Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively

Stephanie Osmanski
·9 min read

Experts and parents reflect on the value of an apology.

When you were a child, did your parents apologize to you? Ever? Sure, the art of apologizing is taught to children through song and in schools—the four magic words being "please," "thank you," "you're welcome," and "I'm sorry"—but oftentimes, there isn't much emphasis for adults on why apologizing to your kids is important.

Many psychologists, behaviorists, therapists and even children-turned-parents themselves agree that to parent is to model behavior. If children don't see you apologizing—to your partner, friends, family members, and most crucially, to them—they may not only not apologize in their own lives, but may also have a harder time developing emotional skills like empathy, compassion, benevolence, forgiveness, and ultimately, kindness.

Why apologizing to your kids is important

Parents model behavior that children may imitate. If you are a parent who takes accountability, shows empathy, apologizes and also demonstrates forgiveness, experts agree your child is more likely to do the same.

Monkey see, monkey most likely do.

Parade consulted Kate O’Brien, a licensed therapist in New York, who specializes in emotional trauma, codependency and grief.

Related: Psychologists Explain How Commando Parenting Negatively Impacts Kids

"It may feel unnatural to apologize to your child, especially if this behavior was not modeled for you when you were a child," O'Brien tells Parade. "If this was your experience, you may have internalized messages about apologizing, like saying 'sorry' means you are weak, or [that] making mistakes is tied to shame."

O'Brien adds, "Remember that modeling this [apologetic] behavior helps kids also feel safer to apologize themselves."

Parade also spoke with Sarah Epstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas, Texas, and contributing writer for Psychology Today.

"Apologizing to your children shows them that you as a parent are willing to take responsibility when you lose your cool or do something hurtful," Epstein tells Parade. "When parents refuse to apologize, it shows the child that their parent is never willing to take responsibility simply because they are the parent. It erodes trust."

When trust is broken, it's usually the parent's job to put it back together again. Apologizing—Epstein postures—does just that.

"If you want your children to learn that it is important to apologize to others when they hurt them, model that," Epstein says. "You show them the behavior you want them to adopt."

When parents apologize to their children it can improve those children's social skills—help them make and keep friendships, cultivate empathy, and according to Child-Psych.org, increase their abilities to show remorse and forgiveness, rebuild trust and solve problems. Overall, it teaches children emotional intelligence.

Lauren Cook-McKay, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers, adds that apologizing is a part of gentle parenting.

"This aspect of gentle parenting reframes mistakes as simply being human, eliminating toxic expectations on children to be perfect and as knowledgable and aware as adults," Cook-McKay tells Parade. "When parents apologize to their kids, it shows the kids that even parents are capable of doing the wrong thing."

Cook-McKay adds, "This also helps children establish a more practical sense of self—that they are individuals that are not inferior to adults. This ultimately helps to build trust and communication between parents and kids and it can make it easier for kids to talk to their parents about things that are going on in their lives."

When should you apologize to a child?

Vered DeLeeuw, founder of Healthy Recipes Blog, may not be a child psychologist or behavioralist, but she distinctly remembers what it felt like to hear her father apologize.

"Whenever my dad felt that he went out of line, he would apologize. This mostly happened when he lost his temper and yelled at me instead of gently (and effectively) disciplining me," DeLeeuw says. "As a kid, I really admired that. It made me deeply respect him. So, if anyone worries that they'll lose their kids' respect if they apologize, I don't think that's the case at all."

Now that DeLeeuw is a parent, she has followed in her father's (apologetic) footsteps.

"With my own kids, as much as I try to parent them calmly, occasionally I, too, lose my temper and raise my voice... Whenever I feel that I wronged my kids, I make it a point to apologize, tell them I was wrong, and ask them to forgive me," DeLeeuw says. "In my experience, apologizing to your kids helps them feel respected, humanizes you, and in fact, helps them respect you and love you even more deeply."

So, when should you apologize to a child? How do you know if something warrants an apology? In Epstein's own words, anytime a parent loses their cool or hurts their child's feelings might indicate a moment worth apologizing for.

