There have been countless how-to books published over the years about writing screenplays. Vendors on the streets of New York and L.A. sell "authentic" copies of famous scripts. Buzzfeed recently ran an article with professional advice from Richard Linklater, David Gordon Green and Nicole Holofcener, among others, on how to write an "awesome" movie.
We're here today to tell you to forget everything you've ever known or heard about writing a movie.
That's because we brought in writer-actors Casey Wilson and June Diane Raphael, who penned and star in the hilarious new beauty pageant-road trip comedy "Ass Backwards," to give it to us straight, no chasers.
You're welcome, aspiring Diablo Codys.
Among the many value tips dispense by Wilson ("Saturday Night Live," "Happy Endings") and Raphael ("NTSF:SD:SUV," Yahoo's own "Burning Love"):
--Describe the furniture in every scene.
--Write your screenplay with a gigantic purple crayon.
--When finished with your screenplay, print it out. Throw all of the pages up into the air, let them fall onto the floor, then pick them up in a random order and you've got your narrative structure. ("Don't ask questions.")
Also, an important tip that deals more with the distribution and financing, but is no less valuable: "Sleep with men" (but do make sure they have money first).
Watch the video above for more, or check out the trailer for "Ass Backwards," in theaters and on VOD now:
Follow Kevin Polowy on Twitter (@djkevlar)