24 Hilariously Relatable Tweets That Describe Married Life To A T
No one expects every day of married life to be overflowing with wedded bliss ― that’s for sure.
So occasionally we need something to keep us laughing during those rough spots. Below, 24 marriage tweets we handpicked for every husband or wife in need of a good LOL.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 29, 2017
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017
Friend: Your husband is really great! Where did you meet him?
M: He's a rescue.— 🐶 Suds o' Bitches 🐶 (@SudsBitches) December 14, 2017
I’m at my most passive aggressive when I intentionally buy my wife something from Bed Bath & Beyond without using a coupon.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 26, 2017
Marriage pro tip: When your wife comes home from the store and shows you what she bought, you better make sounds like you're watching fireworks.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2017
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television— Oaks (@OakHill_) December 16, 2017
dating: its cute that you dont eat all the chicken off a wing
marriage: there’s like $1.75 worth of chicken left on those bones, meghan— brent (@murrman5) December 18, 2017
NEWLYWED HUSBAND: morning honey, I made you coffee and toast
MARRIED 12 YEARS: need anything in the bathroom before I blow it up?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 23, 2017
ME: I thought we'd try something new in the bedroom tonight
WIFE: Oh really, I like that
ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let's tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) December 19, 2017
my wife and i can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant
— Eric Bruno (@ericsshadow) January 3, 2018
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He's my soulmate.
— Winosaurus Mom 🍷🍾🥂 (@winosaurusmom) December 31, 2017
78% of marriage is just asking each other “who was that actor in that one movie” until one of you dies
— FunnyFrittata (@SF_incognito) November 18, 2017
My husband may have his "sudden poop whenever the kids need something", but I've got my "quick last minute errands before we have people over", so it's pretty fair.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) December 31, 2017
World’s Worst Sounds:
1. Nails on a chalkboard
2. Alarm clock
3. Dentist’s drill
4. That tiny puff of air my husband’s lips make every time he exhales while sleeping— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 3, 2018
Why is it that things always magically start working the second you tell your husband they’re broken?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 23, 2017
Get married so that when you’re sick your spouse can complain that they’re probably sicker because everything is always a contest.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 23, 2017
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 14, 2017
Until I got married I didn't know it was possible to breathe like an asshole
— TVD🇺🇸 (@shopkins776) December 21, 2017
The best part about marriage is getting in trouble for going to the bathroom when your spouse was thinking about going to the bathroom.
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) December 23, 2017
I wish when my wife said, "You're a monster," she meant the cool kind with fangs and muscles and not the me kind who ate all her cheesecake.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 28, 2017
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 30, 2017
Protip: Never give a tandem bicycle as an anniversary gift.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) January 3, 2018
Wife: *lectures me for 10 minutes how my jacket isn't warm enough
Me: Fine, I'll change
Wife: If you want. It's up to you.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 21, 2017
When you're married, every kiss begins with, "Have you brushed your teeth yet?"
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 6, 2017
This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.
