The Empire responds to the White House’s rejection of proposed Death Star construction

Bryan Enk
Movie Talk

We should probably all be a little nervous about this. After all, look what happened to Alderaan.

A collective sigh was heard across the planet last Friday when the Obama Administration officially announced that it would not go forward with any plans to build a Death Star, the galactic superweapon that first appeared in "Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope" (1977). One of the reasons (excuses?) given was the cost of such an undertaking, which is estimated to be around $850 quadrillion -- though the main reason appears to be that, simply, the Administration "does not support blowing up planets."

The statement (titled, rather cleverly, "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For") came in response to a robust online petition via the new "We the People" program to build the space station, which as of January 11 had over 34,000 signatures.

The people of the United States can do little but accept the government's decision on this issue. The Galactic Empire, on the other hand ...

In an official response from the Imperial Center on Coruscant, the Empire has attributed the White House's final call to a lack of "enlightenment" on the part of President Obama (our "nation-state leader"), claiming such destructive power should indeed only be wielded by the likes of Emperor Palpatine. Even the Earth itself takes some punches as it's referred to as a "tiny, aggressive planet," a "primitive world" and, ultimately, "unimaginatively-named."

Whoa! Did we almost instigate a war with the Empire by somehow inadvertently challenging their superiority? Or did we indeed dodge their wrath by refusing to build a rival Death Star? We may never know how close we came to sharing Alderaan's fate.

The entire statement can be found below:

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. "It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire," said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. "Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine."

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

White House statement:

Empire's response: