Julia Roberts and "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," congratulations. You snagged arguably surprising nominations as the field was unveiled Thursday for the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards.
But now here's who's actually going to win, in every category, across film and TV, according to our own knee-jerk reactions.
And, no, neither Roberts nor "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" is actually going to win. But it's an honor to be somewhat surprisingly nominated.
Drama: "12 Years a Slave." Globe voters are going to do the right thing, meaning they're going to vote for what they think Oscar voters are going to vote for.
Comedy-Musical: "The Wolf of Wall Street." Our gut is telling us the difference-maker is Globes favorite Leonardo DiCaprio. He's in "Wolf," he's not in "American Hustle."
[Related: Full List of 2014 Golden Globe Nominees]
Lead Actress, Drama: Cate Blanchett, "Blue Jasmine." But only because she's supposed to win. Otherwise, the Globes would totally let Kate Winslet win for whatever it is she's in again this time. (Jason Reitman's "Labor Day," as it turns out.) Not that the Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't love them some Blanchett, too, but...
Lead Actor, Drama: Can the Globes resist the chance to bring 77-year-old Robert Redford to the stage for "All Is Lost?" It won't be easy, but yes. Brit Chiwetel Ejifor will win for "12 Years a Slave."
Lead Actress, Comedy-Musical: We're going to label this the toughest acting category to call, with most of the nominees probably not headed for the Oscars, but here we go: Julia Louis-Drefyus ("Enough Said") will beat Meryl Streep ("August: Osage County"), give a killer speech (with a touching salute to the overlooked James Gandolfini) and remind award-watchers why the Globes can be a lot of fun.
Lead Actor, Comedy-Musical: Bruce Dern, "Nebraska." Not to hedge, but we would not at all be shocked to see DiCaprio take this category (for "Wolf of Wall Street"). But we're going with Dern, who's got an acclaimed performance, a body of work and booster Jack Nicholson all on his side.
Supporting Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, "American Hustle." We're not even going to check to see if this is considered a smart pick or not; we're just going to concentrate, "The Secret"-like, on making this happen. Lawrence should be on live TV as much as possible.
Supporting Actor: Michael Fassbender, "12 Years a Slave."
Director: Alfonso Cuarón, "Gravity."
Foreign-Language Film: "Blue Is the Warmest Color." Unlike you, the Hollywood Foreign Press probably has heard of (and seen) the other nominees. No matter, this buzz film will be the winner.
Animated Film: "Frozen."
Screenplay: "Philomena." For the record, this is not a crazy-town pick; just perhaps not an expected one. If the Globes had nominated "Gravity" here, we'd have been forced to go a more traditional route (and decide whether it or "12 Years a Slave" had more overall pull). But the Globes didn't nominate "Gravity" here, so hence the perhaps unexpected pick.
Original Score: "Gravity." We're going to bank on the fact that, one, "Gravity" is by far the biggest box-office hit among the nominees, and, two, John Williams ("The Book Thief") never wins, mostly.
Original Song: "Ordinary Love," from "Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom." Because there's no way U2's Bono is not going to not be tasked with making a speech about the late South African leader.
Comedy-Musical Series: "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" is kinda-sorta the show that Globe voters love (shiny! new!), but "Modern Family" will carry the day.
Drama Series: "Masters of Sex" is likewise kinda-sorta the show that Globe voters love (and with a Brit star, too!), but "Breaking Bad" will not be denied.
Lead Actress, Comedy-Musical: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "Veep." This'll be the warm-up act to her Streep takedown.
Lead Actor, Comedy-Musical: Michael J. Fox, "The Michael J. Fox Show."If there's anything the Hollywood Foreign Press loves more than Angelina Jolie, it's an old favorite returning with a new show.
Lead Actress, Drama: Kerry Washington, "Scandal." The Globes will relish getting Washington to the podium before the Emmys.
Lead Actor, Drama: We're going to say Bryan Cranston ("Breaking Bad") because we're supposed to, but we will not be surprised if James Spader ("The Blacklist") scores the so-called upset.
Miniseries or TV-Movie: "Behind the Candelabra."
Lead Actress, Miniseries or TV-Movie: Helena Bonham Carter, "Burton and Taylor."If Lindsay Lohan's Elizabeth Taylor (from 2012's "Liz & Dick") had been credible, she would've been nominated here last year.
Lead Actor, Miniseries or TV-Movie: Michael Douglas, "Behind the Candelabra."Please see the above Michael J. Fox item.
Supporting Actress: Jacqueline Bisset, "Dancing on the Edge." Sorry, Monica Potter ("Parenthood"), but Bisset's Bisset-ness and her vehicle's epic-ness (it's a period miniseries) will prevail over your tear-jerker storyline.
Supporting Actor: Jon Voight, "Ray Donovan."The problem with Aaron Paul ("Breaking Bad") is that he did not give Angelina Jolie unto the Hollywood Foreign Press.
The Globes will be divvied up Jan. 12 on NBC at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT.