From James Bond to 'The Equalizer,' We Rate Hollywood's Most Murderously Creative Good Guys

Equalizer Denzel Washington GIF
Equalizer Denzel Washington GIF

Warning: Spoilers aplenty!

Sometimes, killing the bad guys requires more than just heavy artillery and die-hard derring-do; it needs MacGyver-high levels of do-it-yourself ingenuity. Take Denzel Washington’s character in The Equalizer, which opens in theaters this weekend: As McCall, a retired special-ops officer who can’t escape his violent past, Washington manages to turn an entire hardware store into a full-fledged arsenal, creating on-the-fly weapons out of every product you can name, from paint cans to electrical wire.

But how do McCall’s creative kills rank among the action-movie antihero greats? Herewith, we grade some of the big-screen’s most ingenious assassins — the good guys who rely on a combination of brains and brawn in order to do their dirty work:

Live and Let Die (1973)

Live and Let Die James Bond Kananga GIF
Live and Let Die James Bond Kananga GIF

Killer: James Bond (Roger Moore).
Victim: Kananga, a.k.a. Mr. Big (Yaphet Kotto).
Methodology: During a scuffle in which both fighters are pulled underwater — with a huge shark swimming nearby, mind you! — Bond forces Kananga to ingest an inflation pellet. Kananga becomes buoyant and begins expanding, eventually rising out of the water like a balloon before finally exploding.
Difficulty (out of 5): 4. Fighting underwater’s hard enough. Throw in a shark, though, and suddenly you’ve got to concentrate on breathing and not getting chomped, all at once!
Plausibility (out of 5): 2. Being able to force-feed someone a pellet during a fight? That’s a hard pill to swallow, even if it is James Bond.
Bonus Bad-Catchphrase Points: 4. Bond’s waterlogged send-off — “He always did have an inflated opinion of himself” — is perfectly dry.
TOTAL POINTS: 10

Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow (1978)

Snake in the Eagles Shadow Jackie Chan GIF
Snake in the Eagles Shadow Jackie Chan GIF

Killer: An orphan named Chien Fu (Jackie Chan), who’s been adopted by leaders ata kung fu school.
Victim: A fighter from the school’s rival Eagle Claw clan.
Methodology: Realizing his Snake-style fighting — which involves positioning one’s arm in the shape of a snake — is no match for an Eagle Claw, Chien invents some new moves after watching his cat kill a cobra. Using a martial-arts-modified “cat scratch” to the face and groin, he miraculously offs his opponent.
Difficulty (out of 5): 2. The move looks laughably easy.
Plausibility (out of 5): 0.
Bonus Bad-Catchphrase Points: N/A There’s no talking allowed in kung fu!
TOTAL POINTS: 2

Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)

Lethal Weapon 2 nail gun Danny Glover GIF
Lethal Weapon 2 nail gun Danny Glover GIF

Killer: Detective Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover).
Victims: Two nameless assassins.
Methodology: When the would-be killers invade Murtaugh’s still-under-construction home, they fail to realize Murtaugh’s hiding with a nail gun — which he quickly uses to blast his foes.
Difficulty (out of 5): 3. Murtaugh not only has good aim, but he’s got eyes in the back of his head, offing one of his victims after he sneaks up behind him.
Plausibility (out of 5): 4.
Bonus Bad-Catchphrase Points: 5. His cheesily perfect send-off — “Nailed ‘em both” — is a highlight in a franchise full of posthumous groaners.
TOTAL POINTS: 12

Speed (1994)

Speed Keanu Reeves Dennis Hopper GIF
Speed Keanu Reeves Dennis Hopper GIF

Killer: Officer Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves).
Victim: Retired cop Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper).
Methodology: Payne and Traven are engaged in some heated high-speed fisticuffs while riding atop a moving subway. It appears Payne’s going to win — he even lets out a pre-emptive “I’m smarter than you” send-off — until Traven notices that Payne’s head is in the path of an upcoming transit signal. Our hero pushes up Payne’s head, which is promptly decapitated, and Tavern groans “But I’m taller“ as a withered, withering retort.
Difficulty (out of 5): 4. Trying to fight on a subway car without getting distracted by various rats, mutants, and/or ninja turtles is tough!
Plausibility (out of 5): 1. It’d be hard to throw many punches while trying to stay atop of high-speed train.
Bonus Bad-Catchphrase Points: 3 for “I’m taller.” It’s funny ‘cause it’s true!
TOTAL POINTS: 8

True Lies (1994)

True Lies Youre Fired Arnold Schwarzenegger GIF
True Lies Youre Fired Arnold Schwarzenegger GIF

Killer: Counter-terrorism agent and family man Harry Tasker (Arnold Schwarzenegger).
Victims: Terrorist Salim Abu Aziz (Art Malik) and his pals.
Methodology: Dangling from a missile attached to a moving plane piloted by Tasker, our terrorist clings to life. Tasker fires the missile, and off goes our villain, who flies through a cratered-out skyscraper, and heads directly into a chopper holding his evil colleagues. It’s the old “two birds with one stone” trick, Schwarzenegger-style.
Difficulty (out of 5): 2. As ingeniously simple as the move was, all it really required was a decent aim and a simple push of a button.
Plausibility (out of 5): 0. We love a James Cameron fever-dream action-sequence as much as anyone, but this move made Aliens seem realistic.
Bonus Bad-Catchphrase Points: 5. Schwarzenegger FTW: “You’re fired.”
TOTAL POINTS: 8

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Bourne Ultimatum Matt Damon GIF
Bourne Ultimatum Matt Damon GIF

Killer: Jason Bourne (Matt Damon).
Victim: Operation Blackbriar agent Desh (Joey Ansah).
Methodology: As Desh points his gun at Bourne’s ally Nicky (played by Julia Stiles), the amnesia-addled agent leaps in through a closed window. Glass flies everywhere, distracting Desh, and allowing Bourne to use a bevy of weapons — including a candlestick, a book, and a straight razor — to do him in.
Difficulty (out of 5): 5. It’s the most inventive use of a candlestick since Clue.
Plausibility (out of 5): For anyone else, it’d be a 2. But because it’s Bourne, such a complex kill seems totally reasonable, so we’ll go with 5.
Bonus Bad-Catchphrase Points: N/A. Bourne’s the strong, silent type.
TOTAL POINTS: 10

Image credits: Sony, United Artists, Cinematic, Warner Bros. 20th Century Fox, Universal Pictures