Just a few awards in, Sunday's Golden Globes (d)evolved into a full-on who-can-swear-more-contest between Elisabeth Moss or Jacqueline Bisset.
Let's recap: Moss dropped a "holy sh--" bomb after winning for "Top of the Lake." But the speech that really had us reeling comes from Bisset, whose work in "Dancing on the Edge" earned her a trophy for Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie.
It started with a really awkward silence, like she was leafing through a file cabinet in her brain, trying to find her words:
And when she did begin, it was fairly standard. The 69-year-old British beauty thanked the HFPA. She told us about being named "Promising Newcomer" by them 47 years ago. Then, stuff got weird. "You've nominated me about five times," she said. And that's true. Bisset was most recently nominated in 1999 for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV for her work in "Joan of Arc." No, she was not nominated for her awesome work in "Class" with Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy.
Anyway, the actress then gave a shout-out to "12 Years a Slave" nominee Chiwetel Ejiofor: "OK, Scottish background to the front! Where is Chiwetel? I need him for inspiration!" (Bisset's father was Scottish, FYI.)
Chiwetel gave a smile and a courtesy wave. Good sport.
Naturally, as her speech ran on, the musical cue started playing to signal she was out of time — but Bisset was just warming up. "I'm sorry, I'm going to get this together," she effused, before blurting out the four letter word that starts with the letter 's'. "I say like, my mother, what did she say, go to hell and don't come back."
It was then that the music volume took a serious upswing, as if the horns were literally going to knock her off the stage. But she went on, unperturbed: "My mother. ... However, however, however, if you want to look good, you have to forgive everybody. It is the best beauty treatment."
In no time at all there were no less than a zillion tweets about the strange speech, but this is one of our favorites because it calls back to another Unofficial Odd Speech Award Winner, "Nurse Jackie" star Merrit Wever's Emmy opus.
"That was a really bad speech" - Merritt Wever watching Jacqueline Bisset— billy eichner (@billyeichner) January 13, 2014
And our other favorite tweet comes from the author of the speech. (Wink, wink.) Good job, Ellen!
I helped write Jacqueline Bisset's speech. Did you like it?— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) January 13, 2014
Bisset's speech remained the gift that kept on giving through the ceremony. Say hello to Randy, Tina Fey's teenage son from a previous relationship and tonight's "Mr. Golden Globe." Anyhow, Randy, whose father is not Idris Elba (and who bears a startling resemblance to Amy Poehler), was not happy to be onstage. "Ma, I hate to be up here. Jacqueline Bisset's backstage bothering me."
"You could learn a lot from Jacqueline Bisset. She's a winner," Fey shot back.
"God, I hate you," Randy retorted. "Jacqueline Bisset hates you, too!"
That's some funny bleep.