Can I wash my hair with Dr. Bronner’s new vegan chocolate bar?

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David Bronner, President of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps, standing with soap bottles
David Bronner, President of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps, standing with soap bottles


David Bronner, President of Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps

Forget Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader: a bottle of Dr. Bronner’s Magic Pure-Castile Liquid Soap will sustain me through even the most arduous of restroom excursions. You know the soap I’m talking about. It’s in a brightly-colored bottle, and it’s wrapped in a label featuring tiny, tiny text with truly baffling messages such as:

  • “In all we do, let us be generous, fair & loving to Spaceship Earth and all its inhabitants. For we’re All-One or None!”

  • “Conditions will improve when we improve if you and I cooperate by full truth to accomplish them!”

  • “Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One! Exceptions? None!”

I mean, what’s better than that? Dr. Bronner is the James Joyce of the toiletries industry—and now, the soap company will release Dr. Bronner’s Magic All-One Chocolate, as reported by VegNews.

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The vegan chocolate candy bar line will appear at retailers nationwide starting August 1, made with fair-trade chocolate and available in six flavors including Roasted Whole Hazelnuts, Crunchy Hazelnut Butter, and Smooth Coconut Praline. The new bars reportedly contain 70% dark chocolate, which is sourced from “regenerative organic cocoa beans” grown by the very same farmers in eastern Ghana who supply the organic and fair-trade palm oil Dr. Bronner’s uses for its soaps.

The vegan, fair-trade chocolate is a logical next step for Dr. Bronner’s, an eco-focused company that, according to the brand’s website, regularly donates profits to environmental charities. My only question: how the heck are they gonna fit all those tiny, baffling soap label messages onto a chocolate bar wrapper?