The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
“we need to talk later”— tinabambina (@itsnottina_) October 17, 2017
first of all, i have anxiety. tell me now
post-Harvey Weinstein my coven has been casting hexes to ensure the search for predatory males in Hollywood turns into a witch hunt— Bez (@Bez) October 15, 2017
I Had Tuna For Lunch. Now I Need To Cancel All My Meetings. An office tale.— Rowaida Abdelaziz (@Rowaida_Abdel) October 16, 2017
You: Why don't you ever come to Brooklyn?— Danielle Henderson (@knottyyarn) October 16, 2017
Also you: I've been on the F train for 3 hours. I saw a live birth and traded my iPad for food.
1987: in 2017 we'll have flying cars!— the boogeyshan (@shannondorf_) October 15, 2017
My milkshake brings all the boys AND GIRLS to the yard...because I have a successful milkshake business.— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) October 16, 2017
q: what do ghostwriters write— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) October 16, 2017
How early you saw #hamilton is such a funny new piece of social currency.— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 16, 2017
"but you said your 5 mins away"— tina (@itstinatbh) October 16, 2017
First of all I didn't say where I'm 5 mins away from
I just want to look through the junk drawer in your kitchen it doesn’t have to be a big thing— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 18, 2017
One undeniable perk of being an adult is you can use "I'm tired" as a way to get out of anything: a social event, a conversation, a marriage— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 18, 2017
Jeff Sessions looks like a stack of ghosts in a business suit pretending to be a racist— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 18, 2017
Love watching baseball because it's full of attainable body types.— Kashana (@kashanacauley) October 20, 2017
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!— Sondra Dee (@SondraDeeMe) October 19, 2017
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Wow, google's really got my number tonight pic.twitter.com/d2ZGu1R4m7— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 20, 2017
The SPOOKIEST haunted house is your obsessive mind driven by fear anxiety and resentment, admission is always free HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) October 20, 2017
do u ever think you see ur ex from far away & then you get closer & realize it's actually a very sick pigeon eating a piece of chicken bone— Scarin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) October 18, 2017
I saw grape on the carpet and thought it was a cockroach.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 20, 2017
Anyhow, grape's dead now.
WHAT?— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 18, 2017
-- montage of dogs hearing the fridge door open at 11 PM
"I was just walking along the subway platform, and it scurried by!"— JokerKaren (@batkaren) October 18, 2017
The first rat nods. "So gross — I still have the willies."
- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.