Last year, Poison singer Bret Michaels--the man aptly credited with "vocalizin' and socializin'" on his band's debut LP--reared his bandanna-swaddled head in pop culture once again, following his star turn as Nashville Star's wisecracking center judge with his own reality show, a televised search for the heavy-metal hoochie of his rock 'n' roll fantasies called Rock Of Love.
Well, after wading chaps-deep through a murky sea of big-haired, big-implanted groupie girls, Bret narrowed his lurid lovehunt down to two prospects: a magenta-haired ice queen named Jes, and a brassy-tressed, brass-balled, gold-hearted Vegas stripper named Heather. Heather seemed like the perfect match for him (well, she could match him tequila shot for tequila shot, at least, and she had enough abundant, Aquanetted hair to compensate for whatever might've been lacking under his everpresent bandanna). But even though Heather proved her undying adoration for Bret by tattooing his name on her deeply spray-tanned flesh, Bret still made the mistake of choosing Jes--a woman who dumped him on the reunion show faster than she could open up and say ahh.
But maybe it wasn't a mistake. Because if Bret and his bachelorette #1 had worked out in "real life," he would've never had the second chance to pursue rebound romance--and RATINGS, of course--on this year's Rock Of Love 2.
So VH1 quickly held another open casting call, recruited an even sleazier slew of willing wannabes (most notably Angelique, aka the Gallic, trout-pouted he/she nicknamed "Frenchie"), and Bret started another search for a proverbial rose among the thorns. And now it's down to "singer"/exotic dancer Daisy De La Hoya (niece of Oscar) and professional actress/TV presenter Ambre Lake, between whom Bret will choose on this Sunday's Rock Of Love 2 finale. Now, it's likely that whomever Bret picks, he'll probably split with her just in time to start taping Rock Of Love 3...but just in case he is taking this potentially life-altering decision seriously, here are the pros and cons of each:
AGE - Ambre is 37, while Daisy is somewhere in her early twenties (all the plastic surgery's she had, which gives her the appearance of a "melted-faced tranny" according the Best Week Ever, makes it hard for me to guestimate her exact age here). Now, it seems 46-year-old Bret would be more compatible with Ambre than with a chick who's literally too young to remember the original versions of the tunes on Poison's recent cover-songs album. But rock stars are (in)famous for upgrading their girlfriends/wives every few years--trading them in for younger, spiffier models, as if they were leased cars. So Ambre's "advanced" age might not be an advantage in this instance, especially since she lied and claimed to be 32 when she first met Bret. This fib seemed to irk Bret quite a bit, even though Daisy's many off-white lies (about having a previous relationship of some kind with Poison guitarist C.C. DeVille, about cohabitating with her ex-boyfriend, etc.) seemed to be far more egregious than Ambre's largely vanity-driven shaving-off of five years. But regardless, last season Bret chose twentysomething Jes over thirtysomething Heather, and we all know men never change. (WINNER = DAISY)
OCCUPATION - Daisy is a (self-declared) singer, despite what her tone-deaf rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" would have us believe. So it seems like that would be a plus, as she and Bret have that in common. However, a shared love of music and performing wasn't enough to keep Peyton in the competition, and Bret might worry that Daisy is just looking for another musician's coat-tails to ride, now that she's no longer singing for her ex Charles's band. Additionally, Daisy earns a living as an exotic dancer--the same profession as season 1's Heather, whom Bret thought was too much of a "party girl"--so that could be an disadvantage. Then again, there IS a reason why Bret had a stripper pole installed in his Rock Of Love mansion, so maybe Daisy's dancing is a plus. Meanwhile, Ambre is an actress with a modestly impressive history of bit parts in films and TV shows like Sweet Home Alabama and The Twilight Zone. Not quite as sexy as Daisy's career, but if Bret's looking for a woman who won't necessarily depend on his "Every Rose Has Its Thorns" royalties, gainfully employed Ambre is probably the better bet. (WINNER = AMBRE)
APPEARANCE - Not to be mean, but Daisy is such a butter face, she should get an endorsement deal with Parkay. Her body is smoking, but from the neck up she's a hot mess of over-inflated duck lips, jutting Picasso-painting facial angles, and half-mast eyes that make her look like Janis from the Muppets. But did I mention her body is smoking? Yep, she filled out a garter belt quite nicely when Bret took her lingerie-shopping on their solo date, that's for sure. Anyway, Ambre has abs of steel that have received multiple compliments from Bret (so much so that she used pinking shears to hack all her tops into half-shirts, the better to show off her stomach). And Ambre is technically much prettier than Daisy, with a face that seems relatively silicone-, Restylane-, and Botox-free. But, well, Ambre does look 37, not 32. That shouldn't be a bad thing considering that 37 is still nine years younger than Bret's age--but let's face it, as I mentioned two paragraphs ago, most rockers like 'em young. Also, it should be noted that Daisy caught Bret's eye right away in episode 1, securing a coveted "VIP pass" from him, while Ambre was totally overlooked and almost sent home early in the season. That indicates what the attraction level is here. (WINNER = DAISY in Bret's opinion, AMBRE in mine)
CONNECTION - Ambre and Bret did not have a real spark at first; in fact, he was going to eliminate her, until one of the bachelorettes he'd picked had a panic attack and decided to go home early, thus luckily leaving an open slot for Ambre to fill. But Ambre and Bret's "spiritual connection" grew from the moment they smooched--Bret has said on more than one occasion that Ambre is the best kisser in the house--and she seems to have a developed-enough brain to carry on polysyllabic conversations with Bret. Then again, polysyllabic conversations may not be that high on Bret's (admittedly long) list of turn-ons, given that he had Ambre have only kissed but he and Daisy have supposedly slept together "about 500 times." (WINNER = DAISY)
All right, if my extremely scientific calculations above are correct, then Daisy is the woman who'll get the final rose, while Ambre will be left with the thorns. I hope I'm wrong, though, since I do think Ambre is the better catch. Either way it's going to be close, so we'll all just have to watch this weekend to find out who Rock Of Love 2's fallen angel will be. Set your TiVo now!