exact same size as night stands, I tell my wife while we’re shopping for new bedroom furniture.

— Joel (@joeljeffrey) January 24, 2018

[phone]

H: Sorry, I forgot to warm up your truck this morning.

M: And I'm married because?

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 14, 2017