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By Michael Hollan
Everyone knows that as soon as you become a parent, you have to give things up. You’ll swap late nights for early mornings, you’ll most likely have fewer date nights and less sex, and you can’t leave blades precariously balanced all over your house anymore.
While most people might be aware of these somewhat obvious sacrifices, there are other things you lose when you become a parent — things that are less apparent (but just as awful) to give up. Case in point:
1. Never being the one to decide what’s on TV.
Once you have kids, you’re watching whatever they want to watch. Also, normal people watch an episode of a show and then move onto the next episode. But when you’re an adult, you will watch the same episode OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Only a maniac would do that, right? Well, guess what? Kids are maniacs and probably belong in prison.
2. Being forced to be friends with people based on whether your kids like each other.
Your kid needs to be around other kids their own age. They’re not going to go out and meet any people on their own though (at least not until they’re school-age), so that’s up to you. So as opposed to making friends with people based on whether or not you like being around them, you now have to be friends with people simply because they have kids the same age as yours.
How often you get to see these people depends solely on whether or not your kids like each other. Basically, you better hope your kid doesn’t make friends with a kid who has parents that don’t use soap.
3. Having your little blabbermouth reveal embarrassing secrets.
Your kid is like a little tape recorder. They remember everything they see and hear. Whenever the kid is around (which is basically always), they’re documenting every single thing that you say. Also, they have no concept of keeping secrets. They just say things out loud with no regard for who’s around.
Think your mother-in-law’s lasagna isn’t so great? Well, don’t say that out loud in front of the little blabbermouth unless you’re looking to have a super-awkward conversation.
4. Making separate meals for you and your kid.
One of the weirdest things about kids is that they never want to eat. I’m a grown-up and I eat constantly. Trying to get a kid to eat is infuriating. They just won’t do it. When you find a food that they actually do like, guess what? That’s all they’re going to be eating for the next two years.
Forget making your favorite foods when you feel like it because you can’t eat around a kid without feeding them too. So unless you plan on making one meal for yourself and then making a completely separate meal for the kid, get used to what weird food your little animal falls in love with.
5. Holding your f*cking tongue.
No swearing! Even accidentally. This seems obvious but how often do you swear? You probably have no idea. It’s not even that you can’t swear; it’s that you constantly have to monitor yourself. There’s nothing worse than swearing around a baby. You have no idea if they heard it and no idea if it registered until days later when you put them on the phone with their pappy and the kid calls Pappy the F-word.
Also, forget having strong political opinions around your child unless you want them telling strangers that “Taxes are the devil’s income.”
6. Putting your hobbies on the back-burner.
Only the super-rich get to have kids and hobbies. Most people have kids and then lose all of their free time, space in their house, and energy to stay awake. Also, they eat up a lot of your money. Unless your hobby is taking a five-minute nap instead of getting a full night’s sleep, sayonara.
7. Throwing your schedule out the window.
You’re never going to be able to keep a schedule. You can’t plan things in advance because sometimes kids just decide that it’s time to act like assh*les. When this happens, there’s no stopping them. Sure, maybe you planned on seeing some friends, but now your kid is running around naked and screaming at the cat.
You’re staying home.
8. Explaining sarcasm.
Being sarcastic is awesome. Too bad kids don’t understand it. They’re dumb. Whatever you say, they’re going to take it literally and at face-value. It’s way too easy to make a kid cry and no one will find it funny when you do.
9. Eating at restaurants without feeling guilty.
If you’ve ever worked in the service industry, you understand that being a waiter at a table with little kids is the worst. Kids make messes, they’re loud, and they typically don’t order a lot of food. Since you work on tips, you kind of want your tables to order a lot. Now that you’re a parent, every restaurant experience is going to end with you feeling like garbage because your kid spilled their apple juice and called the waiter a donkey.
10. Forfeiting spontaneity.
One of the best things about being a grown-up without kids is that you can decide that you want to do something and then … just do it. Taking a last minute trip, going to a party, or even just out to eat can be spur-of-the-moment decisions. But you can’t just take a baby on a road trip and although you might decide that you want to go out for dinner at the last-minute, you’ve already fed the kid, so guess what? You’re eating microwaved French fries — again.
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