Let's face it: Thor can get pretty much anything he wants.
He's got the strength of the Earth's military forces combined, the popular sex appeal of a Ryan Gosling-Tom Brady-Channing Tatum milkshake, a cool exotic accent (but come on, they also speak in vaguely British accents on Asgard? Where does it end?), a planetary throne as his birthright, and what's gotta be a massive trust fund. He's got a sweet hammer, hangs with an entourage that includes Iron Man and Captain America, and he can fly, too. Not to mention those golden locks.
Unlike Billy Crudup's Russell Hammond from "Almost Famous," Thor is literally a golden god. (It's all enough to get admirers over the fact that dude wears a red cape — and really, think about for a second — wearing a cape is kind of weird.)
Thor (as played by the strapping Chris Hemsworth in "Thor" and its new sequel, "Thor: The Dark World") is a virtuous, selfless type who uses these insane advantages over the rest of the universe's simpletons for nothing but good.
But as it becomes evident in "The Dark World," there's one place Thor gets it wrong: he's chasing the wrong woman.
Blasphemous? Maybe, but it needs to be said.
We watched passively as Thor meets-cute with astrophysicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) in the 2011 original, and their relationship throughout the film was somewhat restrained. But the attraction evolves to a whole new level in "The Dark World," as Jane is thrust into a central (and very typical) victim's role, and worse … Thor brings her home to meet the parents (Anthony Hopkins and Rene Russo).
Meanwhile, a centerfold-sexy Asgardian warrior and former childhood sweetheart of Thor's named Sif (Jaimie Alexander), who loyally follows him into any battle yet sits idly on the sidelines when it comes to his romantic affections, amps up her advances toward the Norse god in "TDW," and it's about time. At one point early on in the film, at a raging Asgardian after-party (to battle), Sif says to Thor something to the effect of, "Your nightly disappearances have not gone unnoticed." Translation: "You have an open invitation to my bedchamber." Thor refuses.
What in the The Dark World are you thinking, Thor?
Alexander's Sif is one of the fiercest, sexiest, sultriest women we've seen portrayed in a comic book or superhero movie yet. She's a minor character — she doesn't even get one of the five facial close-ups on the poster! — but she steals, no slaughters, every scene she appears in.
See, she follows him everywhere:
Oh, and this is what she'd look like as arm candy at a hot Asgardian red carpet premiere, Thor:
Of course it's not all about physical attributes. I think we can all admit Thorster has prettier hair than these two lovely ladies combined. And Natalie Portman is Hot. Always has been — OK, she was only adorable in "The Professional" and "Beautiful Girls" — always will be. [Pauses to head to YouTube for weekly viewing of her pink-haired striptease in "Closer."]
But as Jane, she is just so … plain. We've seen it before in superhero movies, and it could very well be a product of the writing leaving something to be desired. Maybe she'd be more intriguing if she were kept a nurse, like in many of the original comics.
You get the sense that Jane's idea of a good time is lounging on the couch with a wine spritzer watching The Science Channel, whereas Sif exudes the impression she'd like to do it in every room … of all nine realms.
And of course there are narrative reasons why Thor and Plain Jane must be an item. One of the ways "The Dark World" succeeds is because it's a uniting of good universal forces — humans and aliens — against evil. It wouldn't have quite the appeal if it were an all-alien affair (like, say, "The Green Lantern"). Thor and Jane could be like New York City Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio and his wife, Chirlaine McCray, bringing together the constituents of the galaxy (have you seen this adorable family?).
As you may have surmised, I am not a devout student of Thor's comic book origins, but rather an engaged appreciator of his cinematic adventures.
I understand that, based on the comics, there still very well could be a future for Thor and Sif. But the way Marvel's films are heading, it doesn't look like it's in the cards for Hemsworth and Alexander to hook up and make beautiful Asgardian super-babies. Maybe we'll have to wait for "The Amazing Thor" reboot in a few years.
All is not lost, however. There have been reports recently that Alexander could be up for a role as Wonder Woman in Zack Snyder's upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie. And I'm assuming that would finally, finally, FINALLY lead to a Wonder Woman vehicle. Holy Make That Happen Quick Please.
And hey, if Thor insists on sticking with Jane, maybe there's someone close to him who could pick up the slack.
After all, who wouldn't want to see Loki get lucky?
Watch Jaimie Alexander talk about her "dental floss" on "Thor" red carpet:
Follow Kevin Polowy on Twitter (@djkevlar).