It’s finally here. The trailer for “The Canyons” has only confirmed our suspicion that this just might be the most awkward flick of the summer and for comeback-extraordinaire Lindsay Lohan.
[Related: Lindsay Lohan Filmography & Biography]
We’re not laughing, but we might as well be. The former child starlet has glued herself to the reputation of a struggling starlet shrouded in scandal and debauchery. With each of her comebacks—think “Glee,” “SNL,” “Ugly Betty,” and need we say, “Liz & Dick”—the joke has sadly been on her.
And as she steps it up in the big screen, she seems to be playing another reincarnation of the “Lindsay Lohan” reputation she has built over the years, a struggling starlet shrouded in scandal and debauchery, just this time alongside porn star James Deen, author Bret Easton Ellis and “Taxi Driver” director Paul Schrader—talk about a medley.
Behind the trailer’s mystery of glitz and dubstep, we haven’t heard too much about the film besides the audio of the “Mean Girls” star screaming at Deen to “do your f—king job.” TMZ.com confessed the tantrum of the drama queen in January. But worry no more, we watched the trailer for you and noted some moments that made us roll our eyes but still cross our fingers for LiLo’s comeback episode 100.
1. A so-so script: The first voice you hear is Lohan saying these riveting lines: “Ok, tell me something, do you really like movies? But really really like movies? When’s the last time you went to see a movie in a theater? Y’know a movie that you really thought meant something to you?” Ok, tell me you didn’t like “Despicable Me 2” or “Fast & Furious 6” or “The Hangover 3” or “Man of Steel” or “World War Z.” We don’t expect The Canyons to be a movie we really think means something to us.
2. Illogical editing: Cut from a scene with two men in an office, then a buff guy in a grocery store, then a middle-aged fellow in a sofa then a topless man in front of a blue light. If creating a compelling story through images was the goal, it didn’t happen through most of the trailer and especially there in that cloud of cuts.
3. Dubstep: Cool, a flamboyant effort at turning up the notch in hipness. Four for you, The Canyons, four for you.
4. Really showy text: The screengrab should speak for itself.
5. A text message: “He knows.” We never thought there was anything to hide, but thanks for letting us know that the cell-phone holder knows that his friend knows that some other guys know. And, if he’s going to hold a smart phone, c’mon, upgrade to an iPhone—Verizon must have a summer special going on.
6. James Deen: It’s a porn star in a feature film. All trailer viewers are imagining him naked when watching the trailer. Admit it.
7. Lindsay Lohan: It’s Lindsay Lohan finally taking a stab at the big screen. We can nearly guarantee all trailer viewers expect LiLo to be a scantily clad train wreck in real life. Well she’s not so different in the trailer either.