The Five Most Ridiculous Musical Numbers in ‘Grease 2’
Maxwell Caulfield and Michelle Pfeiffer in ‘Grease 2′ (Everett)
Fox’s Sunday night broadcast of Grease: Live — a spirited performance of the universally beloved musical about love and the transformative powers of Olivia Newton-John’s satin pants — was widely watched and largely well-received by audiences. In fact, it was so well-received that some suggested on Twitter that Fox’s next musical should be a live performance of the 1982 sequel Grease 2.
Related: Read Yahoo TV’s complete coverage of ‘Grease: Live’
Most of those people were joking. I think. Honestly, it’s hard to tell with Grease 2, because it’s one of those movies that is undeniably awful yet also — in its way — deeply beloved. Objectively speaking, a case can be made for its significance. The sequel takes place two years after the original Grease and follows a fresh pack of T-Birds and Pink Ladies along with new kid in school Michael (future Dynasty star Maxwell Caulfield), the British cousin of good girl Sandy. Grease 2 launched the career of Michelle Pfeiffer, who starred as Pink Lady cool girl Stephanie Zinone. It also marked the first theatrical feature for Pamela Segall, now known as Pamela Adlon, who later co-starred in Say Anything…, provided the voice for Bobby Hill on King of the Hill and currently produces and regularly appears on Louie. It featured one of Judy Garland’s daughters, Lorna Luft, in a song-and-dance show, and enabled us to see Rydell High favorites like Didi Conn, Eve Arden and Eddie Deezen (Eugene!) on the big screen again.
And yet, the truth is, Grease 2 is pretty terrible, so bad it made only $15 million at the box office and prompted Janet Maslin of the New York Times to write, in a review that praised Pfeiffer but little else: “The numbers in Grease 2 are so hopelessly insubstantial that the cast is forced to burst into melody about pastimes like bowling.”
Of course, to people who love Grease 2, its insubstantiality is its greatest attribute. Grease 2 lovers are so hopelessly devoted to the Max Caulfield version — which is obviously infinitely more enlightened than the original because it’s the guy who turns from nerd-to-hot this time instead of the girl — that some of them write Buzzfeed posts called “26 Reasons ‘Grease 2’ is Better Than ‘Grease’,” which should not be confused with previous Buzzfeed posts entitled, “16 Reasons ‘Grease 2’ is Better Than the Original.”
In short, Grease 2 is one of the all-time great so-bad-it’s-good movies. Which may not make it a great candidate for a live TV musical, but does provide plenty of fodder for a list of the top five utterly ridiculous and/or vaguely sexist musical numbers that appear in the movie.
5. “Score Tonight”
Janet Maslin does not tell lies: There is an entire song in this film about bowling, whose chorus goes, “We’re gonna sco-o-ore tonight/We’re gonna sco-o-ore toni-ight.” Like practically every song in Grease 2, it is mired in obvious double entendre. It also allows the cast to do intricate choreography involving bowling balls — something Paul Thomas Anderson simply did not have the guts to attempt in There Will Be Blood. As new T-Bird leader Johnny, Adrian Zmed tries so damn hard to swivel his hips Travolta-style that he nearly catapults himself right out of the frame.
4. “(Love Will) Turn Back the Hands of Time”
Michelle Pfeiffer is so sexy and awesome that she managed to emerge from this Rydell low not only unscathed, but also still seeming sexy and awesome. Unlike Newton-John’s Sandy, she’s a Grease heroine who has no problem standing up for herself. Which is why it’s pretty disappointing that one of the movie’s climactic romantic numbers — in which Pfeiffer’s Stephanie imagines reuniting with the motorcycle dream guy she wrongly believes is dead — looks like a gauzy outtake from Nicholas Sparks: The Musical!
3. “A Girl for All Seasons”
So there’s a talent show in Grease 2 and the Pink Ladies’ big contribution to it is this stupid, sexist song, in which they, and other Rydell ladies, represent all the seasons of the year by dressing up like Valentine’s Day leprechauns and wearing baseball mitts as hats. (None of these statements are inaccurate or exaggerations.) Michelle Pfeiffer even dresses up like a Christmas tree, which somehow she manages to pull off because she’s Michelle Pfeiffer. Know who would never, ever have dressed up like a Christmas tree or gotten anywhere near a talent show? Rizzo, that’s who.
2. “Reproduction”
My first sex education class, honestly, might have been this song, which has substitute teacher Mr. Stuart (played by legendary screen heartthrob Tab Hunter) attempting to explain plant reproduction, a lesson which pretty quickly devolves into a scene from Porky’s. What is most objectionable about this little number? The lyric, “Make my stamen go berzerk?” The recurring question: “Where does the pollen go?” The misogynistic line, “Because they change their minds when you get ‘em in the backseat?” Or is it the rabbit who is clearly participating in this number against his will?
1. “Let’s Do It For Our Country”
This is a wonderfully patriotic number about a T-Bird attempting to convince a Pink Lady to have sex by locking her in a bomb shelter and pretending there’s a nuclear war going on outside. This song is the worst. Yet I wonder: Why doesn’t anyone ever use this as the soundtrack for fireworks on the Fourth of July? Let’s do that this year, for our country. Our country wants us to.
