Stephen Colbert Offers Post-Trump Thanksgiving Survival Tips

The Hollywood Reporter

Stephen Colbert celebrated Thanksgiving eve with some advice for anyone visiting a politically charged home for the holidays. 

"Of course, some of us are happy with the results of the presidential election, while others are surviving on cupcakes and bourbon," Colbert said in Wednesday's monologue. 

On potentially uncomfortable Thanksgiving conversation, Colbert was hopeful. "Can we get through this?" he asked. "I believe we can, as long as we remember that blood is thicker than water and that blood doesn't come out of the linen tablecloth, so put the knife down." 

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"You have a family duty to treat your political opinion just like Grandma's Jello mold: Choke it down, and keep it down until the guests leave." 

Some of his pieces of advice for anyone visiting home for the first time since the election included adding some shaved Xanax to the pumpkin pie and cooking a second turkey for everyone to stab. Also: Create new things to talk about by deep-frying the turkey. "You can't talk about politics when you're busy battling the garage fire." 

"You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives - or, evidently, pick your president, thanks to the electoral college."  

Colbert addressed Trump's many businesses, which may cause conflict once he becomes commander in chief. 

"Of course, now that he's going to be the president, business cannot occupy all of Donald Trump's attention - he's got to save that for Twitter," said Colbert. 

Mocking his recent tweets about Saturday Night Live in which Trump said the show was "one-sided" and asked for "equal time for us," Colbert replied: "That's not how it works, buddy! You're going to be the president. That's the guy who gets made fun of. If you want to be somebody everybody loves, you should have run for ice cream man. It's a perfect job for someone who can dish it out but can't take it."

Watch the video below. 

Tonight! It's never too late to change your career. #LSSC

- The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) November 24, 2016

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