I Watched Every "Breaking Bad" Finale For The First Time — And I Have Some OPINIONS
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Alright Bad Boys (that's what I assume Breaking Bad fans are called), here's the skinny: I've never seen this show before, and I don't have a long enough attention span to watch every episode. Thankfully, there are five action-packed season finales just waiting to bring me up to speed. So let's do this!!!
Here's how this will work: I'm going to watch every season finale and nothing else. After each episode, I'll give you my thoughts and attempt to fill in the blanks about what else happened in the season leading up to the finale.
Everything I know about Breaking Bad going into the Season 1 finale:
- It's a show about Malcolm in the Middle's dad. He is a man with cancer who makes and/or sells meth. He is one of TV's favorite antiheros.
- It got a lot of Emmys.
- There's a man named Saul, and you better call him! (*pause for laughter*)
- Everyone online seems to hate the woman character, whose name I do not know.
🚨🚨🚨 SPOILER ALERT 🚨🚨🚨
Broadway Video / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
Before you continue, please keep in mind that I will be spoiling some plot points and wildly speculating about other plots throughout the show's five seasons. Don't get mad at me if I ruin the ending for you. (But feel free to get mad if I talk shit about your favorite characters, because that will 100% happen at some point!)
Let the viewing commence!
Season 1, Episode 7: "A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal"
Right off the bat, this made me laugh. We stan a self-aware show!!!
Also, this show is very dark. Literally, and probably figuratively. I will need to lighten these images up later, which I resent very much. -1 point to Breaking Bad for this minor inconvenience.
UMMM, these tables don't have backs. Everyone can see you!!! Also ma'am he's been rubbing your thigh for two seconds and isn't even under the skirt yet. If that's all it takes to make you moan, I don't want to be anywhere near you when a light breeze goes by.
Don't involve unconsenting bystanders in your exhibition kink, even if they're all rich and intolerable.
How do these two men know each other? My top guesses: Walt sold Jesse some old furniture on Craigslist, Walt is Jesse's former boss, or they took an improv class together.
Walt promised Tuco four pounds of meth. Not to sound like a narc, but that's too much meth.
If someone figured out how to bottle up this very annoying woman's bountiful energy and sell it, they wouldn't need the meth.
Her name is Marie, and she is my nemesis.
Also, Marie got the baby a tiara. I cannot express to you how far into outer space I would launch someone who gave me a tiara at a baby shower.
Wait, so not only is the tiara impractical — it's also STOLEN. Marie sucks the absolute most.
I know I'm supposed to be here for the meth of it all, but I'm honestly more interested in this tiara plot at the moment.
Everyone say hi to my new sleep paralysis demons!
These two boneheads fight like a married couple.
All those people who tweeted about how much they hated Skyler should have aimed that ire at Marie, because she's back and she is still the worst person on a show about making meth!!!
Why does literally every man over a certain age have this jacket???
I'm out here asking the real questions. Come back next week when I investigate why every mom carries almonds in her purse.
Tuco beat the crap out of one of his men because Walt's blue meth is incredibly potent, but I still laughed during this scene because Walt truly looks like he's doing bad Groucho Marx-meets-Charlie Chaplin cosplay.
I bet these looks took the Halloween costume industry by storm in 2008, but I don't remember because I was focusing all my energy that year into making my alarmingly detailed Joe the Plumber costume*.
*I was a very cool and normal high schooler.
Season 1 recap time!
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Episode notes:
- I liked the episode! It was kind of slow at first but it picked up.
- Jesse called all of the people at his open house bitches (who among us?), and I'm starting to remember that whole "bitch" thing was a meme at one point.
- That guy with the Cuban cigars looks like a cop. Is he a cop? Probably. Got bad vibes, and I think he's Marie's husband which obviously says a lot about his character.
- Sorry if my INTENSE preoccupation with Marie bothered you; she's just a star in the making and I hate her with every fiber of my being.
Here's what I think happened in the rest of Season 1:
- Walt got cancer. Possibly from all the meth he was cooking? Or maybe the meth is a money thing to pay for cancer. Or maybe they're unrelated.
- Skyler is pregnant, but not with Walt's baby. (The doctor/therapist guy mentioned something about Walt's boys not swimming due to chemo.)
- Walt and Jesse met when Walt sold him meth. Jesse probably already sold drugs and was a good person to team up with.
- Jesse didn't pay Tuco so Tuco shot him. Or stabbed him. Or both.
- Marie was probably hanging around somewhere being deeply obnoxious, aka her M.O.
Season 2, Episode 13: "ABQ"
Starting off strong with a creepy-ass black and white eye floating in a pool (as loose eyes are wont to do) and sirens wailing in the background. Oh, and this absolute nightmare of a stuffed animal gets pulled out of the pool and put in an evidence bag? And then there are two body bags?! Please tell me one of them isn't Marie.
Oh shit, did Jesse kill Krysten Ritter?
