'American Idol' in Minneapolis: This Is What It Sounds Like When Judges Cry

photo: Michael Becker/Fox

Minneapolis is a city with a rich and glorious musical history. It’s the hotbed that spawned Prince, the Replacements, Soul Asylum, Husker Du, Babes in Toyland, Semisonic, and of course, those original Uptown Funksters, Morris Day & The Time. But when American Idol headed to Minneapolis this Wednesday, the judges did NOT find the next Morris Day. Heck, they didn’t even find the next Jerome. It was the most disappointing episode of Season 14 so far.

The show opened with the comic fail of Jennifer Lopez, Harry Connick Jr., and Keith Urban getting trapped in their child-safety-locked SUV en route to the auditions. That was a bad omen. Or maybe it was a secret warning from a well-meaning production assistant. Really, the judges should’ve just stayed in that car and ordered the driver to head straight to the next audition city, New Orleans. Because in the course of Wednesday’s one-hour Minneapolis episode, they only found a couple truly golden-ticket-worthy singers.

To quote the above-mentioned Prince, this is what it sounds like when doves (or judges, or viewers) cry. It sure ain’t what it sounds like when doves sing. Anyway in the recap below, I’ve ranked the auditions of the night — from great to good, from meh to montaged. Here’s how it all went:

Mark Andrew – Fans of a certain other, higher-rated singing show may recognize this talented everyman. He was a Team Shakira recruit on Season 4 of The Voice, the landscaper-by-day rocker who went solo after his bandmate tragically died, the guy who wowed with his Blind Audition of “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” But then he lost in the Battle Rounds (and, to add insult to injury, he was montaged), so now he has moved on to Idol. Of course, on Wednesday’s Idol episode, absolutely no mention was made of Mark’s Voice past. But anyone discovering Mark now, via a YouTube search or what have you, would probably be shocked to learn that he didn’t go farther on The Voice. Mark showed his more lighthearted side doing a jazzy, Casey Abrams-esque cover of the Jungle Book ditty “I Wanna Be Like You,” and he was one of the few great hopes of the Minneapolis episode. The Voice's loss just might be Idol's gain.

Vanessa Andrea – This woman was a wild one, a real spitfire, full of personality… almost too much personality, or personalities, plural. Yes, one minute she was bubbly and goofy, cracking punny jokes about the judges’ song titles; the next, she was breaking down in sobs, gushing about her adoring, supportive soldier husband. The 25-year-old military wife and mother of three certainly made an impression, even before she sang, but then she rocked out an outlaw alt-country cover of “Some Kind of Wonderful” that was actually pretty wonderful (think Linda Ronstadt, Carlene Carter, Bonnie Raitt). “You guys might as well give up, ‘cause I’m the next American Idol,” she boasted. Well, I’m not so sure about that, but if she can keep her wild mood swings under control and funnel all that passion into her performances, Vanessa could make it pretty far on this show.

Aaron Bissell – This 17-year-old coffeehouse singer’s audition was weird and nervy and angsty, like maybe he’d imbibed way too much espresso at his local coffeehouse. And his bizarre voice was equal parts Billy Corgan and Cookie Monster. But at least Aaron was interesting. And on a fairly bland night, he was just the jolt of audio caffeine I needed.

Hannah Mrozak – This 16-year-old’s performance of Etta James’s “Something’s Got a Hold on Me” showcased a powerful and solid soul voice, especially for someone so young. But it wasn’t like we hadn’t seen auditions like this many times over the past Idol decade. Song selection will be key for Hanna going forward, if she expects to stand out in Hollywood. I have no idea what sort of artist she wants to be, and I wonder if she even knows.

Zach Johnson – Zach acted like a spazzy, high-fiving goofball, and he looked like a total slob in a straight-off-the-bedroom-floor hoodie. But then he crooned Keith Whitley’s “Don’t Close Your Eyes,” and surprisingly, he sounded like a radio-ready Nashville star. While the judges were suspicious of the fact that Zach sang in a Southern accent that sounded nothing like his speaking voice, a second, unaccented, less affected song convinced them that he was the real deal, and that sealed the deal. Zach needs a major makeover; sure, a stylist can help him choose snazzier outfits, but it’ll take an experienced vocal coach for him to break his bad singing habits and find his own authentic voice. But he has potential, and the fact that Keith recently invited Zach to sing with him onstage in concert is a good sign.

