Although it's been airing for 36 years, American Idol's produced only two legitimate stars: Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Since the premise of the show can in no way be flawed, we've decided to propose some fixes for this.
1. Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood need to enter the contest every year.
2. Influential music critic Dave DiMartino needs to publically retract his prior statements that the contestants are "clownheads."
3. American music listeners need to lower their standards just a little bit more, if such is possible.
These are good suggestions, readers, and would certainly help the sagging franchise. We're doing our part this week by featuring Kelly Clarkson's great, new tune, "People Like Us." It appears on her greatest hits album, the ambitiously-titled Greatest Hits, Chapter One. The song celebrates "eccentrics and outcasts," but the video makes precious little sense. We'd rather not dissect it but, instead, go straight to the captions, where we pretty much rock.
Enjoy the everythingness of it, and come back next week for what may well be the finest blog of all time!
1-- "But doctors, if our observations are correct, science is a corrupt ruse."
2 -- In this week's blog, we won't meet Kelly Clark's son! We won't even meet Kelly Clark's daughter! Instead. we'll meet the Kelly Clarkson of the Past!
3 -- The Kelly Clarkson of the Past didn't want to meet the Justin Guarini of the Past!
4- - "I'm not fat! You're fat!"
5-- "We need to know. If the Atlantean superhero, Aquaman, can control the fishes, what can the Nepalese superhero, Cat Man, do?"
6 -- 'She's invoking the demonic 'Power of 10!' Run!"
7 -- "By God, he's handsome, in a completely untrue way."
8 -- "The App That Corrects History now says my life was saved by a blood transfusion from Clive Davis! This is a dilemma!"
9 -- "Yes, Kelly of the Past... we of the future are a colorless, lackluster people."
10 -- "Congressional Republicans are trying to enter the White House to bargain in good faith! You go that way, agent! I'll deal with the cognitive dissonance!"
11 -- "DiMartino... still pantless??"
12 -- Just then, the dinosaurs stopped laughing about the giant meteor.