Who is she and how did she die?
Jesse called Walt in a panic and Walt said, "Sit tight, I know who to call." Do I sense a SAUL intro soon?
Who the hell is this jabroni??? "Saul Goodman sent me." OK fine, but Walt can't say he knows who to call and not IMMEDIATELY cut to Saul! That's false advertising, and I'll see you in court (represented by Saul Goodman).
Remember when every website looked this bad, so you didn't automatically assume it was a virus?
Walt's son is the absolute sweetest and I want him to thrive in life.
Star Trek Alert!!! Q really is everywhere, I guess.
Excited to watch the newest Star Trek x Breaking Bad crossover series, Star Trek: The Trial of Walter White.
OK, well now I'm sobbing. I simply cannot handle when good actors play grieving parents.
THIS IS WHY I ONLY WATCH SITCOMS!!!
Everyone seems to be fundraising for Walt's mystery surgery, so I guess the cancer is getting worse?
I'm not going to show a pic of the drug den Walt visits. Instead, you're going to hear this quick spiel about how this country's treatment of addicts is horrendous, and police funding should go towards treatment, housing, and healthcare for everyone who needs it.
MGM Television / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
🚨 We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming To Bring You This Very Important Message: the baby yawned. 🚨
Now back to the show.
"Lingering on things doesn't help." —Walt, a man who would benefit tremendously from lingering on some things
Yessss! The queen of chaos has arrived, and she's making a mess of everything as usual. She's terrible. I love her.
If there was a Real Housewives of Albuquerque, I'm positive Marie could turn any event, no matter how mundane, into a drink-throwing nightmare in ten minutes flat.
I love that Skyler just became a crazed detective here. If she started a true crime podcast back in 2009 she would've been a millionaire by now.
I get how the show frames it so we're supposed to hate her for leaving, but I'm still team Skyler in all of this.
Season 2 recap time!
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Episode notes:
- The second half of this episode was really good. I think I officially like this show now and kinda wish I could watch the next episode, but I'm committed to this viewing experiment for SCIENCE.
- This episode's Jesse/John de Lancie plot was devastating.
- I'm very confused by the pacing of these finales so far. They seem so... unrushed. Which I guess is what TV was like 15 years ago, but I kind of forgot what it was like to watch an episode of TV that doesn't feel urgent.
- Thank you to the person in production/lighting/whatever who was like "maybe we should actually let people see what's happening on the screen this season — you know, as a goof!" You're a hero and you deserve the world.
- Blue Sky is a great name for meth. A+
- Classic storytelling strategy to make Walt's brother-in-law the guy who's chasing his meth operation. Love that.
- Still don't understand why everyone hates Skyler.
- Not enough Marie.
Here's what I think happened in the rest of Season 2:
- Skyler had the baby from last season.
- Walt's cancer got much worse and he needed life-saving surgery.
- I didn't see Tuco anywhere, so something must've happened to him to end their lil business partnership. Maybe a cartel bust? Or an OD?
- I guess they had to move the whole meth operation to the surrounding states?
- Krysten Ritter was probably Jesse's girlfriend.
Season 3, Episode 13: "Full Measure"
I love when shows try to make actors look decades younger in flashback scenes.
Nice to see Walt upgrade the location of his drug meetups since Season 1.
Oh shit, it's the guy who visited Hank's office in the Season 2 finale! Didn't he like... make candy or chicken or something? What's he doing here?!
This guy apparently ordered the murder of an 11-year-old boy?! Personally — and this is just me — I'm not a fan of child killers. It's a weird little quirk of mine.
This whole watching-season-finales-and-nothing-else thing has been one long exercise in muttering "now who's THIS fuckin' guy" under my breath for five hours straight.
Speaking of which...now who's THIS fuckin' guy?!
Finally, a guy I recognize!
I already love Saul.
When my life is being threatened by a drug kingpin, I, too, visit the local arcade for a few quick rounds of laser tag.
See, this is exactly why I don't drink tea — so the whistle of a kettle won't drown out the sound of my phone when someone calls to warn me that the sidekick of the meth-making chemist they want to kill is on his way to kill me because I'm the only chemist who could replace him.
We've all been there.
Season 3 recap time!
Sony Pictures Television / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
Episode notes:
- The baby remains very cute.
- Literally not a single Marie sighting. An absolute travesty, from which this show will never recover.
- Somehow the pacing still felt very slow even though I think more happened this episode. I liked it though!
- The camerawork was cool. Lots of interesting shots and angles.
- I remain unconvinced that getting into the meth trade is beneficial in the long run.
Here's what I think happened in the rest of Season 3:
- I think Walt and Skyler got back together. Maybe? She deserves better. (Bring on the haters!!!)
- Obviously, Walt and Jesse got involved with that Gus dude, who seems much scarier than Tuco because he's cold and calculated (my least favorite kind of drug kingpin).
