'There is zero shame in pregnancy loss,’ Jill Knox Powell on finding strength after a heartbreaking stillbirth

Jill Knox Powell on infant loss, rainbow babies and how community helped her to heal.

Video Transcript

JILL KNOX POWELL: There is zero shame in pregnancy loss. Sharing often was very helpful for me because burying a child is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: Hey everyone. My name is Brittany Jones-Cooper and in this episode of Unmuted, I'm talking to Jill Knox Powell in a discussion about infant loss remembrance month. I read that you and your husband Keith tried for a baby for five years. Can you take me back to that experience and what your emotions were like during that time?

JILL KNOX POWELL: One of the things that's so interesting about infertility is so often it's unexplained. I went in to my OB when I was 31. They said you'll be pregnant in six months. Six months came and went, a year came and went. Finally, we were like, OK, nuclear option. IVF or bust.

We put in our best embryo, which was a boy. I got pregnant when I was 36 off the first try, which I know was so lucky. I was completely beside myself. I wanted to be a mom ever since I was little.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: So during your delivery with Greyson, when did you realize that something wasn't right?

JILL KNOX POWELL: Actually, I realized before I was delivering. I was 39 weeks and when I went from my last appointment, everything was fine. Heartbeat sounded great. Thursday was normal. Friday I was like, this kid's not moving very much.

I called my OB. He said drink something with caffeine, drink something with sugar. Wait and see how long it takes him to move. So I did that. I think he moved. I told myself he moved. So I didn't go to the hospital, which for a long time was a big regret. And then we went to the movies.

I just was sitting there going God, this kid is not active. We went home. I went to bed. I shot up out of bed in the middle of the night and I said, something's wrong. And we went to the hospital in the middle of the night. They did a scan and an ultrasound and they said they couldn't detect a heartbeat.

I looked at my husband like, did I do this? I blamed myself for a long time. They did an autopsy. My placenta just couldn't oxygenate him, so he suffocated. I thought maybe having a reason would make me feel better but it didn't. There is no answer that will satisfy the grief.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: The statistics do show that infant mortality is higher in the Black community. What did you learn about advocating for yourself and your babies during your pregnancies?

JILL KNOX POWELL: I learned that there are a lot of doctors that don't believe that racism exists in the medical industry. I've gone to many different facilities for various forms of pregnancy care and I have been dismissed without a thought because I expressed fear or emotion. And I've realized that in order to get care and be respected, I have to stay levelheaded and I need to stay in the room until I'm satisfied.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: So you and Keith did decide to try to have another baby. Tell me about your pregnancy with Dolan and your delivery experience with her.

JILL KNOX POWELL: Again, fairly uneventful pregnancy. Our plan was to deliver at 37 weeks, which is exactly term. And then at 36 weeks and four days she went into distress. I had a very scary emergency c-section. But she's here and she's everything. So many years had passed and we tried so hard and I finally got to be a mom.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: You welcomed your second son Satcher this summer. Did that bring up any different emotions for you?

JILL KNOX POWELL: I have the same worries about what Greyson's existence will do to their lives. We talk about him. I don't think we have overwhelmed them with his presence and the loss. We're all doing our best.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: What did this experience of loss teach you about your marriage?

JILL KNOX POWELL: I have a best husband in the world. I always knew we had a strong marriage. You always think you do. I'm so grateful to him because I don't think I would have made it.

BRITTANY JONES-COOPER: You don't know how strong you are until you're tested. So thank you for sharing your story. I know you're impacting others with your vulnerability.

JILL KNOX POWELL: Thank you for letting me talk about Greyson. Any opportunity to spread awareness is one that I will hop on to, so I appreciate you having me.