You'll Hate This, But I Recast The Kardashians As MCU Characters
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Since 2007, I've done nothing but consume content from my two favorite worlds — the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Each world is jam-packed with love-to-hate super-humans, unbelievable retcons, and the best outfits in any multiverse.
So, I decided that I must unite reality TV's mightiest heroes, the Kardashians, and decide who they would be in the Marvel Cinematic Universe once and for all.
Hulu / Via giphy.com
Marvel superheroes are from a different reality. The Kardashians are in the news every day for being detached from reality. They live in worlds so unbelievable that ordinary people like us can't wrap our heads around it. I genuinely believe they're the same people. I'm ready to die on this hill as a champion of truth and justice. I know I'm right and prepared to battle if you disagree.
VH1 / Via giphy.com
Let's play "if the Kardashians were characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe."
There might be a spoiler in here, depending on which rock you're living under.
"You're doing amazing, sweetie." —Kris
Like one-eyed Nick is to the MCU, Kris Jenner is the masterful matriarch and ring-leader of the Kardashian-Jenner clan. She not only gave birth to our favorite family of socialites, but she also helped build each of their successful careers as their momager. Every superhero might be stuck "discovering their potential" in Phase 1 if it wasn't for Nick Fury meddling in their lives. When Kris appeared in the after-credits sequence of Kim's infamous video, the future of the Kardashian reality TV universe blew up. It spawned 20 seasons of KUWTK, eight different spin-offs, and over a dozen companies/business ventures. Nobody can match that skill and those mommy commissions, except for Nick Fury.
"We all have to start somewhere, and doing something is better than nothing at all. Start small so you don't get discouraged and give up. Remember it is all about consistency." —Khloé
Our favorite Asgardian, Thor Odinson, was always part of the main crew. He is his family's witty, loyal defender — sometimes, to his demise. He had a rough start compared to the rest of the Avengers. Nobody wants to remember his first two films. The true fandom began after his miraculous comeback in Thor: Ragnarok when he reminded everyone who should win the "strongest Avenger" debate (I feel like it was a tie between him and Hulk). As the youngest of the Kardashian women, I felt like Khloé was always a supporting character. It was the dawn of a new era when our girl realized her true destiny wasn't to inherit the throne but make a name for herself across the galaxy.
"The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is." —Maria Hill
There's nothing wrong you can say about Maria Hill. Same for Kris Jenner's boo. Corey Gamble is a sweetheart and doesn't care about coming second to Kris Jenner's dynasty. Maria Hill is a loyal companion to Nick Fury and has had his back since the beginning. Maria got the rambunctious superheroes together, was snapped out of existence by Thanos' sausage fingers, and hid away from the real responsibilities on the moon. Corey is constantly gassing up his girlfriend's family or treating Jenner respectfully. It's an easy bar to rise above compared to the other people the Kardashians have dated in the past. We rockin' with Agent Hill because Agent Hill is rockin' with us.
"They really should put the warnings before this spell." —Dr. Strange
On a solo endeavor, I have pause about how Dr. Stephen Strange measures up to the other MCU heroes, but when he's part of the team — he's my favorite. He's a funny smart-ass who can deflect most verbal or physical attacks and knows when to exit. Kylie is the youngest of the first-generation siblings, but she didn't let that make her the most irrelevant. Seemingly out of nowhere, Kris Jenner opened up another portal to success. Kylie popped out like lip-fillers and became one of the most successful sisters with her multiverse of cosmetic lines. There will be a place for Kylie and Dr. Strange in the next phase. Hats off to Kylie for making a reputation for herself with her mom and older sisters' names.
"I just wanted a sister." —Nebula
Rob's doing the best he can. I have been rooting for Robert Kardashian Jr. since he was a teenager stumbling behind in his sisters' shadows. No matter how hard he tried to reinvent himself or take a turn as a family man, he could never grasp the magic of reality TV like the rest of his kinfolk. Life dealt Nebula a heavy hand of cards. Some can say it was her pride, jealousy of her sister, or diabolical parent who wanted to destroy the universe that put her in that position. I will continue to be in Rob and Nebula's corners because they're trying their best to keep up with the star-studded families.
"No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had 10 years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight." —Abomination
Abomination is an amalgamation of the most problematic qualities of any Marvel Cinematic Universe character. Tristan is like if you take all the baby daddy struggle traits of Kardashian-Jenner history and put them into one man. They're trying to bring Abomination and Tristan back into their respective universes. I can't forget all the atrocious things they did that made the Incredible Hulk look like a harmless teddy bear. A couple of poorly-timed jokes, special effects, and a new cameo is not enough to make me forget Abomination is an adjective and not just a nickname. Do better.
"Whose kitty litter did I just shit in?" —Deadpool
I'm throwing Brody Jenner a bone because I'm loyal to the first of the Kardashian-Jenners to master the world of reality TV. I followed his privileged journey since he bounced around California beaches with Lauren Conrad and Kristin Cavallari. Kendall and Kylie's older brother was nothing but drama in KUWTK. It's on-brand that he has a bone to pick because he's never really sure if he's part of the leading group like everyone else. Deadpool first appeared in the scene before an established MCU, and it was a terrible first impression. He managed a reasonably successful comeback but remained ousted from sharing a billboard with the MCU heavyweights. Justice for Brody and Deadpool.