- I don't know who that new dude was in the lab with Walt, but I guess they worked together before. Maybe when Jesse was grieving the loss of his dead girlfriend?
Season 4, Episode 13: "Face Off"
Me guarding my food when my cat is nearby.
PSA: If you're ever being questioned by law enforcement, ask if you're under arrest. If you are — don't say anything without a lawyer present. If you aren't — leave.
"Hey Alice, stop making this show about politics!" → Not a chance, Bad Boys. Literally everything about this show is political.
Watching the women of Breaking Bad not put up with Walt's BS is my kink.
EXTORT HIM, QUEEN!!!!!!
How To Avoid Kidnappers 101: Don't talk to strangers in vans!
The score in this scene was top notch. I have to assume the budget for this show skyrocketed with every season, and it really shows.
Now why the FUCK did they have to go and Two-Face this man on my screen?! Just because you have the makeup & effects budget for hollowed-out skulls doesn't mean you should scar me for life!!!!!
It seems like Skyler knows what Walt does now, in which case I'm even MORE confused by all the hate she gets. Any woman who stands by her meth-making murderer husband is a real ride-or-die and y'all should be thrilled.
And if she cheated on him (which I assume probably happened at some point), I'd still put "meth lord" higher on the list of moral failings than "cheater."
Season 4 recap time!
Sony Pictures Television / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
Episode notes:
- *Bill Hader's Stefon voice* This episode had everything: explosions, the cartel, an old guy telling the DEA to suck his dick, nursing homes, Marie, and Saul Goodman. Loved it.
- Disappointed to learn that Walt's family is still in his life, because I actually like them and don't want them to get hurt!!!!!!
- Intro to Philosophy essay prompt: Who, exactly, are the bad guys in the episode? Has Walt officially made the transition to "bad" yet? What is "bad," anyway, and who can make the moral judgment of whether a fellow human is bad? Etc. 🥴
- Absolutely obsessed with the score and New Mexico scenery.
Here's what I think happened in the rest of Season 4:
- Hmm, I don't know how much I can say here that I didn't already say for Season 3. It seems like not a lot of significant changes happened in his home life, and he was back to working for Gus until they double-crossed him (or vice versa).
- I think Saul probably became a major player this season.
- Pretty sure Walt poisoned a kid?! Based on context clues, I'm guessing Jesse has a nephew he loves and Walt poisoned him and blamed it on Gus so Jesse would help Walt kill Gus, aka your classic kill-a-kid-then-kill-a-drug-lord scheme. Textbook.
- No sign of the creepy hitman from Season 2 and 3, so I'm betting he's dead.
- Seems like the feds are onto Jesse (and maybe Walt), and Hank's life was threatened. So going into the Season 5 finale, I bet it'll all come to a head and Walt will truly... become Bad™️.
Season 5, Episode 16: "Felina"
Does New Mexico get snow? Just now realizing I have no idea what the climate in NM is, other than "often punishingly hot."
Fun fact: An apartment the size of this one room would cost ten trillion dollars in NYC.
Despite everything that's gone down in the past season, Walt still doesn't look a day over 36.
OH SHIT HANK IS DEAD!?!?
Gotta admit I appreciate a show that's not afraid to kill off major characters. Every drama seems to lean heavily on fakeouts these days, so this is a refreshing change of pace.
Do you have too many spare bullets lying around? Try a Hands-Free Machine Gun In Your Car Trunk™️: for all your bullet disposing needs.
We did it, folks!
As much as I talked shit about Walt this whole time, I still think he was a well-written character with a compelling arc. He's definitely one of TV's best antiheroes.
Season 5 recap time!
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Episode notes:
- I hope Skyler makes a deal with the DEA. She (and especially her kids) deserve to be free.
- God help the world when Marie starts dating again after Hank's death, because no one is prepared for the chaos that will ensue.
- Always very satisfying to watch white supremacists get their due!!!
- Never using sugar packets at a diner ever again.
- I know I'm not the first to say this, but this is ultimately a story about America's cruel and subpar healthcare system. None of this would have happened if the government paid for his cancer treatment.
Here's what I think happened in the rest of Season 5:
- Wow I feel like there was a twelve-year gap between Season 4 and 5. So much happened. I'm guessing Walt partnered with the supremacists at some point, or maybe they came in with their own lil meth operation and took over the area?
- Obviously, the feds closed in on the whole operation at some point. I wonder if Hank ever found out his own brother-in-law was the Big Bad. Guessing yes, he probably did as he was dying.
- I think Jesse may have been an informant? And Walt traded him for his freedom from the supremacists. Glad Walt saved him in the end. Jesse was always too good for Walt.
And that's it! We broke bad.
This has been fun, and I started to really get into the show by Season 3. I'm guessing I'd love Better Call Saul based on how pumped I was whenever he was in a scene. Obviously, I would also love to see a show starring Marie, but I can always watch the aforementioned Real Housewives to the same effect.
