Your Souls Will Be Numbed by Two More ‘Transformers’ Movies

The Projector

The "Transformers" movies are the surest sign that we do not live on a benevolent, warm, empathetic, patience, happy planet. We think those movies destroy people's spirits to live. We think they are perhaps omens of impending cataclysm. In case you have forgotten our views on Michael Bay's "Transformers" movies -- particularly the last one, which was the "best" one, in that it was the most explicit and purest form of Bay's particular brand of spirit-crushing mania -- allow us to quote from our own review of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon:"

The first two "Transformers" films existed solely to assault the senses, but "Dark of the Moon" pulverizes them. My neck was sore, my legs shook, my synapses fried. If nothing else, Michael Bay knows how to take you on a ride. This ride is empty, brainless and quite possibly evil -- I am no expert in theology, but I'm pretty sure evil looks a lot like "Transformers 3" -- but you cannot say it is not a ride. This ride punches you in the face, shreds your frontal lobes and repeatedly kicks you in the groin, it sucks out any sort of soul you might have remaining and it should probably be regulated by the FDA or the ATF (not sure which), but it is certainly a ride. It honestly felt like I'd just done 15 rounds with vintage Tyson. Pregnant women are advised against seeing "Transformers 3," but then again, so is everybody. This film will make you feel like American entertainment is dead, spent, a vein no longer able to be tapped. It is nonstop sensation toward the ultimate, logical endpoint of death. Twelve hours after seeing the film, I am still mostly unable to feel my legs. Or love. Or hope. Anything, really. Also, I think the movie might have jarred loose one of my fillings.

In case you were wondering where we stood on the "Transformers" films.

So, as you'd probably suspect, we're just doing backflips over the news that not only are they making a fourth "Transformers" film, they're making a fifth one, and they're shooting them simultaneously. Our favorite quote from the Variety story says "screenwriter Ehren Kruger is said to have an idea for the next installments that the studio likes." Lemme guess: The idea involves robots fighting other robots. Good idea!

Shia LaBeouf, because he is a Serious Actor now, won't be involved anymore, and honestly, if they're not gonna update us on the thrilling ongoing saga of Sam Witwicky, jeez, what's the point?

'Transformers' 4 & 5 may shoot back-to-back [Variety]
Review: "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" [The Projector]