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22 Questions to Ask If You Think Your Partner Is Unhappy

Charlotte Andersen

July 12, 2017 at 2:48 PM

<p>At least one of these will help you move beyond "I'm fine."</p>

<p>"A change in habits is one of the first signs of relationship issues. It can indicate unhappiness, personal stress, even cheating - but it could also indicate a number of other things, so don't jump to conclusions. If there are any significant changes, discuss them with your partner to determine what's behind them." <em>-Sarah E. Clark, licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship expert, and co-founder of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.idealationship.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Idealationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Idealationship</a></em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3721/things-you-should-never-say-in-a-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:45 Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">45 Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"People often think about <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/g3636/15-ways-to-make-your-long-time-relationship-sexy-again/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:the status of their relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">the status of their relationship</a> and where it's headed at the beginning of the relationship, but those conversations shouldn't stop. Not being on the same page when you're committed or married leads to unhappiness and divorce. Marriage is a big job. Don't say 'We'll figure it out later.' Later means never or when it's too late."<em> -<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://DariusRussin.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Darius Russin;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Darius Russin</a>, M.D., M.B.A.</em></p>

<p>"Many people in relationships make the mistake of giving up their past friends to focus solely on couple time. However, doing everything together can <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g595/happy-marriage-secrets/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:create staleness in the relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">create staleness in the relationship</a> and is a great recipe for both partners to get sick of each other. To be happy, you both need to make time for your separate friends, even if it's just a couple of days a month." <em>-Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and relationship coach with </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://thepopularman.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Popular Man;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>The Popular Man</em></a></p>

<p>"In my job as a divorce mediator, often a spouse wants to tell me the whole backstory to their divorce. But I can tell you what really happened - in every divorce, someone (but usually both people) feels dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or devalued. These are major indicators of unhappiness." <em>-Elinor Robin, PhD, Divorce Mediator with A Friendly Divorce in Gainesville, FL</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4307/sabotaging-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Taking time to regularly cuddle, touch, and show love and affection for your partner stimulates chemicals in the body like oxytocin and dopamine, which foster feelings of attraction. Without <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a51059/relationship-advice-i-wish-i-knew/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:that feeling of connectedness;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">that feeling of connectedness</a>, a divide can form, which can lead to unhappiness. Even a short amount of intimate time daily with your sweetheart can really keep that bond strong."<em> -<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://antoniahall.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Antonia Hall;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Antonia Hall</a>, psychologist, relationship expert and author of</em> The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life</p>

<p>"Because feeling undervalued is a significant <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/news/a50790/how-people-knew-they-needed-to-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:cause of divorce;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">cause of divorce</a>, finding out what makes your spouse feel important is critical. Figure out what your spouse needs to feel valued and make sure it happens. They will, I guarantee you, reciprocate in kind." <em>-Robin</em></p>

<p>"People do not experience love in the same way, and if you're not speaking your partner's 'love language', that can result in great unhappiness. Dr. Gary Chapman detailed the five different love languages to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse - those languages are quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gift giving. Learning to speak a partners' love language has saved many marriages." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kim Olver;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Kim Olver</a>, relationship coach and author of Secrets of Happy Couples</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3941/marriage-tips-from-longtime-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together</a></strong></span></p>

<p>"People mistakenly believe that they shouldn't ask for what they want from their partner, when in actuality it is the <em>best</em> way to communicate and get what you want from your relationship. Your partner shouldn't expect you to meet all their needs-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3163/steve-harvey-quotes/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:expecting someone to 'complete' you;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">expecting someone to 'complete' you</a> is a romantic idea but not a healthy one. But healthy couples do work together to make sure the most important needs are being met." <em>-Clark</em></p>

<p>"A <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/g744/husband-complaints/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:common cause of unhappiness in a relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">common cause of unhappiness in a relationship</a> is making assumptions about what one's partner is saying. For instance, one partner may say something as innocuous as 'I'm feeling lazy today.' The other partner will then give a number of suggestions so that she doesn't feel lazy. 'You can go to the gym. Or, you mentioned you wanted to go get some fabric for a new quilt. You could do that.' Meanwhile, the first partner feels misunderstood. The only way to clear up assumptions is to discuss them." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.janetzinn.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Janet Zinn;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Janet Zinn</a>, licensed social worker and psychotherapist</em></p>

<p>"A major source of unhappiness is taking the focus off the relationship and putting it on cruise control to focus on careers, children, extended families, and community work instead of shared time together. Couples need to keep an active engagement with the romance, friendship, and fun that led them to their initial attraction and excitement about being together. They can't assume that connection will remain unless they put time and energy into keeping it alive." <em>-Jefferson A. Singer, Ph.D., co-author of Positive Couple Therapy, Dean of the College of Psychology, Connecticut College</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4081/signs-your-marriage-is-in-trouble/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"A common habit that damages a relationship is not voicing your expectations. <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g4007/things-people-struggle-with-in-new-relationships/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Unsaid expectations;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Unsaid expectations</a> can lead to resentment and unhappiness. Even if it's not a realistic expectation, talking about it can help a great deal." <em>-Clark</em></p>

