The Worst Music Videos of 2016

The Worst Music Videos of 2016

Selecting the worst videos of the year is usually an easy — if thankless — task. In the recent past, even huge acts like Kanye West, Nicki Minaj, and the Chainsmokers (remember “#SELFIE”?) have released video lemons, and then there are those viral vids by PSY and Rebecca Black that were shoo-ins for their respective years’ worst-of countdowns.

In 2016, however, there was a relative lack of truly horrible videos — either by big-name or amateur artists. We suppose that’s a good year-end problem to have. Still, we did find a group of unlucky seven. And here they are.

7. Kazaki, “Pen Pineapple Apple Pen”

Japanese comedian Daimaou Kosaka happened to be sitting around his house one day twiddling a pen, when he noticed an open can of pineapples on his desk. And the rest, as they say, is history. He composed this extremely stupid/catchy ditty, created a character named Piko-Taro to deliver it, shot a cheap music video, and promptly racked up 100 million views on YouTube — and also went down in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the shortest song ever to chart on the Billboard Hot 100. Go ahead and laugh (or barf), but if you’re a parent, beware: This video isn’t as harmless as it seems. It was basically the pop-culture phenomenon most likely to drive parents/teachers insane this year, and if you play this insidious earworm around the house, be prepared to hear your kids shouting, “Uh! Apple pen!” well into 2017.

6. Britney Spears feat. G-Eazy, “Make Me…”

This, one of the most annoying videos of the year (albeit the most legitimate and big-budget entry on this list), consists of either pointless shots of Britney in lingerie, or even more pointless scenes of Brit and her giggling gal pals ogling buff male models’ auditions for what is presumably the real “Make Me…” video (which surely had to be better than this). After a series of muscular auditioning himbos strip down and douse their bare bods with bottled water, one out-of-shape guy comes along, bringing to mind that famous Saturday Night Live Chippendales sketch with Chris Farley. But obviously, he’s not the guy Britney ends up with. We never do find out who won the audition — but everyone who watches this loses, really.

5. Gnash feat. Olivia O’Brien, “i hate u, i love u”

Nature videos are usually pretty cool, but this one will just make you want to head indoors forever. This borderline-unwatchable video runs for almost a minute before we see a brief glimpse of Gnash in a shades and a leather jacket. However, few more shots of him walking through the woods, singing about the pain of dysfunctional relationships and swearing, and you’ll long for more generic scenes of waves splashing up against the shore. Then O’Brien whines and moans while taking a clichéd long walk on the beach. Clearly these two belong together. Our advice? Switch this off and pick up a copy of National Geographic or flip on the Discovery Channel instead. (Warning: Video below contains profanity.)

4. Jorn, “Running Up That Hill”

Who knows what possessed Norwegian singer Jorn to do a heavy metal remake of Kate Bush’s ‘80s classic — let alone shoot a full music video? Clearly lacking any budget for special effects, Jorn just sings angrily in a snowscape while sounding like a bizarre hybrid of Sammy Hagar and Rob Halford. Ice statues are superimposed across the screen (presumably to emphasize how cold the location is, even though that’s completely obvious judging from the condensation on Jorn’s breath), but Jorn’s coat isn’t buttoned and he’s not wearing gloves — because dressing warmly obviously wouldn’t be “metal” enough. So what does it all mean? Only Jorn knows, and he’s too busy scowling and shivering to answer.

3. Jacob Sartorius, “Sweatshirt”

This one’s just weird. A young boy who gets teased and bullied in math class has a major crush on one of his female classmates, who happens to be wearing a short-sleeved shirt. So he declares, “If you are not ready for my kiss, you can wear my sweatshirt!” Then his backpack opens, and thanks to the powers of primitive stop-motion cinematography, his sweatshirt crawls out and slithers across the floor towards the hapless short-sleeved girl. When the teacher sees Jacob’s sweatshirt on the ground, he picks it up and hands it back to the kid, momentarily halting the magic — but the determined garment won’t be stopped so easily. In the school hallway, the animatronic sweatshirt pops out of Jacob’s backpack again and wriggles its way towards the poor girl while the singer evades aggressive jocks and popular dancing kids. Finally, Jacob picks up his stinky shirt and hands it to his crush – and instead of reacting the normal way and being totally freaked out, she smiles and walks away with him, arm-in-long-sleeved-arm. This creepy video will make us want to wear T-shirts and tank tops for the duration of 2017.

2. Kontrust, “Dance”

Maybe it’s the culture gap, but this video from the Austrian dance-metal outfit is utterly perplexing. The frontwoman is dressed like blonde barmaid and surrounded by men with ‘70s moustaches, clunky shoes, and checkered shoes; when the chorus hits, the ‘70s-esque studs all dance in unison, slapping their sides, lifting their legs, and alternately smacking their shoes and jogging in place. It all looks more like something you’d see at an international cultural fair than in a music video. By the end, the dancers have climbed one another’s shoulders, linked arms, and engaged in some choreographed slapping. Seriously, when that “Cotton Eye Joe” band Rednex makes another video, they ought to hire the director who made this.

1. Three Beat Slide, “Journey”

Clearly, this family act with delusions of Partridge-style grandeur has no label, no management, and no releases. But they’ve shot nine low-budget videos of amateur original songs and posted them on VEVO and YouTube. So in our book, they’re fair game. “Journey” is shot on a playground, and between off-key, off-time pop vocal passages delivered in a (perhaps unintentional) near-rap monotone, Three Beat Slide frolic on swings, bouncy toys, jungle-gym apparatus, and a circular slide. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with having a little family fun by making silly home videos — just don’t share them on the web, please.