Shannon Berhiaume – A 17-year-old girl-next-door type (or girl-next-city, since she’s from St. Paul), Shannon seemed like the sort of contestant that Idol is supposed to be all about. She’d never performed professionally before (unlike the many ringers, plants, pros, and semi-pros we’ve already seen this season); she just seemed like a regular girl with a dream, much like the Kellys, Kellies, Carries, and Jordins of Idol yesteryear. But her “House of the Rising Sun” just sank. I’m not saying it was terrible; as Keith put it, there was some “raw talent” there, for sure. But it was too raw. She was literally screaming the song, eyes bugging out in a manic panic, to the point where her performance almost seemed like a Kristen Wiig SNL skit. But for some reason, Jennifer called Shannon a “crazy artist” (as opposed to just, you know, crazy). And Harry thought the unrehearsed, struggling vibe of her audition made her seem cool (instead of just, you know, unrehearsed and struggling). I don’t think Shannon seemed at all ready for prime time. Hollywood Week has been the ruin of many a poor girl, and gawd, I know Shannon will be one.

Cindy-Jo Schloer – Cindy-Jo has many diverse passions: hunting, teaching pre-school, and over-accessorizing. She’s also into oversinging, apparently. Her cover of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” was crazy indeed, very shouty and theatrical — so much so that J.Lo complained that Cindy-Jo lost the melody midway through. But oddly, Harry and Keith still said yes. Maybe they were afraid of saying no, since Cindy-Jo had just killed a bear the weekend before. But whatever the reason, Cindy-Jo and her suitcase of Bezdazler’d headbands and studded WWE belts will be heading to Hollywood soon.

Morgan Ovens – One of several montaged contestants, Morgan looked pretty and approachable during her smiley, strummy audition. But I could not get past her song choice, Alanis Morissette’s “Hand in My Pocket,” with all its lazy Mad Libs lyrics. I just hate that song, and it’s not exactly a great showcase for one’s vocal range, either. I had one hand in my pocket and another one on my remote control during Morgan’s brief segment.

Gabrielle Noe’l – Covering the Adele version of the Cure’s “Lovesong,” made so famous in Season 12 by future winner Candice Glover (in arguably one of the best performances in Idol history), didn’t exactly make Gabrielle stand out. There was no way she could top Candice (or Adele, for that matter). But no one could really hear her, anyway, since editors chose to run boring footage of J.Lo babbling about her pre-Fly Girl office job while poor Gabrielle sang in the muted background. This cruel edit is a sign that Gabrielle will likely be returning to her own day job soon enough.

Courtney Guns – Courtney Guns came out guns blazing, bizarrely and overenthusiastically invading the judges’ personal space during her too-close-for-comfort cover of Martina McBride’s “Independence Day.” But other than her boundary issues, nothing much else about this performance was very memorable. We’ve already seen many better country girls this season, so I think Courtney is just fodder.

Jacob Tolliver – Jacob is the understudy for the Jerry Lee Lewis role in the current Vegas production of Million Dollar Quartet. His cover of “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” was a very good impression of Jerry Lee Lewis, but come on, this isn’t Stars in Their Eyes or Sing Your Face Off or America’s Got Talent; Harry was right to tell him, “Mimicry is not going to win American Idol.” So then Jacob sang some Sam Smith, and it was AWFUL. Suffice to say, if there is ever a Vegas musical based on Sam Smith’s life, Jacob will not be the understudy. He won’t even be in the chorus line. I have no idea how this guy got three yeses from the Idol judges. Was Minneapolis really that bad, that a wannabe Jerry Lee was the best the show could come up with?

So there you have it. Sigh. Will Thursday’s New Orleans episode be more impressive? Well, even Big Easy native Harry has expressed disappointment over this year’s New Orleans talent… so, probably not. Oh well. Maybe Fox can just show a rerun of last week’s excellent New York City episode instead.

Parker out.

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