"We Can't Stand You" and Other Confessions of a B&B Owner

Ever wonder what goes on behind those pretty shutters? Here’s a peek. (Photo: Thinkstock)

Plenty of people dream about quitting their day job, buying that fixer-upper farmhouse, and opening a bed-and-breakfast. Those B&B owners seem so happy. Well, everything isn’t quite as idyllic as it seems. We got one set of innkeepers — “Bob and Emily” — to anonymously spill the beans on what really happens behind those perfectly painted shutters.

Here are 12 things you probably don’t want to know the next time you check into that quaint country B&B and gaze upon the smiling faces of the charming owners.

1. We love it when you leave. We do a happy dance when you check out because we have our home to ourselves again. The closest we can come to explaining what we do to an outsider is that it’s like having your third cousin’s family stay in your house for a weekend. Multiply that times the number of rooms we rent and again by the number of nights each year that we have guests and you can start to understand our deep desire for people to bug off.

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2. We used to be really nice people, now most of the time we are faking it. Things like doggy diarrhea in a pet-free room and flash-mob parties on our front lawn sucked most of the nice out of us years ago. We’re still capable of being pleasant, but we hold the good stuff back for family, friends, and guests who have previously proven themselves to be decent human beings. Our mantra is “send money; stay home.” If we could get you to do that we’d probably be a lot nicer.

3. Those homemade goodies aren’t exactly homemade. The cookies and cinnamon rolls you rave about? They’re fake too. We bake them from frozen dough and top them with store-bought icing. Funny how everything tastes better when you’re on vacation, huh? The quilts on the beds? Made in China. And no matter how fanatical we are about cleanliness, there’s not a chance in the world that the quilts are getting washed more than four times a year. You should pull off your quilt and put it on the luggage rack.

You really don’t want to sleep under that quilt. (Photo: Thinkstock)

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4. We can only fake it for so long. We have learned to smile at your chatty children and deal with your midnight calls about the Wi-Fi passcode that you could have found in the guestbook in your room. Our primary coping mechanism is a long list of rules. Love ‘em or leave. The rules are actually to protect you from yourself. It’s been our experience that you may be too stupid to realize that you shouldn’t light a fire on top of an electric range. And for heaven’s sake don’t rush home and write a nasty online review because we enforced rules that you should have known about before you ever booked a room.

5. We are armed. You don’t really think we would allow strangers into our home and not have a weapon to defend ourselves do you? We’ve only pointed a gun at a guest once, but we know a fellow lodging owner who shot a guest’s car. Don’t push your luck.

You don’t want to mess with us. (Photo: Thinkstock)

6. We know you’re lying. We have incredible BS detectors. Say, “Um…well,” when we ask how many rooms are in your party and we are not renting you a room for two under any circumstances. Your kids are well behaved? Sure they are. Your yapping Yorkie in a pink tutu is a service animal? Right.

7. We stalk you a little. We aren’t creeps; we’re curious about what other people do for a living, especially those who will be sharing our home. Insider tip: If you’re the pastor of a church with a website that includes photos of your blonde wife, but plan to check into a Jacuzzi suite with the red-headed church secretary, get a new email account before you make the reservation.

8. Sometimes we stalk you a lot. If you give us any reason to doubt your story, we do some more research. This isn’t creepy, either; it’s security. You’d be amazed what is easily found online. Start breaking rules or set off our BS detector and we’ll know what your house looks like, where you partied last weekend, and maybe even how long you’ve been at your current job.

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9. We are judging you. After you leave we rate you on a scale from one to five. A rating of one or two guarantees no availability the next time you call. Five gets you on the Christmas card list. Things that get you a bad rating: loud sex, outdoor sex, BBQ ribs on the floor, or singing in a foreign language at two in the morning.

10. We talk about you. We entertain family and friends with tales of your idiocy. So dancing naked outside while singing in Russian, followed or preceded by a romp in the bushes actually does make you the hit of the party.

We regale our dinner party companions with tales of your idiocy. (Photo: Thinkstock)

11. We get REALLY tired of things you leave behind. Your phone chargers? Ebay. Sneakers, swimsuits, or pink bras? Trash. We get most annoyed when we have to get rubber gloves and tongs to pick up sex toys you leave in and under the bed. Take your sex toys home with you!

12. We give perks, which you don’t get until you impress us. We aren’t an airline; this is less about you being a frequent guest and more about you treating us and our home with a measure of respect. Free cookies, free nights, upgrades, free boat rentals are yours for the taking — when you play nice.

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