Turkey Is Only Innocent Creature In White House
Today, in keeping with White House tradition, Donald Trump pardoned Drumstick, a turkey who won an online poll. Just so you're aware, arbitrary public polls is how we'll be doing pardons in 2018. Text "Save Kushner" to 1-888-IDOLS-45 to make your voice heard.
Drumstick beat the other turkey, Wishbone, 60% to 40% in the poll, so Drumstick is the Hillary Clinton of turkeys. As is tradition, the president granted a pardon to the turkey and wished "all" Americans a happy holiday. I tuned in looking for a complete disaster because I guess that's what we've come down to, but secretly I knew it would be fairly standard and much less terrible than everything else he's doing. See? There's a bright side to everything.
To be honest, this macabre ceremony is exactly the kind of thing Trump was built for. “Unlike many turkeys across the nation, Drumstick has a bright future ahead of him,” Trump said in his opening remarks, reminding us that turkey murder is rampant and few of us are without blame. Complicity is now an American holiday value.
It's not totally his fault. I mean, yes, when this administration gathers around a table to say what they're thankful for, the most frequent thought is "That I haven't been caught yet unlike those other suckers." But, it's not like Trump made up the Turkey Pardon himself. For years presidents have been plucking turkeys from the jaws of death as a heartwarming holiday reminder of the fecklessness of fate. Put that on a Starbucks cup!
“As many of you know, I have been involved in overturning a great many of my predecessors executive actions,” he said, literally rubbing our faces in his attempted evisceration of Obama’s legacy. For a moment, he dangled the prospect that this too would go the way of many humane and live-saving actions, but no. Turkey freedom is one of his core beliefs, apparently.
Trump lives for this kind of thing - the wanton wielding of power, the fealty of the less fortunate, the ability to make proclamation, the emptiness of every possible gesture. I imagine if he could pardon a turkey every day, he would. He even has a pardoning hand, like a priest absolving you of your sins. It's incredible.
Trump's like "To this turkey, I am God. Is it possible to run this turkey for the Alabama Senate seat? How would this turkey like to be the HHS Secretary? Does this turkey own a private jet?"
The pardon itself was surprisingly slight. There was no paperwork of any sort, which seems to open up the administration to a lot of judicial headaches. Poor forgetful Jeff Sessions doesn't need this kind of stress in his life right now. He's going about his day like the character from Memento just trying to who he is and how he got here. Have mercy!
“Drumstick!" Trump bellowed suddenly. "You are hereby pardoned!” He paused and looked off to the side as if anticipating the great cheer that would go up from grateful turkeys across the land who, while experiencing no benefit in their own lives are just glad that 0.1% of turkeys will have an easier time of it thanks to the president's work. No cry went up and the president whipped his head back to face the bird, who, shockingly, had not yet said thank you.
Done with the ungrateful bird, the president turned on his heel, shook a few hands, and went back into the White House, leaving the turkey alone on the podium to bask in its freedom.
A great day for justice in America.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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