What do you do if your therapist dies?
Last week, popular writer, speaker and podcaster Luvvie Ajayi made an upsetting announcement: her therapist had died.
“Yesterday, I found out my therapist died. And I am honestly stumped on how to even process it. Who helps you process the sudden death of the person who helps you process life?” Ajayi shared on Twitter. “Our next appointment was gonna be today. I’m stunned.”
The way Ajayi processed the death of Dr. P, or at least began the journey of processing it, was by writing about it. She wrote about her forthcoming book, laced with advice from Dr. P, that she was planning on surprising her with; she wrote about the terrible feeling of erasing all of their upcoming sessions from her calendar; she wrote about the very many A-Ha moments sparked by Dr. P throughout the four years Ajayi spent as her patient.
“How are you supposed to feel if your therapist passes away, and it’s unexpected? She’d probably tell me ‘there is no one way you’re SUPPOSED to feel. Tell me how do you actually feel?’” Ajayi asked.
Yesterday, I found out my therapist died. And I am honestly stumped on how to even process it.
Who helps you process the sudden death of the person who helps you process life?
Our next appointment was gonna be today.
I'm stunned. So I wrote.https://t.co/ASsFFThsM5— Luvvie is the #ProfessionalTroublemaker (@Luvvie) January 13, 2021
Ajayi’s story resonated with many — some commenters shared how they felt when their own therapists had died, others were alarmed that they had never before considered how they would cope in a similar situation. There were repeated mentions of the LCD Soundsystem song “Someone Great” written by James Murphy about, rumor has it, the death of his own therapist. “I wish that we could talk about it,” the song begins.
For most of the commenters, Ajayi’s central question was a profound one: How do you process the death of a therapist? The answer must begin with understanding why we often don’t think of our therapists as mortal in the same way we are.
“It is a bit weird to say this, but despite being very much human beings in the room with a person, therapists try very hard not to take up space in the room with a person to distract from their healing,” Dr. Jessi Gold, a psychiatrist at Washington University in St. Louis, tells Yahoo Life. “So, while the therapist is very much there, and very much a human being, they can feel like not actual human beings because they don't take up much space and you don't know much about them and they don't cry, or feel as much as you do. But, death is about as human as it gets.” Dr. Gold calls this a cognitive dissonance; with many viewing the therapist more as a comfort tool than a person, almost superhuman. If they die their personhood is suddenly front and center.
Tarra Bates-Duford a forensic psychologist adds, “For many patients, the relationship between patient and therapist was the first relationship that the patient felt accepted without restriction. When you develop a connection with your therapist that unconditional acceptance it can be hard to fathom that he or she will not be around to provide that acceptance and support.”
But what about the emotionally coping element? How should people move forward if this terrible event occurs? According to Dr. Gold, the first thing to do is grieve. “You should find a way that feels right to you to memorialize and process the relationship. It might mean you talk about it with someone else who knows you went to therapy and knows what the relationship meant to you and feels safe to process the loss with. It might mean you write it down in a journal or a card like a note you would send your therapist to thank them if they could read it. It might mean you choose to honor them in some other way that feels right to say goodbye to you.”
Bates-Duford also stresses that many might view finding a new therapist as a form of betrayal to the deceased, but they need to let that mindset go and continue the work they started with the previous therapist. Knowing that that’s OK will hopefully help people feel less alone.
From the vantage point of the therapist, preparing for death is part of the job. According to principals and codes of conduct put forward by the American Psychological Association, psychologists must plan in advance for how to facilitate services for patients “in the event that psychological services are interrupted by factors such as the psychologist’s illness, death, unavailability, relocation or retirement.”
“I encourage my patients to think about and plan what they want for their lives if and when I am no longer around,” notes Bates-Duford. “In the event I am diagnosed with a terminal illness I am obligated to inform my patients, preparing them for the change.”
All that said, there is really no way to fully prepare for an unexpected death, as was the case in Ajayi’s situation, but perhaps some of the tools learned with the therapist can help people through the moment. “Therapy is supposed to have an end date. You are supposed to internalize what your therapist teaches you, learn skills and become your own therapist to the point that you carry them with you in some way,” Dr. Gold says. “It can feel like a huge loss if they are not there telling you what to do or processing with you in the moment, but you can pause and say, ‘What would they say or what would they tell me to do?’ That is what therapy teaches you and you can become your own therapist from there.”
“Obviously, if you end therapy abruptly before you are ready you might still have a good deal of work to do and you might still need a new, different therapist. But in the meantime, all is not lost. You can build on the foundation of what you learned and use that to sustain you in the interim.”
“Death is a normal part of life, patients need to be aware just because their therapist has died growth should continue,” Dr. Bates-Duford says. “One of the key topics covered in therapy is resiliency, ability to adapt and adjust to change. Consider this as one of the unexpected changes that we all must encounter in life.”
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