Remember Rihanna’s riveting “We Found Love” video with the Chris Brown-lookalike, car fight scene, drug binges and MTV VMAs Video of the Year award? It’s sooooo boring compared to Miley Cyrus’s “We Can’t Stop” video that premiered Wednesday.
Miley and friends literally let loose in the 3-minute house party clip that would be any parent’s worst nightmare.
See our breakdown of the moments:
1) House Arrest - When the video opens, a faceless Miley is shown using an over-sized pair of fuchsia scissors to cut off a house-arrest ankle bracelet. The wild party that ensues helps us deduce why her character was put under restriction in the first place. Too bad the cops don’t show up to shut this down.
2) Gangsta Grillz – Who would dare show up to a crunk fest without their gold fronts? Surely not Miley. As she gets dressed, she does make a comforting revelation. Her teeth accessories are removable, unlike Kanye West’s diamond-encrusted lower teeth.
3) Smoking Hot – I know there’s a symbolic reason why male and female extras in this video are filmed with smoke emanating from their nether regions. But I don’t want to know why. I’ve never seen a smoke machine defiled in this way. I guess I don’t get out enough.
4) Burning Bush – I love how the guy and girl come out of the bushes with their hair messed up and try their best to look expressionless as they exit in opposite directions. You guys are so busted.
5) Bread – Who is this bad boy in the jean vest who is so tough that he eats $100 sandwiches? And by $100 sandwiches I don’t mean that the popular lunch entree is expensive. I mean he is literally eating two pieces of white bread with a couple Benjamins in between. #brat
6) Want Fries With That? - Yes, there’s one shocking element in this video that is actually cool -- the French fry skeleton skull. This is genius. Next time my McDonalds fries go cold and nasty, I’ll be making one of these. A few scenes later … Wait, did someone just destroy the masterpiece by kicking it to shreds? OK. Now, I’m annoyed.
7) Back That Thang Up - Miley, I was willing to consider giving you a pass for pointing your rear towards the camera and shaking it so much. But, you have clearly abused this privilege. I now, hereby, invoke a moratorium on this activity for the rest of your videos this year.
8) Big Bear – Is there a such thing as cruelty to stuffed animals? The imagery of human-sized stuffed bears doing choreography to “We Can’t Stop” seemed cute at first, but when Miley shows up in a later sequence wearing a do-rag, sunglasses, skintight leotard and t-shirt, it doesn’t feel right. I’m reporting this now.
9) Twerk it Out – Miley’s twerking skills are advancing at an alarmingly fast rate as if she’s enlisted professional training. In just a few months, she’s gone from twerking by her lonesome in a onesie to shaking it on stage with Academy Award-winning Three 6 Mafia legend Juicy J to teaming up with real life homegirls “with the big butts.” Let’s hope a strip club tour is not in her future.
10) Beat It – If young adults are going to have a piñata at a party, it should come as no surprise that it won’t be filled with kiddie treats like candy and toys. But it’s not clear exactly what comes out when Miley smashes with a stick the yellow papier-mâché figure shaped like a bottle of – surprise – booze. It sorta looks like hot dogs until a member of the party, who resembles Snoop Dogg, holds one to his mouth like a cigarette and pretends to light it up. Hmmm.
11) I Kissed a Girl - Miley gropes numerous women in this video. But the one that concerns me is her pool scene with a Barbie doll. Not only does the former Disney star have a matching black sheer bathing suit with palm-tree pasties made for her inanimate friend, her suggestive kiss is likely enough to prompt a cease and desist order from toy manufacturer Mattel and possibly Nicki Minaj’s Barbz fan group.
Are we wrong for loving this video?
Screenshots and gifs: Erin Kim