"Repairing an encounter involves apologizing," Epstein explains. "If a parent never apologizes, you risk that the hurts that have happened never get fully repaired. They fester and build up."

Ultimately though, parents should use their own discretion.

"Start small," Epstein suggests. Apologize for things that are minor to get yourself used to using the language of apologies."

Related: 7 Things To Do When You Apologize, Because There’s More to It Than Saying ‘I’m Sorry'

Should parents apologize if they hurt their kids emotionally?

Should you apologize for hurting feelings—children's feelings, that is? Most therapists and child behaviorists will tell you, yes—when a child's feelings are hurt by an adult, an apology from that adult will help repair the loss of trust and the relationship. It will also benefit kids' own emotional intelligence and future relationships in the long run.

Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist and international bestselling author of four books, including 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do, tells Parade, "When you apologize for losing your temper, going back on your word or missing something that was important to your child, you show them that people make mistakes in relationships and it's important to take responsibility. You also send a message that your behavior was unacceptable, so your kids will be less likely to repeat those behaviors."

Of course, it's still important to enforce rules, teach children the value of those rules, and discipline.

"Remember, there is space to acknowledge actions while still holding boundaries," O'Brien explains. "For example, if you yell at your child for misbehaving and later feel that the yelling was extreme, you can acknowledge that yelling may not have been the best choice in that moment. You can pair that with the fact that it is still important that your child respect the rules."

Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, LPC, LMHC, NCC, explains that tuning into a child's emotions is also key to knowing when to issue an apology.

"Let your child know that you realize you might have caused them to have sad feelings or mad feelings and that you wish it hadn't happened," Dr. Degges-White says. "Let them know you care about them and that you are sorry that you did or said something that upset them in that way. Let them know you understand how they're feeling, that you're sorry that your words or actions left them feeling that way, give them a brief explanation about what happened that caused your reaction, and let them know you'll try not to let it happen again."

Tips for how to apologize to your children

Adults who were not apologized to as children may potentially find it harder to apologize to their own kids once they become parents.

O'Brien says, "Hold compassion for that part of you that is struggling... [I]t can be important to remind yourself that apologizing takes strength and courage, and is a part of any healthy relationship. Perhaps start small and practice what it feels like apologizing to your kid before implementing it more fully."

Dr. Degges-White adds that it's important to use words appropriate for your child's age and developmental level so that they can understand.

Also crucial? Dr. Degges-White suggests ending strong with a message of apology: "'I'm sorry for the sadness I caused' or 'I apologize for not being there when I'd promised that I would.'"

More expert tips for how to apologize to your children

  • How to start: "Sit with your own feelings around what it brings up for you. Does it feel hard to apologize because you grew up learning that parents are always right? Does it feel hard because it brings up the pain of recalling that your parents never apologized to you?" Epstein says.

  • Phone a friend: "Get help! Do you have a friend who nails the language with their own children? Have a therapist who can help you walk through this? Lean on them. This is a new skill and will take time," Epstein adds.

  • Consider their feelings: "Ask if it’s ok to talk about what happened to practice respect for their space and autonomy. This also makes sure that they won't be forced to accept your apology when they don't feel safe or comfortable yet," Cook-McKay explains.

  • Understand why it happened and make them understand it too: "Without making excuses for yourself, you must be self-aware of your action and be vocal about wanting to correct your mistake, and/or make it better. Be honest and open with them. Let them know what you were feeling and why you said what you did," Cook-McKay says.

  • Apologize and take responsibility: "Say sorry and don't be defensive when you say it. Admit what you did wrong and acknowledge how it affected your children. This helps teach children that their feelings are valid and that it is safe for them to do the same," Cook-McKay adds.

  • Inform them of the actions you're taking to correct the mistake: "Inform them that you are willing to improve and will learn from what happened. You may also ask your child to provide you with tips on what behaviors, facial expressions or verbal cues you have to change so they feel safer and more comfortable with the way you behave or discipline them the next time a similar event takes place," Cook-McKay adds.

Next up, 125 quotes about parenting that will give you all the feelings.

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