Trumpercise! How to Get as Fit as the Donald
Leading the free world is a physically demanding job, so it's no surprise that fitness has become a major concern in a race between a fainting granny prone to coughing fits and a thick-middled, stub-fingered windbag with eye jaundice. But as Miss Universe Fat-Shamer, Donald Trump, has made clear, he himself is extraordinarily fit, thanks to his grueling, campaign-based physical regimen. "When you're making speeches for 25,000 people and shouting and screaming and having fun with everybody and making America great again," the zaftig blowhard told People, "you get a lot of exercise."
SPY reached out to Jennifer Sacheck, PhD, Associate Professor of Nutrition at Tufts University with a master's in exercise science. Dr. Sacheck helped us identify the benefits of what Trump is no doubt already referring to as the next wildly successful worldwide fitness craze.
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The Handshake
Form: Extend hand forward, grasp hand in front of you and squeeze according to desired level of dominance. Pump hand in a smooth but firm up-and-down motion. Sanitize. Repeat.
Muscles Used: Thenar thumb muscles, forearm, deltoid.
Dr. Sacheck Says: "Gripping with the hand creates isometric contractions that could strain the muscles over time, but the physical benefits are negligible and the actual shaking would add little if anything. Shaking hands works the thumb muscle more than anything - which would make him a superior pincher and make him better at picking things up."
Calories Burned: .1 to .33 calories per vigorous handshake.
The Wave
Form: Extend arm upward and move hand in either a side-to-side motion at the elbow, a twisting motion at the wrist, or both.
Muscles Used: Forearm, wrist, shoulder, maybe a bit of upper back (deltoid) and biceps
Dr. Sacheck Says: "The U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services recommends 150 hours of moderate-intensity aerobic activity per week. Unless combined with weight or some kind of resistance, waving only qualifies as light-intensity and provides about as much exercise as you would get cooking dinner."
Calories Burned: Approx. half a calorie, assuming ave. 5 secs/wave
Standing
Form: Place feet on ground and push up with legs until entire body is upright and stable, independent of any outside support.
Muscle Groups: Legs, soleus (calves, where astronauts atrophy the most when they go to space), moderate core stabilization.
Dr. Sacheck Says: "Standing at least requires bearing your own weight, but it doesn't actually add anything to your resting metabolic rate - what you burn by just sitting. The act of standing [from a sitting position] engages your quads and glutes, but once you're up it does nothing to increase your heart rate. You're essentially at rest."
Calories Burned: About 1.5 cals/min. (Note: You also burn 1.2 calories by just being alive, so the actual increase caused by standing is 0.3 cals/min.)
The Scream and Shout
Form: Force air from the lungs through the throat using various formations of the mouth and placement of the tongue to form loud words.
Muscles Used: Mastoid (facial muscles around the mouth) and neck muscles.
Dr. Sacheck Says: "You're using such minor muscle groups that it just can't be considered exercise. If you're really exerting your chest and your neck and actually screaming it would be negligibly higher, but average talking requires little to no metabolic effort. While actual shouting might increase your adrenaline, and therefore your blood pressure, it does little to actually increase your aerobic output."
Calories Burned: .1 to .2 calories (max) per minute.
Based on Dr. Sacheck's assessment of Trumpercise!, and considering his well-publicized diet of Taco Bowls and family-sized buckets of fried chicken with two sides, he'll need all the exercise he can get just to work off dinner.
The Taco Bowl Workout (1200 calories)
1,875 Handshakes
600 Waves (@ 5 secs/wave)
15 (+/-) hrs of Standing
2,250 Screams
The Fried Chicken Workout (2300 calories)
17,500 Handshakes
1,150 Waves (@ 5 secs/wave)
1.13 days of Standing
4,500 Screams
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