Question: "I met my boyfriend in June of 2020 on Hinge and we clicked immediately. We moved in together after a year and basically spent the next year acting like a married couple. We did lose a lot of the romance through that, but I always thought we could find it again because we loved each other and were best friends. I had voiced my concerns for the lack of romance in our relationship, and I felt like I eventually started seeing it again. I thought things were on the right path until one day he came home from work and out of nowhere told me that it’s not working out.
He said that at some point he fell out of love with me even though he still loved me. He also said that he was not really attracted to me anymore and didn’t have the desire to be intimate with me. I felt so blindsided because not even three days before, we were hanging out with his family and casually talking about our future plans together.
He told me he started having doubts in January and really started to question if I was his person about a month before he broke up with me. He officially ended it in May. When I asked why he never talked to me about how he was feeling, he told me that he just kind of shoved it down and internalized it. It’s been a month since we broke up and I feel so lost. Everything in me still feels like he’s my person but he apparently doesn’t think so. I moved my entire life out to another town, started a new job and completely changed my life for our relationship, so on top of having to mourn the loss of our relationship, I have to basically start over. I honestly don’t know where to go from here."
Answer: I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time with your breakup. They’re never easy and can cause an abundance of emotional, mental, and physical pain. So where to go from here?
There may not be anything you can do to change his mind and get back what you two once had. And to be honest, you shouldn’t even try. Your partner should want to be with you without any influence. People do change their mind overnight sometimes, but it sounds like this was a slow fizzle for him and he didn't communicate with you about it for almost five months. Feelings do usually ebb and flow for long-term partners, and maybe your relationship would have become stronger if he would have opened up when you lost some of that initial spark. Quality communication is such a key component to a successful long-term relationship, and that just wasn’t present here.
Your relationship also seems a little unbalanced in terms of sacrifice and commitment. You completely uprooted your life, moved, and started from scratch to make this work. Did he make any similar sacrifices?
You deserve to have someone choose you, as much as you’re choosing them. Which is why it's time to focus on yourself and healing. Being single isn’t a curse, it can be such an amazing time to have an adventure, find what really makes you happy, and focus on personal goals. If you’re going to be staying in this new community, don’t do it with the hope that he changes his mind. Find your own friends, lay down some roots, and build a life that is completely sufficient without him. I really believe that we shouldn't need our partners to have a happy, fulfilled life, but rather they enhance it.
It's a possibility that he will come back into your life down the road and make apologies for his decisions (exes have a way of doing this in my experience). What happens next will be up to you, but I’d really evaluate if you can trust him to not change his mind seemingly overnight again. Just know you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, communicated with openly, and not just an option when someone is finally sure.
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: My long-term boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. What do I do now?