R. Kelly, Framed

John Kordosh
Framed (NEW)

Hello, valued readers, and welcome to Framed! This week, our guest star is the inimitable R. Kelly, the talented and controversial singer whose career has been occasionally sidetracked by serious legal issues.  Despite them, Kelly is a true star, and was named the most successful R&B artist of the last 25 years by Billboard in 2011.

Our video is "Trapped In The Closet," R.'s seemingly never-ending saga of adventures in fidelity. This week we're featuring chapters one through five in the series that the singer himself has cutely described as "hip-hopera."

Since the damn thing just goes on and on, we've decided it'll be our featured video from now until late September! Yes, we'll be doing nothing but writing R. Kelly captions for the next eight months, and loving every minute of it! This is the best job we've ever had!

We'll see you next week with — well, you know — so don't be anyplace else!

1 — Republican politicians are the new reality show craze!

2 — "But I'm into older women nowadays. You know, in their late teens."

3 — Make Floor Girl drop to the floor? Ha!

4 — Is that Gunno, The Sentient Weapon? Or is it The Hovering Arm? Or, is it, Lord have mercy, an unholy alliance of both?

5 — "The bathroom's that way? I wouldn't want this to be captured on video for the whole world to see."

6 — "Live long and... um, wait a minute. Live, um, long... dammit!"

7 — "Perhaps there should be a stunning and utterly preposterous cliffhanger at the end of all the video chapters! Or would that be widely mocked?"

8 — "Ego te baptizo in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Can you dig it?"

9 — "What the...? My new Bain Capitol app just fired me?"

10 — "No, I don't have a light, officer, but can I thank you for pulling me over to ask?"

11 — "OK, OK, just picture this! Instead of doing songs, you write a weekly web log for a multinational internet corporation! That says art!"

12 — "Damn! Twenty-three chapters? And none of them make sense?"