DT Exclusive: Arsenal inquire about Real Madrid’s return policy
Mesut Ozil's arrival at Arsenal initially sparked renewed belief in the club and invigorated their supporters. But Ozil's underwhelming performances are starting to pile up, with his most recent disappointment coming when he failed to convert a penalty early in Arsenal's 2-0 loss to Bayern Munich in the first leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie and generally looked out of it for the rest of the match. Because of this, the club's most expensive signing ever has manager Arsene Wenger feeling a twinge of buyer's remorse.
The following is a transcript of Wenger's call to Real Madrid's customer service hotline.
RM Customer Service: Hello, I am Zinedine. Thank you for calling Real Madrid's customer service hotline. This call is being recorded for quality assurance. How may I help you?
Wenger: Zinedine? Is this Zinedine Zidane?
RMCS: No sir, my real name is Dave. How may I help you today?
Wenger: This is Arsene Wenger. I purchased a player from your club last summer and I was interested to know what your return policy was.
RMCS: Oh, I am very sorry Mr. Wenger, but we have a 30-day return policy, so I'm afraid if you purchased this player last summer it is no longer applicable.
Wenger: Well, the player is defective. He has no stamina, he doesn't applaud the fans after away matches — he's the only German to miss two penalties in the Champions League! Surely he must still be under warranty.
RMCS: Did you purchase the extended warranty for €1 extra, sir?
Wenger: No, everyone laughed at me the last time I tried that.
RMCS: Well then I'm afraid the warranty has expired, as well.
Wenger: I don't need the cash back. Can I just exchange the player for another one? Maybe a Jese or a, erm, Gareth Bale?
RMCS: I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that either. I can offer you store credit, though.
Wenger: So I can put the £42.5 million towards another player?
RMCS: No, but you can use it for anything in our club shop. You can buy a lot of Real Madrid cologne or golf towels for that much! Maybe some reminders of his time here will get your player performing better?
Wenger: No! I don't want cologne and golf towels! Do you see now, Dave?! This is why I don't like to spend massive amounts of money on one player! "Just buy a star and all your problems will go away," they said! Now everyone won't shut up about how disappointing he's been and there's umlauts everywhere and I can feel his giant, dead eyes staring at me when I sleep! There's no escaping them, Dave! I keep a Per Mertesacker cardboard cutout by my bed for protection.
RMCS: I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Wenger. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Wenger: Actually, perhaps there is. How about we call it even if you have the Real Madrid players tell the press how much better things are under Carlo Ancelotti than they were under Jose Mourinho and that Mourinho was a "specialist in being an insufferable dingleberry"?
RMCS: That would be our pleasure. I think that can be arranged.
Wenger: Well then I am satisfied. Thank you, Dave. It has to be that phrase exactly, though. "Specialist in being an insufferable dingleberry."
RMCS: Yes, I've got that. Thank you, Mr. Wenger. Have a nice day.
Wenger: Do you need me to spell dingleberry for you?