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23 Funny Tweets That Will Ring True To Anyone Who's Been Married
October 5, 2017
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My husband used to grab a beer and head straight for the shower when he got home from work. Every morning I would get in the shower and that empty beer bottle would still be in there. Apparently throwing it away was difficulty level expert for him and easy for me. He left an empty beer bottle in the shower before he deployed. I found it when I came back from dropping him off. It stayed there till he got back, then I made him throw it away. (the real reason it stayed was because it made me feel less lonely. he doesn't need to know that though)
I've been married 27 years (28 in Nov) and the secret of a good marriage is separate bathrooms. Her bathroom has five or six different soaps, 11 bottles of shampoo, weird sponges and things that look like sponges, and candles. Mine has a 2 bars of soap (one in the shower, one by the sink) a bottle of shampoo, and a towel. I don't go in her bathroom except to get aspirin for her or to make sure she has toilet paper, because women go through lots of toilet paper. We don't fart in front of each other, unless we can blame it on one of the dogs, and we love each other completely. Take her out to do things she's never done before (I took mine indoor skydiving for her 70th birthday three weeks ago) and she was so excited she came home and banged my brains out. Now that's how I do it!!
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield
Me to wife as I attempt to back a large camper trailer down a narrow path with trees.
"Stand behind the trailer where I can see you in my mirrors and let me know if I am going to hit anything".
So, wife stands behind trailer and motions me with her hands to start backing up. As I do she suddenly starts shaking her head from side to side. I jam on the brakes. She starts motioning with her hands for me to start backing again. I do and again she starts shaking her head violently. I jam on the brakes. She looks frustrated and motions me to start backing up again but again she starts shaking her head. I got out of the truck, walked back and said, "What's the problem?"
"Nothing", she said, "You are doing great".
"Then why do you keep shaking your head every time I start backing up," I asked.
She says, "I am saying, NO, you aren't going to hit anything."
If a man is in the woods and no woman can hear him, would he still be wrong?
You have to sand the dents and nicks out of wood.....kids heal all by themselves.
How about when you bring her a treat home for her that says low cal, or weight watchers on it, and get the stare?
me and the still have hallway sex. we pass each other in the hallway and flip each other the bird.
I posted something similar a few years back when my husband was working out of state and hid the riding mower keys on me. He didn't want me booze cruising while maintaining the lawn but, felt I was completely competent to be left alone with his children. 😀
My grandfather's advice (married 60 plus years), have things to do AWAY from each other. Do NOT spend all your time together.
Some of these are funny.
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