“Thank God I have no friends." —Kourtney
Put some respect on these names. In the beginning, it was hard to trust where the MCU would take the storyline of the Sokovian villain. We held out long enough to see her genuinely desire nothing more than true love and a happy ending. She was ready to do whatever it took to make that vision a reality. If you mashed up most clips of Kourtney's exchanges over the last decades, she might come off as an entitled brat. Real Kourtney day ones, like myself, can read between the lines and realize all the bullshit she had to put up with over the years. Like the Scarlet Witch's journey in WandaVision, we witness the growth and endless layers of a once one-sided character. Kourtney's not just somebody's sister. She's a leading woman. I'm happy she's finally getting the attention she deserves.
"Humans are odd. They think order and chaos are somehow opposites and try to control what won't be. But there is grace in their failings. I think you missed that." —Vision
Did I make him Vision because it's Scarlet Witch's true love? Yes. Did I choose the vibranium synthezoid because he is an amalgamation of the greatest minds in the Marvel Cinematic Universe? 100 percent. I have been a Travis Barker fan since his mohawk days (I had a mohawk and pierced nose because of him). When my favorite Kardashian finally realized her destiny with one of my favorite musicians, the planets aligned, and everything was right in the world. Travis and Kourtney deserve each other. As a reality TV veteran, I think he can last a little longer than the rest of the testosterone floating in this mega family's orbit. In this universe, Scarlet Witch and Vision live happily ever after forever.
“Hurts, doesn’t it. Being lied to. Being told you’re one thing and then learning it’s all a fiction.” —Loki
Thor's little brother, the God of Mischief, was one of the only MCU villains that didn't die at the end of his debut. Loki kept making comeback after sneaky comeback to the point where eventually, the lines blurred between his true motives, becoming an unlikely hero. The Kardashian-Jenner clan more or less adopted Lord Disick into their family despite his constant failures with the mother of his children. Through it all, he retained a fandom of his own. It doesn't matter how they write their storylines. Loki and Scott are fan favorites and will always have a place amongst the greats of reality television, Marvel, and high-end clothing stores.
"You and I remember Budapest very differently." —Hawkeye
Somebody give Kendall Jenner a break. She made a name for herself outside the main event earlier than most of her siblings. Becoming a model at 13, she entered a world that her sisters, young and old, would eventually follow. Hawkeye receives so much hate compared to his MCU counterparts and keeps his cool despite the disrespect of never receiving a single blockbuster movie, unlike everyone else on the original team. These underdogs took a while to realize they couldn't save the world with their privilege. Now they've grown and become role models for the mediocre to aspire to become. Like Hawkeye, Kendall doesn't have to worry about a legacy of too many failed sequels or less exciting spin-offs.
Kris Jenner's grandbabies are the next Avengers!
"The fate of the future belongs to the children of heroes." Kris Jenner is a blessed grandmother with an entire legion of 11 multi-racial grandbabies (Mason, Penelope, Reign, North, Saint, Chicago, Psalm, True, Dream, Stormi, and the baby formerly known as Wolf), each with their growing personalities. They're the next generation of socialite fabulousness. We're already getting a taste of their star-power with the eldest children of mothers Kourtney and Kim. I can't wait to see what's in store for Phase 4 of the Kardashian-Jenner clan.
"No one dies on my watch." —Happy Hogan
Happy Hogan is the #1 ride or die of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, always standing close by ready to help out his best buddy and employer, Tony Stark. It doesn't matter that Tony is more intelligent, athletic, photogenic, and the main character of the entire franchise. Happy is happy to be a supporting character you can count on. Jonathan's been riding with Kim since the days of her Mark 1 armor in the first season of KUWTK, reading people to filth and gossiping for days. It never mattered that Jonathan wasn't the main attraction. He stole every scene and made obnoxiously arrogant an endearing trait.
"I'm exercising my blood right to challenge for the mantles of the King. And Black Panther." —Killmonger
Look. On principle, as a Black man, I have to credit Kanye West as one of the most influential artists of this millennium. In the same fashion as Killmonger, I initially focused on his struggle, triumphs, and birthright to the culture. I was close to following him into battle until someone let Kanye and Killmonger hold the mic two minutes too long. We learned real quick how far they're willing to take it if given too much power. Are they champions of the culture? Absolutely. Are they dangerous, unchecked egos that can spiral out of control at the drop of a brick of vibranium? 1,000 percent.
"I didn’t think I was going to have to save the world this summer. I know that makes me sound like a jerk, I just, I had this plan with this girl that I really like, and now it’s all ruined." —Peter Parker
There is a web of reasons why I'm giving the former SNL superstar the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Aside from the fact they share the same name, their respective ages make sense compared to the other superheroes. I think we all had the same collective reaction to finding out Kim and Pete were dating, like when we discovered Spider-Man was going to be in Civil War. Peter Parker can take down villains from any universe, whether they're threatening his life on Twitter or using genetically enhanced superpowers to toss people off bridges. I'm excited about the Petes' future with this group of larger-than-life characters.
“Get your f*cking ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.” —Kim
Nick Fury may be the one who brought the Avengers together. The unparalleled intelligence, star-power, and tactical skill of Tony Stark sealed the deal. Without Iron Man, there would be a bunch of super-humans running around with childhood trauma (like The Umbrella Academy). Kim Kardashian is one of the biggest celebrities in the world. She is the glue that holds the Kardashian-Jenner empire together when momager Kris pulls them in a million different directions. The TV personality knows how to slay a red carpet in a custom-made suit designed specifically for her curvy bodice. She learned to turn her star power into a vehicle for change and activism through trial and tribulation. Kim Kardashian changed the game.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe and the Kardashian-Jenners are a multiverse about which we know very little. Thanks to me, you know have what you need to save the world. But, before we go...
