We’ve Got to Talk About These Melania Tapes

Stephen A. Crockett Jr.
·6 mins read

I’m not a braggart.

But feel free to send all gifts and apologies directly to The Root’s main office as I called this one.

OK, fine. This is kind of like calling that former President Obama would be out of office in eight years or noticing that this Drake kid was really going to be huge after listening to Take Care, which makes me more Captain Obvious than the Oracle, but tell me it’s not gratifying to learn that all of us were right about Melania Trump being just as heartless as her husband?

There was once a narrative about Melania being captive in a loveless relationship, having married for citizenship and wanting desperately to break free from her captor to one day continue her life’s work as a Slovenian rain man (I mean she did come to the states on an “Einstein visa.”)

Either Melania Trump Is the Slovenian Rain Man or She Finessed Her ‘Einstein Visa’

But, after being recorded by her former good, good girlfriend and East Wing adviser Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, Melania has proven herself to be exactly who we thought she was; the evil bird to Trump’s wicked witch.

From the Washington Post:

In the summer of 2018, a week after her trip to the Mexican border where immigration officials were separating migrant children from their families, first lady Melania Trump called a close friend to complain about how the press covered the event — as well to air her frustrations with having to plan White House Christmas decorations.

“Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations?” Trump said to Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, a former confidante and East Wing adviser, who secretly recorded the conversation after she left the White House. “I say that I’m working on Christmas and planning for the Christmas and they said, ‘Oh, what about the children that they were separated?’ Give me a fucking break.”

Melania was speaking directly about migrant children who were separated from their families and placed in cages.

For the TL;DR crowd:

Melania: “I’ve got to Christmas decorations to worry about, fuck them kids.”

This whole thing is a fucking mess, so let’s take it step by step.

First, Winston Wolkoff was supposed to be a friend of Melania’s but when the money got funny and it looked like she made a killing planning the president’s inauguration, a claim that Winston Wolkoff denies, WW (which can stand for either Winston Wolkoff or white woman) either left the White House or was let go. WW claims that she began recording her conversations with Melania because shady. This is some Love & Hip Hop: White House edition level messiness, and I’m here for it. Anyway, now that WW has a book, Melania and Me, to push, she’s making the rounds playing these recordings like it’s the Dipset Reunion mixtape produced by DJ Clue.

“Secretly taping the first lady and willfully breaking an NDA to publish a salacious book is a clear attempt at relevance,” Stephanie Grisham, the first lady’s chief of staff, said according to the Post. “The timing of this continues to be suspect—as does this never-ending exercise in self-pity and narcissism.”

Secondly, Melania ain’t shit. That Zara jacket emblazoned with “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” she wore when heading to the border was purposeful because she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about kids or America or her husband or her role as first lady. Melania cares about Melania in the same way that Donald cares about Donald.

I do believe that Melania cares about her off-campus boyfriend and someone may want to check on him and make sure he’s OK.

Thirdly, WW recorded Melania for a year! A whole year! WTF?! What kind of low-level shit is that?! I love WW. I hate WW.

This isn’t the first bombshell that WW has dropped on America. “Last month, Winston Wolkoff told the Washington Post’s Jada Yuan that the first lady used private email accounts, iMessage, and Signal, an encrypted messaging app, while at the White House. Critics said the finding was hypocritical considering the president’s attacks on Hillary Clinton, who used a private email server while she was secretary of state.”

And. Get. This.

At one point in the recording, which was aired on CNN, Melania had the whitedacity to claim that the migrant children were pleased to be living in cages away from their loved ones.

“The kids, they say, ‘Wow I will have my own bed? I will sleep on the bed? I will have a cabinet for my clothes?’ It’s so sad to hear it, but they didn’t have that in their own countries, they sleep on the floor,” she said. “They are taken care of nicely there. But you know, yeah, they are not with parents, it’s sad. But when they come here alone or with coyotes or illegally, you know, you need to do something.”

If only we’d heard this kind of rhetoric before. If only there were an orange man who painted a dismal picture of migrant children’s life outside of the U.S.

“They go over and they say like, ‘Oh, we will be killed by a gang member, we will be, you know, it’s so dangerous,’ ” Melania said, claiming that the children lie to appeal to a sensitive side of America. “So they are allowed to stay here.”

“They could easily stay in Mexico but they don’t want to stay in Mexico, because Mexico doesn’t take care of them the same as America does,” the first lady added.

Melania also claimed that the press only paints a negative image of the first family and won’t do stories on the good that they’ve done. Like her visit to the border in which the first lady...visited the border.

“They will not do the story. We put it out,” Trump said, referring to the media, the Post reports. “They are against us because they’re liberal media. Yeah, if I go to Fox, they will do the story. I don’t want to go to Fox.”

She also bitched and complained that the press wants her to do more to save the children since, the press assumed, she had a heart and a soul. Sadly, the press was mistaken.

“They say I’m complicit. I’m the same like him, I support him,” the first lady said, referring to President Trump. “I don’t say enough I don’t do enough where I am.”

And then Melania, much like her husband before her, invoked the good name of Michelle Obama, claiming that she never visited the border! And how much she’s working on Christmas stuff!

“I’m working my ass off on the Christmas stuff,” Trump said. “I was trying get the kid reunited with the mom. I didn’t have a chance — needs to go through the process and through the law.”

Oh, and about that goof-ass jacket with “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” written on the back—she wore it to be a clout chaser.

“I’m driving liberals crazy, that’s for sure,” she said. “They deserve it.”

Read more