I'm The "Side Chick" To A Guy In A Relationship With Someone Else — Should I Stay Or Leave?
Hello, world. My name's Stephen LaConte, and this is Hey Stephen — a cozy little corner of the internet where BuzzFeed readers like you can DM me for advice.
Today, we're hearing from this woman, who's currently the self-described "side chick" to a man in an open relationship with someone else. She sees him once or twice a week and enjoys her time with him, but she's starting to wonder whether this is the best arrangement for her. Here's what she wrote to me, via Instagram:
My reply...
I think all of these questions you're asking yourself right now boil down to a singular, simpler one: what do you want? And, not to abdicate my duties as an advice columnist here, but that's a question only you can answer! I can't tell you whether you should be content with what you have with this guy right now; it depends on whether what you have is fulfilling your needs. And I can't tell you whether to pursue these kinds of dating arrangements in the future; it depends on what your long-term dating goals look like. There's no objective "right" or "wrong" with any of this stuff. There's only what's right and wrong for you.
Of course, actually knowing what we want in life is usually easier said than done, and sometimes, we cloud our own thinking around it by asking ourselves different questions instead, like "What am I supposed to want?" or "What do others want for me?" Try to avoid that! Often, the things that will actually make us happy are different than what we once expected to want, what we were told to want growing up, or what our family and friends want for us. Heck, sometimes you can't know what you really want until it's put right in front of you. And this is where I think I can earn my paycheck as an advice columnist today: here are four questions to ask yourself next, to figure out what you really want out of your dating life moving forward.
#1. Are you happy on your own?
You see this guy once or twice a week, and you enjoy your time with him. But what about the other five to six days a week? Are you happy then, too? If so, great! Maybe part of the appeal of this whole arrangement is that it affords you time to be alone, and/or date around. Maybe, after getting out of a long-term marriage, you're relishing the freedom to do your own thing. But if you find yourself feeling sad, or lonely, or jealous in the days when you're not with this guy — if you're just abiding by his schedule, waiting for him to be available, because you don't want to lose him — then maybe this arrangement is doing you more harm than good. Ask yourself: is the time to yourself a feature, or a bug?
#2. What are you getting out of this?
In your DM, you express some surprise that this romance is still going strong after half a year — but can you put into words why it has? What are you gaining from this type of arrangement? Is it the aforementioned solo time? The no-strings-attached sex? The freedom to see other people? The opportunity to experience something wildly different than your past marriage? Try to put into words the reasons why you're still drawn to this so-called "side chick" role* six months later — it'll help you figure out whether it's something you should keep doing, or pump the brakes on.
*BTW, I hope you know that you don't actually need to call yourself a "side chick" here! I feel like that term usually implies cheating. Some ethically non-monogamous people might use a term like "secondary partner," or just a good old-fashioned "we're dating." But if you're using that "side chick" label because you like it, go for it.
#3. Is there anything you feel like you're missing out on right now?
You asked me whether this fling is holding you back from finding something more permanent. I think that's a good question to ask, but I'd follow it up with: "Do you want something more permanent?" This guy already has a girlfriend, so there are some limitations to how far your own romance with him can go. Those limitations aren't necessarily a bad thing, so long as you're being honest with yourself about them. Are you comfortable with the likely outcome that you'll never be this guy's primary partner? Maybe you're not looking for a full-blown relationship right now, in which case, your current setup could be ideal! On the flip side, if you do want a long-term, exclusive partner, you're obviously better off looking elsewhere.
And finally...
#4. What are you learning about yourself from all this?
You're moving out of state in a few months, and it sounds like that will bring this particular courtship to an end. So, ultimately, I think the best thing you could hope to gain from this experience would be information about yourself. What have you learned from the past six months of dating non-monogamously? And, conversely, what did you learn about yourself from being in an eleven-year marriage? You've now experienced two (presumably very different!) ways of being a romantic partner. Did one work better than the other? If you could take the best of both arrangements and build your own ideal relationship structure, what would it look like? You now have some data to work with here — use it! Good luck, and have fun.
That's all the advice I've got for today's DM'ers, folks. You can follow me on Instagram and Twitter @stephenlc. And if you happened to miss my last column, read on!
Last week, we had a two-for-one special — two problems to solve for the price of one click! Let's get right to it.
First, we've got this woman, who recently split from an extremely toxic guy after he refused for a year and a half to make things official. Within weeks of their split, he was dating someone new, and their relationship seems much more committed. Now our DM'er is wondering: why could he commit to this new girl, but not her? Is there something wrong with her? Here's what she wrote to me, via Instagram:
My reply...