<p>"You should <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4426/relationship-questions-couples-should-never-ask/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:never expect your partner to do anything;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">never expect your partner to do anything</a> that's against their own values - and if you push them it shows a lack of respect and can lead to unhappiness in the relationship. But you can't know your partner's values unless you ask them. Then you can figure out if you're on the same page." <em>-Clark</em></p>

<p>"Each partner should be able to find three things they are grateful for each day about their partner and share it with them. Whether it's gratitude for working hard, cleaning up the house, or taking care of the children, complimenting your loved one leads to increased positivity in the relationship. If they can't think of three things, this is a red flag they are unhappy." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=318497&search=hershenson&ref=2&sid=1488894923.8327_24335&name=hershenson&tr=ResultsRow" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kimberly Hershenson;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Kimberly Hershenson</a>, individual and couples therapist based in NYC</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4296/34-alternatives-to-couples-therapy-that-strengthen-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:34 Alternatives to Couples Therapy That Will Strengthen Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">34 Alternatives to Couples Therapy That Will Strengthen Your Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Sometimes you simply need to <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4444/how-to-fix-relationship-problems/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:give your partner permission to say;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">give your partner permission to say</a> what they're worried about. Start with, 'You may be a little afraid to tell me, but if it's important to you, it's important to me." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.TheTalkingSolution.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marni Feuerman;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Marni Feuerman</a>, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Boca Raton, FL</em></p>

<p>"Sex can be a major source of unhappiness in a marriage. Married folks often make the mistake of having sex only in bed in their bedroom, which turns it into a very routine and monotonous act. They can also often blame each other for being different in bed. But I find that <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/g527/spice-up-sex-life/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:different sexual personalities;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">different sexual personalities</a> make the best couples. Instead of getting frustrated, they need to put things in perspective and work together to find a solution that makes them both happy." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.DTPdoctors.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Svetlana Kogan;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Svetlana Kogan</a>, M.D.</em></p>

<p>"Children add a lot of positives to a person's life, but they can also add a lot stress, including decreased intimacy in the relationship. When children come first, the loss of the marital relationship can be very painful. It isn't easy to maintain that happy physical and emotional connection to your partner when there are baths needing to happen, meals needing to be cooked, and toys needing to be picked up." <em>-Hershenson</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3851/things-you-should-never-tell-people-about-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:7 Things You Should Never Tell People About Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">7 Things You Should Never Tell People About Your Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Feeling unappreciated is a major source of unhappiness in relationships. Counteract this by saying thank you for something (anything!) and at least once a day take notice of something special they bring into your life." <em>-Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, and author of</em> <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://bit.ly/SurvivingNarcissists" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Surviving Narcissists;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Surviving Narcissists</a></p>

<p>"A <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g788/womens-marriage-complaints/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:big source of unhappiness in a marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">big source of unhappiness in a marriage</a> is when one or both partners let themselves go. This can be physically - gaining weight, quitting exercise, developing unhealthy habits. Or it can be developmentally, where they stop trying to improve. For example, many people lose their fun-loving, adventurous nature as they continue in a marriage. Or, where they once had zest for life and passion for their partner, now they're always tired and only focused on work."<em> -Bennett</em></p>

<p>"Arguing on occasion is perfectly normal in any long term relationship. But fighting too much or avoiding conflict completely builds up resentment and causes you to emotionally detach from your partner. Marriages with true closeness and intimacy involve the expression of feelings, even the tough ones." <em>-Feuerman</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3718/the-worst-marriage-advice-from-every-decade/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Worst Marriage Advice of Every Decade Since the 1900s;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Worst Marriage Advice of Every Decade Since the 1900s</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"A <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3661/things-to-never-do-in-a-healthy-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:major mistake I see couples making;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">major mistake I see couples making</a> that leads to great unhappiness is not listening to each other. It's such a simple thing, but it's so important. Ask them how they feel and then listen without interrupting (even if you're dying to interrupt them). Build in uninterrupted time with each other, sans phone, kids, and TV. Then repeat back to them to ensure they feel heard and that you accurately heard it." <em>-Durvasula</em></p>

<p>"You'll know when someone is not going to change their mind on a problem. Some people will never budge. Listen to your partner. Do they <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/advice/g3348/fighting-relationships-marriage-advice/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:always take their family's point of view;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">always take their family's point of view</a>? Are you always blamed? If they're not willing to change, you can never find happiness together."<em> -Russin</em></p>

<p>"Sometimes you just have to ask. Instead of discussing their unhappiness, people may let conflicts and resentments fester. Keeping silent about a perceived inequity or accepting behaviors over and over that are troubling may seem like one is being a good sport or taking the good with the bad. But speaking up is the only way to maintain true intimacy and closeness." <em>-Singer</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g3839/important-marriage-conversations/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:11 Questions You Have to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Married;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">11 Questions You Have to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Married</a></strong><br></p>

At least one of these will help you move beyond "I'm fine."