GWAR's Oderus Urungus Dishes on Broncos, Bruno Mars, and Other Super Bowl 48 Fun
URUNGUS: I don't know why I am a football fan...compared to the death games of Skargaulon, football is a pretty poor substitute. I just don't understand sports where you can't rip off the head of your opponent and shove it up his a**. And I especially don't understand this concept of a "Halftime Show." Doesn't this take away from the time that the players could be killing each other and feasting on their remains?
But, as an alien overlord marooned on Earth, I have to make do with what I have. And what I have is football…and what I have to do today is review the Super Bowl Halftime Show, even after getting brainlessly wasted at the GWAR Super Bowl Party, which was a lot more fun than the game or the halftime show combined!
There was a collective groan of "barf" when Bruno Mars was introduced as the headline artist for this year's Super Bowl, which is kinda weird considering that he has sold millions of records. Why did people groan/barf (Broan? Garf?) when this talented young man was announced? He is a multiplatinum-selling international pop star, and can also play the drums!
I'll tell ya why…BECAUSE HE SUCKS! Human football fans don't want confusing, derivative pop CRAP… they want rock 'n' roll! NFL fans are generally loutish, verbose, and tacky. The perfect target audience for GWAR!
Soon after the world (or at least a small part of it) expressed its outrage at how lame the NFL halftime show has gotten lately, by introducing a petition at change.org proposing that the most outrageous band in history (us) be invited to play the 2015 Super Bowl. Yeah, right! I happen to believe that every human being on the planet could sign that thing and GWAR would NEVER be invited to play to play the Super Bowl.
[Related: Bruno Mars Tackles Super Bowl Halftime]
Yet soon after, the NFL announced the addition of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a band that undisputedly put out a couple of ground-breaking records before Anthony Kiedis took off his shirt and ran up the beach in that stupid video, but at least they have Flea in the band, and Flea rules, and that was probably a run-on sentence. But around the GWAR Fortress, we hoped that maybe the #GWARbowl poll had something to do with the addition of some balls to the line-up.
Every vote adds to the cultural middle-finger the GWAR poll has become, and we are well past our goal of 50,000 signatures. The Peppers can still bring it, so maybe there was hope.
So I tried not to get too wasted and actually paid attention to the halftime show -- the one that WE will be playing next year, whether we get invited or not.
After watching the Broncos get their collective a**es kicked for a couple quarters, it was time for a few more stupid commercials, and then the legendary halftime show began! I was immediately bedazzled, then confused, by the intensity of the light show. I guess I had expected the Peppers to open with two or three numbers but quickly realized this had to be the domain of the headliner.