Madonna’s Epic Billboard Awards Speech: Like a Curmudgeon

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses! (NEW)

Madonna's speech at Sunday night's Billboard Music Awards was such an over-the-top display of diva-dom, even audience members like Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, and Nicki Minaj were probably taken aback. But it was also one of the night's most entertaining moments.

Showing up to accept her Top Touring Artist award in Kanye West shades, a fur jacket, stockings and a garter belt, and not much else — and looking so blasé about the whole event, it was a wonder she showed up at all — the blondely ambitious elder stateswoman of pop promised that her acceptance speech would be "brief." She then proceeded to self-importantly blather about herself for what felt like 15 minutes.

Actually, it was only about four minutes — but they were fascinating minutes, and personally, I never wanted them to end.

Madonna started off her epic speech complaining about her microphone stand's height, saying, "They obviously think I'm shorter than I am. I'm not happy about that." She also dryly joked about the complicated "ass negotiations" behind ABCs apparently agonized decision to include a shot of her famously fit posterior in her pre-award clip package. "It took longer to negotiate whether I could show my ass in that trailer than it took to rehearse for my tour," she quipped.

Madonna proceeded to basically turn the Black Eyed Peas', who'd introduced her, into her personal assistant, handing him her "pretentious sunglasses" and saying, "It's good that I have Will here to hold all my props."

She then made a joke about her children rubbing her feet; declared, "I've got the best dancers, I'm sorry"; and finally thanked her fanbase, because "a showgirl needs her fans."

Madonna didn't even perform, but she upstaged many of the night's actual A-list performers. So all hail Her Madgesty, the Queen of the Billboard Awards...and the Queen of Shade.

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