The only "wrong" thing you're doing here is wasting another second of your life thinking about this terrible man. Let's look at the facts here: he was sneaking around with other women behind your back, he got someone pregnant and then bailed on the child, he was trying to launch an OnlyFans career without your knowledge, he'd tell you he didn't want a relationship and then say he loved you to keep you from leaving. I hope you know that you deserve so much better than what this guy was giving you. Any time spent wondering why he couldn't commit would be better used thanking your lucky stars that he didn't.
But since the mystery of it all is eating away at you, I'll offer one theory: is it possible that you were unwittingly the "other woman" to another relationship this dude was having? You mention that he was sneaking around with other women in your time together... but it kind of sounds like he was sneaking around with you, too. His secrecy about you, his refusal to post you on social media or introduce you to many people in his life, doesn't point to a flaw on your part. It points to something shady on his. Was he hiding you from a girlfriend (or multiple girlfriends) who couldn't know about you?
Of course, that's just a guess. And ultimately, I don't think the real reason matters much at this point, anyway. What would knowing it give you? You already have all the evidence you need that this dude is a complete clown, someone whose opinion of you should matter less than zero. Don't let your worth be determined by the worthless. Give yourself the respect you actually deserve, and you'll never have to settle for a guy like that again.
As for the new girlfriend, I don't think you should feel anything towards her except compassion and pity. Your ex might be in a new relationship, but he did not get new DNA. He's still the same toxic, sneaky person he's always been — now with a new person to inflict his damage on. I'm sure it hurts to see them looking happy on social media, but remember that that's just the public performance of their relationship. You don't know what's really going on behind the scenes. Actually, you probably do have some idea — and that's why you shouldn't envy her position one bit. Congratulations on freeing yourself from that man, and let's hope the new girl is soon to follow. I'm sure that she, like you, deserves better than him.
Next up, we've got this person, who's struggling with being the only liberal in an office full of conservatives. The owners of the business constantly interrogate our DM'er about their political beliefs and loudly spout off views that veer into conspiracy theories and hate speech. Here's what they wrote to me, via Instagram:
My reply...
No, you're not betraying the people you care about just by having awful bosses. So long as the business itself is not antithetical to your values (I'm assuming you're not working for some right-wing super PAC, or something), and provided you are not condoning your bosses' views when they're expressed in front of you, then you aren't doing anything wrong here. Sure, you could make the argument that by working for this company, you're helping to line the pockets of some truly vile people. But go up the ladder at so many companies, and you'll find some sort of mustache-twirling villain at the top. That's capitalism, baby! You've been through a long stretch of unemployment, you need to keep a roof over your head, and you're supporting a parent. As that cartoon by Matt Bors famously notes, you can want to improve society, but sometimes you still have to participate in it.
But while I'm not that concerned about your job's impact on the world at large, I am concerned about its impact on you. Your day-to-day reality in that office sounds really miserable. And let's be clear: what's happening here isn't just run-of-the-mill political disagreement. Yes, you might have to stomach your Republican bosses' occasional gripes about taxes or the deficit or whatever. But the conspiracy theories they choose to immerse themselves in are not legitimate political opinions, they are delusions, and it's deeply troubling that you're being asked to validate them or potentially risk losing your job. Likewise, the assertion that LGBTQ+ people are somehow dangerous to children is not a political viewpoint, it is hate speech, and the fact that you're being forced to engage with it might rise to the level of harassment. Ask a lawyer in your state.
If you're really determined to stay at this place, I think you need to clearly and explicitly push for two changes, ASAP. The first is an ask: can they use headphones when they want to listen to their radio shows? As the owners of the business, they don't technically have to heed that request, but it's a reasonable one that they'd be assholes to ignore. (Well, bigger assholes than they already are.) The second change is not an ask, it's an instruction: you will not engage in political conversations at work anymore, period. Moving forward, if they try to get into it with you, shut it down immediately with the absolute bare minimum amount of respect you need to not get fired. A simple, matter-of-fact "I'm not discussing that, sorry" is all you need to say. And the "sorry" is optional.
Will your bosses actually respect these new boundaries, and let you do your work in peace? Maybe not — they don't sound like the smartest or kindest people. Ultimately, you may need to get your head around the idea of dusting off your resume and doing that dreaded job hunt again. Yes, it can be a miserable process, but you might find that it's marginally less miserable than enduring these people for 40 hours a week for the rest of your life. Use this job right now to survive, but eventually, you might want to find one where you can actually thrive. Good luck. I'm rooting for you.
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THE FINE PRINT:
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