21 Spot-On Tweets About Married Life That Hit Close To Home

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017

Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.

Me: So it's a can't opener?

Wife: I can't believe I married you.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017

Marriage shouldn't require work. It should be effortless like writing a novel or breakdancing.

— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) June 4, 2017

My wife's been in Homegoods so long she just qualified for medical coverage.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2017

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017

Got a popcorn maker for my wedding (it's my wife. She makes popcorn) pic.twitter.com/gug4Kyxd5O

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) June 9, 2017

Married almost 20 years, my advice to dating couples is to ask this important question What are your feelings on air conditioning in May?

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) May 17, 2017

"I could just get Quilted Northern and you can get whatever your brand is," the most married man in Target sighs into speaker phone.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 20, 2017

(Going to Wife's Work Party)
WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 4, 2017

Husband: *choking on a curly fry*

Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!

— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017

Husband asked what I want for my bday. Answer: "I'd love some great guacamole!"

Your 40s lower not just life expectancy, but expectations.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 14, 2017

ME: I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery
WIFE: ok you know you won't be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes though
ME: fuck that then

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 16, 2016

Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.

— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2017

Let's get married so we can argue about whether or not to throw away a 13-year-old plate.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2017

Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017

Wife: I have clothes for you to try on.

5-year-old: *flops on the floor*

Me: Grow up.

Wife: I have some for you, too.

Me: *also flops*

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2017

My husband & I fight by changing the wifi password.

— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) November 18, 2016

WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast?

ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating some nachos* kids are gross

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 1, 2017

Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?

Wife: NO. All you do is text me questions the whole time. I'll do it.

Husbanding level: Expert.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 14, 2016